What worked well for me in 6 years as a parent
My son turned 6 today. This is a list of practices that worked well for me (and him) as his parent. Maybe they are useful for you, too.
Interactions
👟 Don’t do things for him
Help him do it himself. It’s faster if I put his shoes on him — short-term upside. It also means I will be putting his shoes on for him for a long time — long-term downside. Giving him time to learn to put his shoes on himself now is an investment in the future.
👩🏫 Let consequences do the teaching
I want him to make his own informed choices. I don’t make him eat his dinner if he doesn’t want to. But I do let him know that now is the time to eat and there won’t be any food afterward. The key is to stay compassionate and firm when he then says he’s hungry when it’s time to go to bed. It’s tempting to say “I told you so. Just listen to me when I tell you to eat.” Better: “I am sorry. I don’t like going to bed hungry either. I make sure there is plenty to eat for breakfast tomorrow, OK?” Pro level: when you also mean it. The gap to punishment sometimes gets really nuanced, like “I don’t want to keep playing if you direct my every move.”
😤 Don’t make threats I am not willing to enforce
The classic: He doesn’t want to go home and I say “Then you just have to stay here by yourself.” Who am I kidding? I am not going to do that. If he says “Fine.” and I am not following through (which I won’t), I lose credibility. He just learned that I don’t mean what I say. Not good. I just made every future negotiation a bit more difficult.
🤔 Tell him what I want and why
It is common to state wishes as matter-of-fact demands: “We don’t scream in this family.” This statement is very impersonal, doesn’t give any reasoning, and is probably plain wrong. The reason the statement is made is probably that it is invalidated at this very moment. Instead, I find it more useful to explain why I don’t like it when he screams and why that is so.
❓Turn the why game around
When I bottom out of repeated why questions because I don’t know the answer the easiest answer is “Because that’s how it is.”. Better: “I don’t know.” shows him that it’s OK to not know. Even better: “I don’t know. What do you think?” turns the interaction from a Q&A into a discussion and shows him that I value his opinion.
🤗 Hugging improves almost anything
When he’s upset the situation is always improved by a hug. Letting him know I am there and staying calm works better than getting upset myself. Every time. Sounds obvious. I know. For me, it’s one of those things that are simple but not easy.
Hacks
⏰ Use phone alarms to establish routines
I use an alarm for bedtime and when we need to leave the house for kindergarten with a nine-minute warning alarm respectively. The warning is a different sound (quacking duck), that is clearly distinguishable from the other sound. I asked him how much warning he would like and he picked 9 minutes. I find this particularly useful because it makes it clearer that it’s not me deciding that he needs to get ready for bed or kindergarten now. It’s just the time of day to do so.
🥒 Mindless healthy eating
It’s really easy to eat a bunch of junk food while watching TV. The good news is, it also works with vegetables. The key is, I don’t ask him what he wants. If I do he says chips or popcorn. I just cut up some cucumber, capsicum, and carrots. Add some cherry tomatoes and place it in a bowl next to him without a word. Works every time.
🛏 Triple bed sheets
What I find really draining: Being woken at 2 am by my upset son because he wet his bed, then having to calm him down, get him out of his wet clothes and into dry clothes, and now having to endure his crying while getting the wet bedsheets off and dry ones back on — in his high bed. There is a way to make this process a lot less annoying: putting extra layers of waterproof protectors and bed linens on the bed. This way I just need to strip the wet layer and we are ready to go back to sleep.
🎂 Birthday parties offsite
Decorating the apartment, preparing food and drinks, cleaning up afterward, left drawings on the walls. I prefer renting a place (e.g bowling alley) that offers birthday parties. Show up and everything’s ready to go, have fun for a few hours and then head home and be done with it. Priceless. Bring your own cake though.
Emotional literacy
😡 Don’t invalidate feelings
It is so easy to say “You don’t have to be angry about that.” But it is not my place to tell my child what to feel. It is also not helpful. It’s shaming him for feeling angry and encouraging him to get out of touch with his feelings. It is much more useful to acknowledge his feelings and help him work through them. “I can see you are feeling angry. Why is that? Would you like my help?”
🙏 Modeling gratitude
I often asked him to tell me what he liked today at kindergarten. The response: shrug. Then one evening while tugging him into bed, I told him my three favorite things of today and without prompt, he responded with his three favorite things. It has been part of our bedtime routine ever since.
Your experience as a parent may be different and that’s fine. I didn’t write this to convince you that this is “the right” way to parent. What works well for you?
Happy birthday Sebastian. I am proud of you and that I get to guide you part of your way.
