Don’t Compare My Bad Day to Someone Else’s
Support, not comparison, is the secret to pull me out of my sadness.
The one time I called in sick in my entire working life I wasn’t even sick.
I had been crying on my couch all morning, unable to stop, or to even get up. No, I could definitely not just “snap out of it.”
I wasn’t physically hurt, no one I cared about was hurt or had died. I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back and enough food to sustain me. I had a job, for chrissake, I shouldn’t even be complaining.
Yet, there I was, crying my eyeballs out. Having a bad day.
Having an emotional breakdown is never fun. I’ve had a few, even though that was the only time it kept me from getting out of the house and going to work.
It has always upset me whenever someone undermined mine or anyone else’s pain with statements like, “a lot of people live way worse lives than you do. There’s no way you’re having a bad day. Not a real bad day.”
Or even, “so-and-so spent a week lost in a forest with only half a pack of mints to sustain them and made it out alive. Not once they thought they were having a bad day. They simply persevered. Powered through.”
“Think you’re having a bad day? I’ll prove to you that you’re not, so you better think again.”
Every night as I fall asleep I thank any higher power out there for the fact that I have a roof over my head, clothes to wear and enough food to eat. I say a prayer in genuine gratitude for not having to worry about where my next meal is going to come from.
That habit does help put my life in perspective, fall asleep with a more positive mindset and have hope for a better tomorrow.
But I still get bad days every once in a while, because when the pain comes, it comes with a vengeance.
I makes my heart ache, and it makes me slip under the covers mid-afternoon to cry — I don’t have to call in sick anymore, I work from home (lucky me. Yeey!).
As for the amazing people who survived a severe life-or-death situation, ever considered they made it because adrenaline and survival instincts kicked in and kept them going all the way through the end? That’s how people survive seven days lost in a jungle, or two weeks stuck in a cave, or whatever it is.
But do you honestly think that after they return to their ordinary lives and the adrenaline subsides they won’t allow themselves a “bad day” just because they’ve seen worse? It must be a pretty tough thing to do to keep yourself happy on the basis of “I’ve been through worse, so I have no right to complain about anything else that comes my way. Ever.”
That’s a pretty brutal way to live.
I’m not in favor of melting down over the first obstacle. I do think it’s important to build resilience, physical, mental and emotional. But I also happen to know the damage that not validating your own feelings can cause, and I know it’s definitely not healthy to suppress how you feel at all costs because you don’t believe you have a right to those feelings.
They say comparison is the thief of joy, but comparison is also the thief of self. If I don’t allow myself to feel my own pain on the basis of “someone else has it worse,” I’m suppressing my true self on the basis of a comparison.
Living a good life is a balancing act between improving yourself, toughening yourself up, and validating your own feelings.
I suggest we stop with the fake motivational speech of “someone else out there has it worse.” That’s not a cure-all for sadness, depression, anxiety, or any kind of emotional pain. Invalidating someone’s pain on the basis of comparison can actually make that pain even worse, because it makes them feel weak and stupid for being so upset “over nothing.”
Friendly reminder, if it hurts, then it’s not “nothing.”
And making someone feel silly for feeling the way they do is not a recipe to make anyone stronger in any way, shape or form. It’s actually a recipe for fostering insecurity and fear.
People are different, and some of us are more emotionally strong than others. Some of us have depression. Some of us will just break down at different points in life than others, over different things.
We need to support each other in moments of crisis, not undermine each other’s pain on the basis of judging what someone has the right to be upset about or not.
So no, you don’t get to judge my bad day. If reminding yourself that someone has it worse works for you, then great. It doesn’t give you the right to rub my face in someone else’s misery while urging me to reevaluate what a bad day means to me. I know what a bad day means to me.
I hope you know what a bad day means to you, and I hope that when it comes, you’re not made to feel silly for feeling the way you do.
