Sh!t people say because they don’t understand introversion
Last year, I read a book called Quiet — the power of introverts. In the process I became more familiar and confident with my own introverted tendencies. This post is about my main take aways in terms of how I communicate it to others. So, the actual title of this post is
How I learnt to appreciate my own introversion and how I explain it to others.
The other title is really just click bait to lure the extroverts into this post. The following are 7 situations that happened to me more than once. They might sound familiar, if you are an introvert yourself.
Imagine, you are sitting outside on a bench enjoying lunch by yourself. One of your colleagues walks by and says
You poor thing have to eat lunch all by yourself.
In response, my thought process has often been
Is it not OK to eat by myself? Should I feel bad about this?
Since I have learnt more about introversion, I stopped doubting my own needs. I now respond with
Don’t worry. The fact that I am eating alone doesn’t mean I am lonely. I had an exhausting workshop this morning and I am using this me-time to recharge my batteries.
A less presuming inquiry that I would prefer over the initial statement would be
Oh hey, would you like some company or are you enjoying some me-time?
Another conversation I am having quite regularly, is someone outright questioning my introversion by saying
Are you sure you are an introvert? You don’t appear to be shy.
Previously, my thoughts were
Do I have to choose? Can I not be introverted, while not being shy?
Now my response to this statement is that
Networking and meeting new people drains me of energy. That doesn’t mean I am anxious about it. Those are two separate things.
A less presuming inquiry that I would prefer over the initial statement would be
How do you express your introversion? What gives you energy? What drains it?
Here is another one. You are at a dinner party. There is a lively conversation going on. You are enjoying yourself, but you are not contributing much. After a few hours one of your friends asks
Is everything OK, you haven’t said much all night?
and you think
Oh no, I did it wrong again.
Now my response is
I am good. If everybody is having a good time and my remarks wouldn’t further the conversation, I don’t feel the need to talk just for the sake of it.
A less presuming inquiry that I would prefer over the initial statement would be
I am interested in your opinion on this topic. What do you think?
This one might be particular about me. People that get to know me closely often reveal to me — usually after a few drinks —
You know Manuel, before I got to know you, I thought you were arrogant.
And I would usually think
What? Why? I guess, I have to make more small talk to show my interest in other people.
These days, I will explain…
I don’t care about small talk. I do care about other people. I just don’t particularly enjoy complaining about the weather, because I can’t influence it anyway. But I am up for a meaningful conversation any time.
A less presuming inquiry that I would prefer over the initial statement would be
Before I knew your aversion to small talk, I found it hard to approach you.
Someone at work tells you about their idea for a change to seating arrangement. You think about it, and then tell them
Sounds good, let’s try it.
But instead of hearing your affirmation, they respond with
You hesitated. You don’t like my idea?!
And you think
Erm… no I do. It’s a great idea! And I thought I just told you that?!
Now, I calmly respond with
Me taking time to contemplate what you just said, doesn’t mean I have doubts. I literally just had to think about it before I could respond.
A less presuming response that I would prefer over the initial statement would be
If you need some time to think this over, it’s OK to come back to me tomorrow. I value your thoughtful responses.
You are working as a coach and people let you know that you are quite OK at it. But when you tell them that you are an introvert, they go
How can you be a coach, if you are an introvert? Don’t you have to interact with people all the time?
And you might question yourself
Maybe I am not qualified for this?! Is this the right profession for me?
Today my response is that
My approach to coaching is more about listening and understanding, less about talking and convincing, and being an introvert actually helps with this.
A less presuming response that I would prefer over the initial statement would be
Interesting. Which parts about being an introvert are of advantage for being a coach?
As an introvert with an extroverted partner, you might recognize this one. You are little stressed out. You didn’t get enough sleep last week and you are a bit more short tempered than usual. Your partner might suggest something like
You seem unbalanced. Do you want to go out to blow off some steam?
Were my response used to be something like
Hell no! That is the exact opposite of what I want to do.
A more calmer me now tries to respond that
Being in a crowded place with a bunch of people I don’t know further depletes me of energy. What I need, is time to myself.
A less presuming response that I would prefer over the initial statement would be
You seem unbalanced. What do you need right now to get back in a better place?
By now, I understand my introversion, as me…
- Solitude: recharging energy when being alone
- Thoughtfulness: spending a lot of time in my own head
- Meaning: being annoyed by small talk
And that’s OK.
I appreciate that now in comparison to other people’s tendencies of …
- Social: feeling energised after spending time with others
- Gregariousness: enjoying interacting with others
- Politeness: making conversation because it’s polite
And I now know, that that’s OK, too. 😊
I do have a couple of suggestions for you. Next time someone makes one of these remarks towards you, stop questioning your own feelings and explain how the situation actually feels to you.
And next time you feel the need to make one of these remarks towards someone else, consider if you are projecting your feelings on them and try to enquire without assumptions. Maybe your assumptions are based on an extroverted world view. Maybe the person you are addressing is not unhappy. Maybe they just need some peace and quiet.
