Promoted to Manager but Hate People? I Got You.
Satirical tips for surviving a management role when social interactions aren’t your cup of tea
So, you got promoted to management, but you don’t like people. Maybe you craved power and prestige, or perhaps to send the kids to college. Or most likely, your director thinks introverts are better listeners, and those who don’t want the job make better managers. He promoted you because you acted reserved and aloof, but actually, you just despised your coworkers, and now, you get to regularly meet with each and every one of them! Fun!
Whatever your reasons, let’s say you want to take a stab at this or are stuck doing it for now. Congratulations! By acknowledging your antisocial pathologies, you’ve already accomplished the most essential aspect of leadership: know thyself. Now, let’s discuss how to navigate your new role.
Compassion is overrated
The other most essential aspect of management is compassion. This is the most obvious problem for you.
But do you reaaallly have to be kind and considerate? Think of it this way: the director who promoted you is likely very perceptive and discerning. Otherwise, how would she have gotten promoted herself? Surely, she noticed your lack of caring and didn’t care that you didn’t care. Therefore, you shouldn’t care. If she didn’t notice that you didn’t like people, then she’s probably too incompetent to notice your incompetence.
Either way, you shouldn’t be concerned by your lack of caring about others. Honestly, this is an overrated quality in a manager.
Lead by example
Not only is leading by example a most essential aspect of management, this leadership style involves the least amount of caring or human interaction. Just demonstrate what you expect of people, and if they don’t follow your example or live up to your arbitrary and capricious personal standards, punish them harshly.¹ They’ll eventually figure out how to please you by trying and failing and trying again. After all, that’s the best way for people to learn, right?
Don’t attend meetings
When you become a manager, your meeting schedule blossoms like weeds in a garden after rain. You hate people, and meetings have lots of people. Chattering about their weekend! Interacting with you! Blehhhhhh!
Don’t let these eat your soul. Don’t attend meetings that don’t include your boss. If your boss admonishes you for missing a meeting, then go to that meeting for a week or two and then stop. You want to behave like your boss’ distracted-but-cute pet kitten that she always longed for as a child. Try to look adorable and make little meowing noises when she scolds you. I promise this works.²
OWN. YOUR. POWER.
Let me end this article by saying that the most, most essential aspect of management is Owning. Your. Power. This isn’t just some overdone slogan used by yoga studios to make you feel powerful without actually giving you any more power in your life, work, or family (I’m looking at you, CorePower Yoga). Now you actually have power, and people will follow confidence and strength, even after you mistreat them. Just look at Vladimir Putin.
Owning Your Power means leading authentically, so lean into your dislike of people and be that demanding, abrasive drill sergeant.
Ever wanted to tell your most annoying coworker to just shut up? Now is your time. Or maybe lose your temper and actually flip that table?³ Give that a try! How about basking in the glory of pushing your team to exhaustion for an arbitrary deadline?⁴ Just Do It.®
Do not be deterred by your inhibitions or conscience or fear of the law.⁵ Be the strong and powerful you that you aspire to be.
Namaste.
Drop a comment if you’ve got some advice to add!
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¹ Not legal advice.
² Not legal advice.
³ Not legal advice.
⁴ Not legal advice.
⁵ Not legal advice.
