The shame of ‘should’
It rained last night, and this morning I let my dogs in through the kitchen door with their muddy paws.
The dog’s wet paws made a mess on our new floors. :(
Noticing the mess, my wife said, “Oh, next time we should bring the dogs through the garage so they can dry off.”
I hate to admit it, but her comment kinda… got my hackles up.
Why?
Well, primarily because part of my brain is stuck in 7th grade. :)
But this time I caught myself before I reacted. I paused and tried to understand my reaction.
I took the time to cultivate curiosity about myself.
Here’s what I’ve got so far.
Her statement contained two parts:
1. Information: “Bringing the dogs in through the garage allows them to run about for a minute and dry off, eliminating the mess.” I agree with this 110%, and in fact, it was my idea a few days ago.
2. The powerful trigger word: “should”
For some reason, the word ‘should’ triggered a defensive, negative reaction in me.
For me, “should” carries a moral implication. I don’t know if others feel that way.
This one, simple word can cause me to feel defensive, or embarrassed, or angry.
All of these feelings get in the way of proper hearing, thinking, and responding to the idea that’s coming at me.
Later I thought, “Maybe using the word ‘should’ makes it hard to hear what’s coming next.”
This should not happen… but it does.
As I pondered this, I realized that I use the word ‘should’ all the time, and have as long as I can remember.
After all, it’s a common word.
I’ve certainly said things such as:
- You should write a unit test for that bug.
- You should test your code more carefully.
- You should use a design pattern here.
- You should be on-time to stand-up.
- You should use framework XYZ.
When I use the word ‘should’, I feel I’m offering helpful information.
Now that I think about it, those statements probably don’t contain information that the listener didn’t know.
But, maybe the listener had a reaction to the word ‘should’, just as I did.
Assume positive intent
I also used should in multiple ways. Sometimes I use “should” to mean:
1. “could” (a choice)
2. “might” (a possibility)
3. “ought” (a moral obligation)
4. “do” (a command)
Using the rule “assume positive intent”, I now believe my wife meant “could”.
Changing just that one small word makes a huge difference in my tiny brain:
“Oh, next time we could bring the dogs through the garage so they can dry off.”
Phrasing it that way makes me see new possibilities, not feel blamed or ashamed.
It opens up my viewpoint, rather than closing it down.
Who’s to blame?
You might think the lesson here is that I want my wife to stop using the word ‘should’. Or maybe, that you should too.
But that’s not my point.
Here’s my point: If you find yourself triggered by words, take a breath before you respond. You may feel off-balance, which isn’t a good time to react.
Notice how you’re feeling, and where your attention goes. What are you thinking about? What feelings are bubbling up?
After you’ve balanced yourself, try and assume positive intent from the other person.
Become curious about yourself and your reaction.
Consider that what you felt in reaction to their words may not have been what they intended.
After all, my poor wife didn’t mean to get my hackles up.
After 28 years of marriage, I’ve learned that my reaction isn’t her problem. It’s mine.
Last thought
When you’re speaking with someone, remember that you might use trigger language with them. You may notice their tone, stance, or face change.
Truthfully, it’s pretty easy to see once you start noticing.
Then, if you choose, you could ask them to talk about what’s happening for them.
Then you’ll both know.
