Why Compassion Will Keep You in Recovery
There are many ways to explain or understand the way we as humans change and have difficulty in changing. One powerful model that is often used is called ‘the stages of change’. These stages of change encapsulate the processes that we as humans take to go from thinking about making a change to actually making changes. This is referred to as the “action stage,” and some of the hardest things that we do as people is to make changes in our lives. The second hardest thing is usually to maintain those changes. That is the last step in this model — the maintenance stage, and often this is what is hard in recovery. This is where compassion comes into play.
What is Compassion?
Compassion is not only the act of feeling what someone may be going through, it is also the desire to want to help enact change in that situation whether big or small- all stemming from a loving place. It has been shown that compassion for the self is more helpful to support the changes you want to make and explore the reasoning behind the decision making. In choosing compassionate language when we speak to ourselves we invite understanding and awareness creating a positive relationship with the self. This allows for space between our triggers and the responses that we have to them.
I would love it if the world was conditioned and set up to advocate for compassion around every corner. That every parent was taught to raise their children compassionately and that our schools were equipped (even virtually) to support families and students alike to learn and exhibit compassion for their fellow peers. Whether in recovery or not there may be explicit or implied expectations of us -in our homes, workplaces, or society- that make navigating self-compassion difficult. Certain milestones like getting married, having children, going to college by 30, or owning a home all fall into those expectations especially if we are not choosing them for ourselves.These pieces can make our inner conversations difficult and make compassionate talk feel unnatural.
It may be easier to recognize language that’s harmful to others, yet we may still find it OK to use it on ourselves. At times in my life I thought it was just being ‘brutally honest’ and it would be helpful to get me to accomplish things or quit other habits or behaviors. Fortunately, I’ve been learning that this way of talking to myself may not even be helpful.
In this rapidly changing world where we are constantly redefining our safety and making sure our most primal needs are met it can become increasingly difficult to access our compassionate voices.
When we are stressed, overwhelmed, and unable to cope, negative or ‘harsh’ self talk can become a barrier to maintaining our wellness in recovery. Negative self talk happens subtly. It can sound like a teacher that said you were never going to amount to anything or someone who was really mean to you in high school when you were going through that really awkward phase. These ‘tapes’ or statements that get repeated may come from old messaging we received from the outside world as far back as our childhood. They may not even be in our own voices. They may be generalized statements that no longer fit the situations in our life or are unhelpful in cessation. With all of these additional challenges and roadblocks, being compassionate to ourselves can seem so exhausting after a day of surviving. In order to support our own positive growth using compassion we can ask ourselves –“Is this my voice? Is this specific to what is going on right now?” We can redefine our worth by using compassion as a tool, I may even go as far as to say a catapult, to help push us out of the heaviness that is the world -internally and externally- to a more accepting place.
Road to Change
Although it would be amazing to say that compassion for myself has been easy, change is not my favorite task. It demands intention, not giving up, and being ok with making mistakes. Change can feel hard when outcomes in the past could have been marred by not-so positive consequences. The difficulty can lie in old behaviors, which seem familiar and can masquerade as safe, creeping in when there’s an error or mistake made. I found it easier to beat myself up or to use blame and try to excuse myself from putting in anymore effort. What is amazing about using compassion is that it does not give me excuses, rather it allows me to accept where I am at that exact moment-just like the stages of change. With acceptance I can see more clearly my true feelings and barriers and rework my strategies or ask for help if need be.
Compassion has helped me grow, allowed me to learn to listen to myself, strengthened my boundaries, increased my self-love, and helped me become a better version of myself. I know that if it can do all that for me in the places that I have been — it can do amazing things for anyone that gives themselves the opportunity.
