For Some, Canceled Holidays Are An Unexpected Relief
Many are feeling a weight lifted; but how do we deal with the pressure to attend holiday parties?
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No one is saying it. You know, that feeling. That feeling of relief.
Relief? During the holidays? In 2020?!
Yes. Exactly that. Many are feeling safer this year as the obligation to show up to a family gathering where one might have to act a certain way, play a certain part, or tolerate certain people is lifted.
For folks who are used to their identity in their families being less than authentic, you might know what I’m getting at. The holidays are a difficult time for a lot of people with dysfunctional or unsupportive families. While many are experiencing a sense of loss from canceled holiday gatherings, others are feeling like they got a get-out-of-jail-free card.
Then there’s a third category: The folks navigating saying “No cousin Deb, I am not coming to your house full of 30 people. Why? Uhhhh...”
We know especially in recent years, political fever pitches at holiday parties are an unending source of anxiety. Running into an aunt, uncle, or cousin who has a lot to say about the state of the world in ways that are less than self-aware, humanistic, and informed is bad enough. Add the pressure to show up despite a global pandemic, and you get another layer of frustration fruitcake that no one wants to eat.
But this year, there’s a built-in opportunity to opt-out thanks to COVID.
Well, kind of. That’s assuming that the family you’re dealing with:
- Believes COVID is real
- Doesn’t expect you to compromise your boundaries to travel home in the face of science
Okay, maybe it’s not as clear cut as we hoped.
I guess if a family is aligned with science in this way, I wouldn’t be on my digital soapbox right now. Perhaps there’s a correlation between COVID deniers and difficult family dynamics.
What I do know is this: For many in the recovery community, holiday times are, more often than not, stressful under normal circumstances. Usually, many of us suck it up and attend the family party; this time, community health calls. Attending parties is no longer just about us, it is, quite literally, about the difference between sickness or health, and life or death for everyone. And if you find yourself in uncharted territory with COVID-deniers, might I suggest that this may an opportunity to hone in on your boundary-drawing skills? Easier said than done, but maybe more necessary now.
The Heart of the Matter
There is a shocking lack of discussion happening on the internet around this topic. If you search “Holiday boundaries & COVID,” many of the articles that appear first are how-to’s on being safe during the holiday with the pandemic; not too much around the fear and anxiety, the conflict and confrontation of this year in particular.
I can’t tell a person what to do; if you agree with your family to get tested and quarantine, this isn’t an argument against that. I want to support those whose minds are made up: They are not going home this year, and help them brace for the fallout.
Under Better Circumstances, Give The Benefit of the Doubt
I wonder if this mentality of celebrating despite the pandemic is a way of coping; not quite a denial, but wishful thinking. That we need holidays now more than ever because of the virus. I am practicing not assuming the worst of others; a conflict-resolution skill that, in my mind, protects me from becoming the enemy. Looking at the issue in this light, I feel sympathy.
I would say that this feeling is less about needing the holidays themselves and more about the fact that we are all deprived of human connection in a way that a Zoom call can’t patch up. I get that. For many of us, though, this is ultimately misguided.
For those in this category, here are a few ways to approach the conversation:
- Set expectations ahead of time, with compassion: So much of what we need to do in these conversations is about being clear and speaking for ourselves. “Hi Mom, I know Christmas is a few weeks away. I am feeling uncomfortable with coming home since the cases haven’t dropped in a while. I would feel awful if I brought the virus home.”
- Acknowledge the other person’s feelings, state yours, and collaborate: “Mom, I know the holidays are your favorite, and this year has been hard on you. I know you miss me, and I miss you too. I also don’t feel comfortable coming if we don’t quarantine or get tested. Can we all try to do that?”
Uh, yeah, that won’t work — nice try, mental health lady on the internet!
Of course, not all families make room for the benefit of the doubt. You may be reading this, thinking, “I can’t conflict-resolution my way out of this one, my family is bananas.” Absolutely valid!
Some family members have contributed to uncomfortable and complicated holiday gatherings long before COVID. It’s not always as easy as “Sorry Uncle Joe, I just don’t want to get you sick! Go on without me!” *Click.*
If it were, it wouldn’t have taken a pandemic to draw that line.
Sometimes, for reasons entirely personal, we can’t cut ties with people who are harmful to our wellbeing. There are plenty of articles to tell you how to end relationships with family; this, unfortunately, is not one. That makes offering a solution more challenging. If you’re planning on attempting a boundary-setting conversation, maybe this is a good place to start:
You may state your needs only to have a family member respond with anger or passive-aggressive commentary.
When you’re met with negative reactions:
- Acknowledge emotion, but stay firm, & warn: “I understand you’re upset, and you may not agree with me about COVID, but this is my decision. If you keep speaking to me this way, I am going to have to hang up/speak with you another time.”
- State the facts: “Alright Aunt Nancy, here’s what I can do — I can Zoom chat the family while you have your gathering. I cannot attend in person.”
- Remember that the amount of information you choose to give about your decision is up to you. If you feel safest sending a text that simply reads “I’m sorry, I can’t make it this year, I hope you all have a good time,” that’s perfect! There is no wrong way to make a decision that honors your comfort first.
- Take a break. You don’t owe a quick response, or really one at all. Not every message needs a rebuttal. Your feelings and comfort are not a political debate, even if COVID has strangely become one in and of itself.
No matter what camp we’re in, this isn’t easy. If you have been feeling the extra burden of this pandemic on top of whichever holiday conflict category you normally fall into, you’re not alone. Your feelings of unease, anxiety, and exhaustion, are all perfectly rational reactions to an unpredictable year.
You are allowed to rest, you are allowed to set boundaries, and you are allowed to say, “Sorry, but no. Not this year.”
