How to cope with sadness when dealing with infertility?
“The power is in the balance: we are our injuries, as much as we are our successes.” — The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
- “You are mentally destroyed”, says the doctor. “I can’t do anything for you right now”.
I had just gone through my infertility history to introduce my case to a new gynecologist, and wasn’t able to hold back my tears when I told her that our recent round of IVF had not enabled us to collect any embryos.
Fertility treatment takes a huge toll on our lives. Emotionally and physically. A 1993 scientific study by Domar et al. showed that the anxiety and depression scores of the infertile women were similar to those experienced by women with cancer, cardiac rehabilitation and HIV-positive patients. Physically, the combination of daily pills, hormone injections, blood tests, ultrasounds, egg retrievals leads our bodies to feel overworked, stressed and tired. It’s also just a lot of time spent in hospitals, stressing out about the next outcome, and thinking back on past negative results.
As RESOLVE, the US National Infertility Association explains: “ Procreation is the strongest instinct in the animal kingdom. You are facing genetic and social pressure to have a baby. You are likely surrounded by friends, family, neighbors, co-workers and a society who conceive easily. Infertility can be very lonely.” Plus, infertility is one of the only diseases where the patient usually gets blamed for her condition: “why don’t you just relax? Are you not working too hard?”
When I look back at my honeymoon pictures almost four years ago, I can’t help but thinking how entirely, blissfully, ignorantly happy I was back then. I barely cried for years. Now I know all too well what tears taste like. Richard, my husband, sometimes refers to my mood in terms of the “Inside Out” Disney movie, which categorizes the main character’s dominant emotions in colours. He’ll say: “Before, I had only met the yellow [joyous] Soleine, but now I love the blue [sad] Soleine too”.
Many things can trigger my sadness. When a friend talks to me about someone I don’t know, as soon as someone says “He has a son”, it makes me feel sad. Even if this person is 60. Fiction is no better. In books, in films, I become sad once the characters have — generally nine months day for day after their wedding — the beloved child.
Some songs also lead to sadness. I can’t listen to the top of the chart song “Once I was seven years old” without changing the radio station. All this because at some point Lukas Graham sings: “soon I’ll be thirty years old”, and then :“My woman brought children for me, So I can sing them all my songs, And I can tell them stories”. I stopped watching my favourite series, Borgen, once the main character became pregnant.
Looking back on several years of mood swings, here’s my advice to cope with sadness:
- Acknowledge being sad is ok. Sadness is part of life.
“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before — more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens
- Let go. In our life, we have the habit of controlling most of our parameters: our careers, where we live, who are friends are, etc. But when living through infertility, one just needs to recognize we have so little control over our biggest wish.
“ It may sound ridiculous to talk again about grief here, but there is a letting go to be done. Letting go of our expectations, hopes, dreams, whatever they are, allows the process of acceptance to take place”- The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting: The Small Stuff, The Big Stuff and The Stuff In Between by Sally Donovan
· Seek help. This can first be friends, but escalate to professional help if necessary. Waiting for what seems like forever for a positive outcome can be worse than recovering from a single adverse event:
“It isn’t facing danger that cuts you up inside. It’s the waiting, the not knowing what’s coming” Eliot Ness
· Use this experience to be more tuned to your friends who are suffering. Infertility is a major life distress which can make you more tuned to other people’s issues. Recognize you will become a richer person through this experience. You will learn from it, and in time be a more empathetic person, thankful for good moments when they come.
“I was no longer God’s more favored child. I was their brother in suffering, and they were able to let me help them” When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner
