How Are You, Really?
A Guide to Using the Right Words in Wellbeing Discussions With Employees
Finding the right words in wellbeing discussions is challenging. Often, we react automatically using phrases that are not helping. These words are then a catalyst to disconnection and suffering. Knowing how to react nonjudgementally without giving advice might require a bit of training. This article provides examples of concrete reactions leaders might find handy in wellbeing discussions.
Starting the Conversation
How often do we ask our employees how they are? I receive this question almost every single time I meet someone. This might sound great, except how many times is the person really interested in hearing the honest answer?
“How are you?” is a formality, a way to say hi. It is a small talk that does not go below the surface. So what we can do if we are indeed interested in our employees’ wellbeing?
- Ask differently — using phrases such as “How are you, really?” or “How have you been these days?” or once we have already been in a wellbeing discussion in the past, we can connect with the other person by asking “How have you been feeling, lately?”
- Ask more specifically — during pandemics, we can ask about how our employees are coping with remote work or whether they and their families are ok. Asking about how their ability to focus is affected by the situation in Ukraine works just fine, too. In case we have noticed a change in a person’s behavior, we can always ask, “I noticed you haven’t been responding to my messages lately. Are you OK?”
The main recommendation here is to have enough space to talk about the topic. 1–2–1s are a great format for this, and the ability to listen is the king here. More on this topic in my previous article below.
Words That Disconnect
We have been in this situation. We shared our struggles with someone, and we got advice or learned about how they struggle themselves. Not only aren’t these words helping, but also we might be so used to them, they automatically pop up in our heads when in a similar situation.
Let’s look at the most common phrases we should rather avoid in wellbeing discussions.
- “Don’t feel bad.”
- “Try not to think about it.”
- “Let’s talk about something else.”
- “I know how you feel.”
- “It could be worse.”
- “We are all stressed out.”
- “At least you still have your family/job/friends.”
- “You should take some time off.”
- “Once the project is over, it will get better again.”
These phrases are trivializing (“It could be worse.”), generalizing (“We are all stressed out”), judging, mentoring and giving unsolicited advice (“You should take some time off”).
Words That Connect
If our role is not to give advice to the other person, what is it then? Be present and listen. Before saying something, we might want to stop first and explore the power of giving space by:
- Listening — sometimes words are less important than being present, listening and not interrupting the other person.
- Working with silence — it might sound contradictory, but silence opens conversation. It gives space to look deeper into ourselves and see things we can’t see in conversations full of words.
We might also first check whether we can handle the conversation. If we are not ready to handle the answer, we should not rather ask. There is also no need to punish ourselves if we did not ask well. We can always come back and say, “Last time you were really down, I was scared because I didn’t know how to help you.”
We can also offer help, express concerns, or just assure the person our doors are open. These are some tools and phrases we can use:
- Clarifying — “When you say x, what do you mean by that?”
- Reflecting — “I hear you saying…” “Tell me if I am getting this right…”, “It sounds like…”
- Summarizing — “What I am hearing you say…”
- Normalization — “It’s very natural not to feel well when you experience…”
A powerful technique is to turn negative into positive. If a person does not feel well, we can ask what usually helps them in a situation like this. Then, we can focus on how they might implement that more into their daily routine and figure out a plan together. This is a step 2. This tool is only helpful once we have fully listened to the person. Often, once the person fully expresses what they have to say and feels heard, we can see on a body level that the tension has melted away. When figuring out the options, it might be useful to know that we are not here to offer a solution. The only person who has the solution is the employee.
Useful questions in this stage can be:
- “What has helped you in the past in similar situations?”
- “What could I do to make your situation easier now?”
- “What helps you relax? Can you include more of these activities in your schedule?”
- “Are there situations when you feel better?”
- “What can you do for yourself in these moments?”
These approaches are naturally non-directive. While we might think we need to analyze and understand the problem, the actual help lies in listening and asking the right questions. Leaders can create a genuine connection with others when they master nonjudgmental communication and avoid giving unsolicited advice. It might, however, take a bit of practice to master these communication skills. Patience is the key here, but it pays off. 🙌
This article is part of a mental health series of articles focused on the role of leaders in wellbeing discussions. The aim of the series is to focus on handy information that might make leaders’ discussions easier and more natural. It also introduces communication tools leaders can leverage and misconceptions they might face. If you have enjoyed this article and would like to read more, follow me on Medium.
