How to tell a friend struggling with infertility that you are pregnant?
“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” C.S. Lewis
So you have just learned one of the biggest news of your life, and you want to spread the good news with your best friends: totally normal! But as you may have already realized, bloating out “I’m pregnant” and expecting massive smiles from a close friend with infertility is unrealistic. You probably feel nervous about telling your friend.
And definitely, it’s hard. All but one of my bridesmaids got pregnant while I was going through infertility treatment. Sometimes I was able to live through a pregnancy announcement with a happy face, and sometimes, I had to go hide in the toilet. What made the difference? I felt they were especially hard on my feelings if:
· The friend was younger than me (because it felt like I was “late” on a shared lifegoal)
· The couple had met more recently than Richard and me (because it felt “unfair” that they were already at this stage)
· If we saw each other often (because I knew I needed their support and would want to hang out with them, and baby-related conversations would be more difficult to avoid)
· If it was a closer friend, e.g. from childhood (because I probably had a long-standing dream of having our kids grow up together)
· If I was told they had just started trying (because that just makes you feel like shit about your body).
· The person was already complaining to me about how their pregnancy sucked, as they couldn’t drink, sleep, walk, etc.
Having lived through so many pregnancy announcements when I was going through infertility and loss, here’s my advice to make it as painless as realistically possible for your friend:
· Tell your friend by phone if she’s a good friend, by text otherwise; not in person. Even if you are going to see them a next day, best to send a text before. This may seem contradictory, but I actually hate it when friends announce their pregnancy to me in person. It’s a lot to process for someone going through infertility, and it’s overwhelming. I remember a dinner where two good friends of ours announced their pregnancy just before we started eating. I couldn’t find any appetite in me and the whole evening felt really awkward. If you call/text before, your friend will have time to prepare, think about what she will say, etc.
· Don’t feel bad if your infertile friend cries. She’s definitely happy for you, but it sends her back to own barrenness. It’s a massive trigger signal for pain.
· Do say something like “I know this is hard for you, and I totally understand”. Allow your friend to be honest about her feelings.
· Also, I liked it when my friends would say something like “I am praying that you will get to experience this soon too!” (if they were religious) or “I really believe it will happen to you soon too”.
Considering the above, you might feel it’s best for you not to tell your friend at all (or at least, not until it’s super obvious that you belly has tripled in size?). But I would recommend not waiting longer than for most of your good friends. That’s because it will feel really awkward for her to learn it from someone else, or to feel like she was the last to know. It may contribute to the feeling of exclusion. Also, each woman going through infertility is hyper-aware of typical pregnant behaviour in her friends (e.g. not drinking alcohol, touching one’s belly) so she’ll probably have suspicions right away anyways. So being honest and telling your friend early is the key.
As John Lennon once said: “Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it’ll always get you the right ones.”
