The Resiliency of Relationships — Time to Rebuild
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Since the moment we are born, relationships with those around us are being created. Even before we can speak full sentences these relationships are forming with caregivers, family members, and as we grow older this can include friends and the relationships we form professionally. Every relationship over time suffers damage, be it from words said in anger or inadvertent actions without malicious intent. These experiences may be the cause of pain, reactive experiences and challenges within families or relationship units. With the intentional effort on behalf of all those involved, these chinks in the armor of a relationship can be repaired. The repair of relationships, in my experience, happens in slow intentional steps. As a sapling grows through the melting winter snow, relationships can grow even through the coldness of past transgressions.
How we build community and our relationships is based on our life experiences and continues to evolve over time. As human beings, we all play multiple roles in our lives; as siblings, parents, co-workers, and so on. Learning how to effectively communicate our needs, as well as honor the needs and wishes of others, will allow us to find harmony in our social, professional, and family roles. For those in recovery, healthy communication patterns and behaviors in relationships may not come as second nature for many different reasons. Often we are the perpetrators of harm, not only towards our loved ones, but ourselves as well. This can cause cyclical patterns of healing and hurting, broken promises and feelings of hopelessness for many.
In order to break some of these cycles and begin the process of healing for many relationships a focus on acknowledgement and resiliency is key. Resiliency can be defined as the ability to “bounce back” from difficulties or challenges one may face. It is found in each of us, especially anyone in recovery. This ability to be resilient can also be applied to relationships, so it is important to note that resiliency can be strengthened and be a major source of empowerment in recovery.
Recovery is often defined as a process and not an event, which includes the improvement of health and wellness as well as the continuation to strive to reach one’s own full potential; it makes sense that this can also be applicable to our relationships. As our counterparts or ourselves were harmed in some way, our relationships may also be affected by our healing. All relationships can heal as we heal; however, like a broken bone, they may not always heal as straight or as functional as we’d like. To restore our relationships to a place more supportive is a sign of healing, especially when in this day and age, it can be so easy to feel so disconnected from one another.
While all relationships can be healed, the complications of being in recovery, the consequences of our past transgressions, and possibly even who the relationship is with can make healing more difficult. In recovery we have the ability to create a family of choice if our family of origin is unable to heal with us or even in addition to for extra support. Family can be complicated. The complications of family and relationships can be tied into childhood traumas, unknown parenting snafus rooted in age-old societal wisdom, or even harmful culturally acceptable norms. While these things may have molded who we are now, they may also have attributed to some of the more challenging aspects and pieces of our perspective. This can affect how we view communication, relationship building, and boundaries.
My culture and upbringing has affected much of my personal relational perspectives so throughout my recovery the healing process has been difficult and not without mishap. Having to reassess the way I interact with my community, my family, my surroundings and myself has taken time and has been a dynamic process. As I work to become more intentional in learning and accepting responsibility I remind myself that everyone is going through life for the first time. By paying attention to the ways in which society, the media, and my community are connected to me I can be more aware of how I can become even more resilient in these relationships and in turn make them healthier for me.
Here are some helpful questions I’ve asked myself that may support recognizing these connections and their impacts:
- Does it support personal growth?
Does this connection promote your motivation, identity and productivity or habits? Is it more harmful or helpful? If the answers to these questions do not feel positive it may be time to strengthen some boundaries or reevaluate the connection.
- Is there open communication?
Is there understanding and listening happening on both ends? By having honest and open communication the ability to build trust and honor vulnerability in our relationships and connections can become easier and promote empathy and consistency.
- Honors boundaries?
Are boundaries explicit or implicit with this connection and are they respected? By choosing what is non negotiable for us and honoring that we are respecting not only our relationships with others but also our relationship with ourselves.
These questions can be broad, but I have found them incredibly helpful in supporting self-reflection and allowing myself to check in with how I am feeling. Although over time all relationships change, it is important to recognize that those changes can be positive. When building our resilience there is a reciprocity in the connections around us, and they in turn become more resilient as well. I’ve also found some relationships in my life will grow at a slower pace than I am — in those times it can be better to respect our own boundaries and love and support those we care about from afar.
