What is an Alpha Male?
A conversation in a modern world
A women asked me recently if I thought that the alpha male existed in modern culture. Yes, I believe there are modern alpha males. Their occupations, lifestyles, and identities are varied.
Unfortunately, what is sometimes confused as alpha behavior is often just some guy being a loud and acting with bravado. That is a douchebag, rather than a true alpha male.
My friend Dan Hagerty described it this way:
Alpha is a spectrum that men fall on, just like masculinity is a spectrum. Some men are more masculine and have more masculine tendencies, and the alpha spectrum generally follows the same lines (in other words, highly masculine men tend to be more alpha).
I am an alpha. Many of my friends are alphas (including Dan) But I would add to his idea of it being a spectrum and say it is also a conversation.
In my workplace, I have a certain status. There are those who can overrule my opinion due to rank… but that is not necessarily an alpha conversation.
A few years ago, I had a new manager come in and take over ownership of a project I had been driving for months. He was being given accountability for a huge project that had started months before he got there.
As I explained the details of the project to him in an meeting with the whole team, he suddenly talked over me and questioned many of the approaches we had taken. He did it rather aggressively in front of everyone. In that moment… I knew he was establishing dominance publicly.
I knew what he was doing. I knew there was no point in butting heads with him. I sat down and gave him the floor. He calmed down immediately. While I didn’t necessarily agree with how he did it, I understood why he felt it was necessary.
Now at my friend Dan’s workplace I have no status. No one knows me there. Yet, if I were walk in to meet him for lunch, I would have several hundred *non-verbal* alpha conversations just on the walk to his desk.
The silent conversations with other men would happen quickly. I am 6'4" and 240 lbs. Many of the male-to-male conversations are as simple as “Who would win in a fight?” and happen almost instantaneously. This is not just my size relative to them but how I carry myself. This sizing up is pretty primal and automatic.
The alpha conversations that would silently pass between myself and females are more complex. A woman can be simultaneously attracted to the confidence of my walk, while at the same time being threatened (or even repulsed) without every speaking to me. This is often a strange mix. My work with Alison Armstrong has allowed me to have more understanding for the automatic threat conversations that women cope with on a day to day basis.
A mature alpha male, in my opinion, knows when to defer any dominance he may emanate naturally when it is appropriate.
If I am in Dan Hagerty’s kitchen, I check that alpha crap at the door. He is a master chef, I am all too happy to be ordered around in his kitchen. I am also more willing to pass the baton of alpha as a sign of respect to another man.
Not every friend of mine is an alpha… and that is OK. Having other roles filled while I (or someone else) assume the alpha role is essential to a good tribe. I think the balance that men seek in groups harkens back to putting together a good hunting party. You can use the little guy if he has better eyesight than you, that type of thing.
The real sign of an alpha male is that they don’t have anything to prove. An alpha isn’t trying to win. He’s already won. His focus is on other things, like his community or his legacy.
I think the role is important in society. It doesn’t have to be some caveman, chest pounding display. Many of the alpha males I was blessed to have in my life were role models that shifted how I operated in the world. From my father to the many great bosses and mentors I have been blessed with, they taught me how to set boundaries, move with confidence, and be ruled by something beyond bravado.
