Parenting with the Nervous System in Mind
Addressing the dilemma between correcting and connecting with calm
As highly sensitive parents and certified MAP Practitioners, Rimi Yoshida and I (Bingz) are dedicated to raising our children in ways that support emotional well-being and holistic success. We want our kids to thrive as adults while also nurturing a strong relationship with them, especially as they enter their teenage years. However, like many parents, we struggle with being calm and patient when our children test boundaries.
Strict parenting, which may have worked when our children were younger, is often no longer effective as they grow. As children enter adolescence, the emotional landscape changes. Parents must adapt by understanding their children’s evolving needs, particularly how their nervous systems handle stress and connection.
In this discussion, we reflect on how our nervous systems play a crucial role in parenting, particularly through the lens of the Polyvagal Theory, and how to balance correction with connection.
Matrescence and Adolescence: Growing Together with Kindness
I recently watched the DreamWorks Animation movie — The Wild Robot, that was based on the 2016 novel of the same name by Peter Brown. The movie described how a helper robot ‘Roz’ got stranded on an island and became an accidental mother of a young gosling. This movie got me sobbing all the way through as I identified with Roz’s sense of loss, confusion, frustration, and overwhelming love and care for her child. She also became rusty and dirty with many faulty parts. She even had to constantly reprogram herself to keep up wih the development of her child gosling.
It was a beautiful depiction of the process of Matrescence — the process of becoming a mother — those physical, psychological and emotional changes we go through after the birth of a child. As our children are going through adolescence, we, as mothers, are experiencing matrescence as well.
Both we and our children are constantly reprogramming ourselves to stay connected. So, please be gentle and kind to yourself as well as your children as you navigate motherhood in your unique way.
Another beautiful message conveyed in the movie is that “Kindness is a survival skill.” To protect the animals from the harsh winter, Roz built a gigantic cave and gathered all animals, both prey and predators, urged them to repress their instincts (to hunt or escape being hunted) and take care of one another instead. I also love the way Dr. David R Hamilton shares in his book — The Little Book of Kindness: Connect with others, be happier, transform your life, that our kindness hormone is oxytocin.
Isn’t it interesting that oxytocin is a vital hormone needed to support motherhood? Biologically, we need oxytoxin to encourage milk production so we can breastfeed our babies. Oxytoxin helps lower stress and anxiety, builds trust, and creates loving connections to our children.
When we focus too heavily on correcting our children, we amplify stress, which can push us away from our natural nurturing instincts. Instead, being kind toward ourselves and our children helps us connect more meaningfully. Since children learn best when a strong bond is in place, nurturing these connections becomes a core part of how they grow.
The Challenge of Reactivity: When Parenting Becomes a Tug of War
Bingz
I have three young sons, ages seven, ten, and twelve. Growing up in a quiet home with just one younger sister, raising three energetic boys has been quite a change. They’re loud whether they’re playing or fighting.
I often feel tense when they start arguing. A couple of months ago, I was working in my room when I heard them shouting from the other room. At first, I tried to ignore it, hoping they’d work it out. But as the noise got louder, my frustration built up. I stormed into the room and yelled at them to stop, not really listening to their complaints — I just wanted peace and quiet. Looking back, I realize I was showing them how to react with frustration instead of calm.
This started happening almost every day, and I found myself feeling more irritated around them. I worried that I was spending less time enjoying them while they’re still young, letting my frustration get in the way.
Rimi
My challenge is more around my teenage son’s academic responsibilities. When I see him avoiding his studies or not keeping track, I feel an urge to nag, but I also dread facing it because of the anxiety it stirs in me. Sometimes, I try to ignore it altogether, but that’s not a solution either. If I nag, it causes conflict and disconnection between me and my son, but if I avoid it, my stress builds up and comes out in other ways — snapping at him or getting irritable with the rest of the family.
Applying Polyvagal Theory to Parenting
Recently, Rimi and I have been discussing the importance of checking in on our daily interactions with our children using the lens of Polyvagal Theory. As Dr. Stephen Porges’ theory explains, our nervous systems are wired to respond to perceived safety or danger through three key states:
- the fight-or-flight response (sympathetic nervous system),
- the freeze response (dorsal vagal), and
- the social engagement system (ventral vagal), which allows us to connect with others when we feel safe.
By learning to recognize whether we or our children are in the fight-or-flight, freeze, or safe-and-social states, we can adjust our parenting to help guide everyone back to calm, connected interactions.
What is Co-Regulation and Why Does It Matter?
Co-regulation is the ability to regulate emotions and behaviors, with the support of someone else, such as a parent or caregiver.
As parents, we can support our children’s ability to return to a calm and sociable state by first regulating our own nervous systems. Research supports this approach, showing that children who experience secure attachment with their parents — feeling safe, heard, and understood — grow up to be more resilient in managing stress and handling conflicts as adults.
A longitudinal study from the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Child Development observed 73 participants from birth to early adulthood, along with their romantic partners. The study concluded that children with secure attachments are better at managing conflicts as adults, with a greater ability to process negative emotions constructively.
When we nag, scold, or blame our children without considering their emotional reactions — attempting to guilt or pressure them into being more respectful or studying harder — we risk creating insecure attachments. This can lead to difficulties in managing emotions and resolving conflicts as they mature.
Self-Reflection Questions to Gauge Your State and Support Co-Regulation
Use these self-reflection questions to help gauge the emotional and stress state of both you and your children. This can give you insight into how your interactions might be affecting their emotional well-being throughout the day.
Over the past week:
- Has your time together with your children been spent mostly in a Fight or Flight state, Safe and Social state, or Freeze state?
- When you’re without your children, do you find yourself mostly in a Fight or Flight state, Safe and Social state, or Freeze state?
- When your children are in school or with other caregivers, are they primarily in a Fight or Flight state, Safe and Social state, or Freeze state?
Doing this quick check can give you some clues on why your children might be acting out or switching off when they are home with you.
Applying the Polyvagal States ladder to Nagging and Scolding
The three Polyvagal States are connected like a ladder. When stress levels rise, we move down from the Safe and Social state to Fight or Flight, and finally to Freeze, where we ‘play dead’ to avoid further harm. As we calm down, we can move back up the ladder — first reactivating to fight or flee, then gradually feeling safe enough to reconnect socially.
Think back to when you were nagged, scolded, or punished as a child. How did you react? Many of us either numbed ourselves in the Freeze state to avoid the sting of criticism, or tried to escape by fighting back or running away (Fight or Flight).
Similarly, after being scolded or punished, children who retreat to a Freeze state may need time to move through Fight or Flight before they feel safe reconnecting. This might look like them taking out frustration on siblings, spending extra time on video games, or avoiding interaction. If they are criticized again during this time, they might retreat further, widening the rift and becoming more disconnected from their parents.
Be gentle with your urge to nag, scold, or punish
Your urge to correct your children often stems from a learned response to situations you find unacceptable. Both Rimi and I have found ourselves reacting this way but have come to understand that nagging or scolding adds strain to both our and our children’s nervous systems.
Some gentle reminders:
- Be kind to yourself if you’ve lost control. These habits often form unconsciously. Understanding where you are on the Polyvagal ladder can help build awareness and self-compassion, so we can easily return to a safe and social state again.
- Recognize that repeated correction can strain your bond with your child. Again, it’s important to know that your child needs to move through the fight or flight state so she can return to feeling safe and sociable again.
- Find ways to neutralize your stress, then reconnect with your child in a calmer setting.
Bingz
I love dancing or taking a walk to release my stress. My three young sons enjoy playing table tennis with me, using funny new words, or building tunnels and sandcastles at the nearby beach park.
Rimi
I enjoy casual and silly chats with my teenage children while having a meal together. Humor helps us reconnect.
Micromanaging VS Strengths-Based Approach
Parents often feel the need to micromanage, especially as expectations on children increase with age. However, a strengths-based approach allows us to celebrate our children’s natural abilities, which helps them feel more relaxed and capable. When children don’t feel they constantly need to ‘measure up’, they’re less likely to develop negative coping mechanisms in response to criticism. Instead, they thrive naturally — and when they feel free to be themselves, we’re able to spend more time enjoying one another, building happier, healthier family dynamics.
Rimi
Micromanaging can be tempting, but it often causes more harm than good. Not only does it increase resentment, they lose the ability to trust in their own judgment. I’ve learned that offering guidance while giving my children the space to make decisions and learn from them builds self-confidence and resilience. When we give them room to grow, they are better equipped to handle life’s challenges.
Bingz
Yes, I agree! Respecting children’s individual styles helps them respond positively. The book Superparenting for ADD: An Innovative Approach to Raising Your Distracted Child, coauthored by Edward M. Hallowell M.D. and Peter S. Jensen, reminds us to “trust the process that love initiates…look for the person your child is trying to become.” Focusing on strengths reduces the need for constant correction and creates space for connection. I also find Dr Kathleen Friend’s book series on The Greatness Chair a helpful resource to focus on my children’s strengths instead of spending too much energy to highlight their weaknesses.
The Role of the MAP Method™ in Parenting
What is the MAP Method™?
The MAP (Make Anything Possible) Method is a therapeutic approach designed to identify and neutralize emotional triggers and subconscious patterns that keep us stuck in reactive states.
For example, you might be an expert in knowing all the ‘right’ parenting theories and on the polyvagal theory, but it takes a super long time and great conscious awareness to stop your automatic negative coping behaviors of nagging and scolding.
The beauty of using MAP is that we are training part of our minds, called the Superconscious mind, and intentionally leveraging the process of memory reconsolidation, to release the intense negative emotions in our long-term childhood and parenting memories so that we no longer feel that we have to nag and scold.
By first using MAP on ourselves, we can become more balanced and less reactive. This allows us to model calm behavior and help our children regulate their own emotions.
Bingz
With more awareness of the Polyvagal States, I’ve been working on my parenting triggers and neutralizing them through MAP. Though I still lose my temper sometimes, I’m more often able to reconnect and enjoy my time with my kids.
Rimi
MAP creates space for me to step out of reactive modes, helping me listen more fully to my teenage children’s needs, such as the need for support and validation. This shift has allowed me to approach parenting with greater compassion and openness.
Here Are Some Ways To Balance Correction With Connection
Parenting with the nervous system in mind means consistently checking in with ourselves and our children. Are we fostering secure attachments, co-regulation, and autonomy? Or are we keeping our children in heightened states of fear or resentment?
Rimi
As our children enter the teenage years, it’s important to prioritize nurturing and guidance over simply correcting behavior. This doesn’t mean we avoid discipline but approach it with compassion, helping our children feel safe, secure, seen and supported.
Bingz
Exactly. Reflect on whether your approach fosters connection or creates stress. If you’d like to explore methods like MAP that have helped us, feel free to reach out to us.
More about Bingz and Rimi
Bingz Huang is a mother to three young sons aged seven to twelve, and Rimi Yoshida has two teenage children — an elder daughter and a younger son.
We invite you to connect with us through our websites and Meetup Groups:
Websites: rimiyoshida.com, Bingz on Instagram
Meetup groups: Self Empowerment for Sensitive People, Honour Your Gentleness and Sensitivity
We would love to support you in your parenting journey!
