When I stopped worrying and started taking control of my problems
I found a safe space, where I could be me, in a friend. He did not judge me. All he did was listen to me. He always assured me that all will be right one day. He didn’t have to say it aloud. All he did was to make me feel it. But it did not happen that day.
One day in 2015…
I was feeling very low. It had been years that it was over. But I could not get it out of my mind. From outside, it appeared that I had moved on but I was still stuck in the year 2012.
That day, the more I thought about it, the more I drowned into the ocean of darkness. I couldn’t believe that I was letting it all happen to myself again.
Like every time, I wanted him to listen to me. I was not seeking any solutions from him. Once I was done speaking my mind, he reacted. He used to give his opinion only when I asked him to but this was the first time he reacted.
“You know what, Saumya? You think your problem is the biggest problem in the world. Do you know people are living in poverty, suffering from hunger, not having jobs?”
He continued by listing his problems. I did not say anything. I kept thinking about why he was comparing my problem with those of others, including his.
After a while, I began to argue with him because I thought that he didn’t consider my problem as a problem.
“Nobody has a perfect life. Everyone has their own problems.”
He wanted to convey this and somewhere deep inside, I knew it. At that time, I felt as if I did a mistake in trusting him. It was natural for me to misunderstand him.
“After all these years, I should have stopped being so hard on myself.”
It took me about two more years to understand that this was what he wanted me to do.
When I realised that my life was full of hundreds of problems and not just that particular incident, I made myself learn how I should focus on the problems that I could act upon, instead of worrying about those on which I had no control over.
The Circles Of Control, Influence And Concern
Even though what happened in 2012 was an incident of concern, it was not under my control or influence and thus, it can be placed in my Circle of Concern. Everything I place inside this circle matters to me and everything outside it is of no concern to me.
When I shared my problems with my friend, I tried to influence them, putting them in a smaller Circle of Influence. That conversation of 2015 indirectly created an impact.
The moment I started to focus on the problems that I can act upon, I put them in yet another smaller Circle of Control. I could control them directly, regardless of the agreement of others.
Another example of things that can be a part of Circle of Concern is coronavirus and the consequent nationwide lockdown. But how I react to it is a part of my Circles of Influence and Control.
Being a journalist, I have been reporting coronavirus-related news since January. When the World Health Organisation (WHO) declared COVID-19 a pandemic on March 11, India had reported around 60 confirmed cases of coronavirus. I knew that it was just the beginning and we were also headed towards a nationwide lockdown (Circle of Concern).
News related to COVID-19 started to affect my mental health around mid-March. As soon as I realised that the disease would get in my mind without me actually contracting the virus, I decided to change my reaction to the situation (Circle of Control). I started engaging myself in activities like writing letters, reading, writing, blogging, studying and other things that I enjoy doing.
I have also helped some of my friends deal with the situation by listening to them in the last 90 days (Circle of Influence). I asked a couple of them to seek counselling if they needed help. I assured them that it was okay to take professional help.
The coronavirus pandemic is definitely a scary situation for all of us. However, when I took charge of how it impacts my life, the choices I made consciously did bring a positive change.
It has not been an easy journey for me. I had my share of ups and downs when I wanted to stay away from my personal blog and books. I took breaks and sought help from my family and friends, sometimes even complete strangers.
The resources available to me put me in a place where I do could this but I am aware that there are people who can’t afford to do it.
Notes
1. Stephen Richards Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, talked about the concept of The Circles of Concern, Influence and Control.
1a. The ‘Circle of Concern’ represents everything that matters to a particular individual. This includes aspects that someone can control and influence. However, by its nature the ‘Circle of Concern’ will always contain many things outside of a person’s influence or control.
1b. Within the ‘Circle of Concern’ lies the ‘Circle of Control’. This resides exclusively in ‘I’ domain and represents the aspects of a person’s world they can directly control. Our ‘Circle of Control’ can only relate to one’s self and, for that matter, only to our conscious self.
1c. Finally, given human beings are social beings, an individual is able to impact on their ‘Circle of Concern’ through others. This is their ‘Circle of Influence’ and is related to the quality of their relationships and the quality of the conversations that happen within those relationships.
