What your Mario Kart character says about your sex life
Having trouble under the sheets and on the track? This essay could give you insight into your love life as well as your Mario Kart placings. Whether you prefer mediocre characters like Toad, or O.G characters like Mario or Peach, every character is different and has their own special quirk. Please note that this article is opinion based, so many of these assumptions are based off of personal experience and not fact.
Mario: One of the most iconic characters of the Mario Kart series, this character has nothing special about him. If you’re a person that tends to race as Mario, you can be pretty forgettable when it comes to getting down to business, as you aren’t too good, but not too bad as pleasuring your partner. Other than that there isn’t too much too much to say about Mario, as no one really cares about him.
Luigi: As someone who is very underrated, people who play as Luigi are very weak willed. As you have a lot to bring to the table, you are usually outshined by other people, especially Mario people that tend to get much more credit for anything and everything by women. This in turn makes Luigi people very sexually frustrated. This built up frustration is sometimes let out on Mario people, which results in“virgin on virgin violence.”
Peach: As one of the most embarrassing people to play as in the Mario Kart saga, people who tend to play as Peach usually have the medical condition known as B.D.E. or as we like to call it, “Big D$%@ Energy.” This means that people who race as Peach have MASSIVE shlongs and can perform amazingly in bed. If you have a lover that likes to play as Peach, you will have no trouble being satisfied whatsoever and will be extremely happy in your relationship.
Toad: “Toad is a no good piece of crap racer that is obnoxious and annoying. If you play as toad you’re gay and no one likes you.” When asked on his take of racing as Toad, Sage Smotherman had nothing good to say about him. Whether this is because Mr. Smotherman plays as Toad and is unhappy with himself, or just has natural malice for the character, it is a true fact that people who play Toad are sexually unsatisfying to say the least, as Toad has the smallest penis of all of the Mario characters and will usually be heard screaming and yelling “oh yea” constantly while in between the sheets. This results in Toad having the highest concentration of virgins out of every Mario Kart player.
Yoshi: One of the most sexually confusing characters in the Mario universe. Yoshi is considered a male by most, but what people don’t know is that Yoshi is as a matter of fact a female as SHE lays eggs from HER butt and is in a relationship with Birdo, a character that is identified as male but acts as if he were a female. As said in the official “Super Mario Bros 2” manual, it states that “He thinks he’s a girl and shoots eggs from his mouth.” As politically incorrect this may sound, it doesn’t hide the fact that Birdo, Yoshi’s lover, is indeed a male. Now while this could mean Yoshi is gay, Yoshi lays eggs from his butt, which implies that it is a female. Basically people that play as Yoshi tend to be sexually confused and may even be gay.
Donkey Kong: Big, hairy, and awkward. These three words sum up the sex life of a Donkey Kong. Usually very quiet, these people can appear out of thin air and will be very quiet until the dirty deed is done. After finishing said deed, they’ll beat their chests like a gorilla and make loud snorting noises. Worst case scenario they’ll hold you sexually hostage until an unknowing “Mario” person must save you.
Wario: Sometimes words can’t describe something due to how immensely amazing it is, or how it has changed something for the better. This is definitely not the case for people who play as Wario. Wario people tend to scare other mates away with their obnoxious attitudes and their ungodly appearances. This results in Wario people keeping to themselves and tending to go out of their way to look better and will spend lump sums of money on their clothes, cars, looks, and especially noses. This will give them the title of “that one ugly friend that always looks fly” among the friend group. This, in turn, results in Wario people being the subject of most jokes due to their god awful looks.
Bowser: Overcompensating would be an understatement when it comes to people who play as this god awful character. Big Trucks, huge houses, nice clothes, strict gym regiment, you name, they got it. All of these big things they have are only to hide the fact that they have the smallest penis out of every Mario Kart character ever. Nothing will ever be able to hide the fact that they’ll never be packing as much as anyone. Even a Toad, the most hated character out of all of these, will always have a leg up on any given Bowser player on any given day. It is considered one of the eight wonders of the world just based off the fact that most Bowser players will never be able to see their own penis’. This forever torments these players, as never seeing your own package as a boy can be extremely bothersome to many.
