Everyone’s Been Calling You a People-Pleaser
Except they’ve been using other words.
If you’re a people-pleaser like me, chances are you’ve been complimented a lot. For your patience, understanding, flexibility, and more. That’s the whole point of people-pleasing, after all, to get people to like you.
Everyone just seems to think you’re a sweetheart of a person, while on the inside you’re hurting because you compromise your values time and time again.
But the compliments make you feel better about yourself. Don’t they?
What you fail to see is that those compliments aren’t always positive, they’re a distorted view of how your low-self esteem operates. They’re just alternative titles for “people-pleaser,” which is someone many people like to have around, but not as many people actually respect.
They’re an attempt to convince you to keep doing whatever it is you’re doing that’s making life easier for them.
If you’re a people-pleaser, people may tell you that you that you are:
“Accommodating.”
As a people-pleaser, you hate conflict, and you do everything in your power to avoid it. You often concede to the whims and demands of others while suppressing your own desires, and for that you’re graciously called “accommodating.”
“Accommodating” usually means that people come to you because they know you’ll cave to whatever it is they want without much effort on their part to convince you, and without them having to yield an inch on their firm standings.
“A diplomat.”
You’re called a diplomat when your determination to avoid conflict at all costs causes you to act as a third-party peacemaker on issues in which you’re only tangentially involved, or not involved at all.
You can’t stand the sight of two people taking so long to reach a compromise, so you intervene, usually taking upon your own shoulders the lion’s share of the problem. To make the problem go away, you make it yours.
In the end, you have achieved peace, the other parties involved are happy, but at the cost of you taking more responsibilities on your already overflowing plate.
You’re also called a diplomat when you always reach an understanding, even if it means you’re usually the one backing down on your personal interests.
“Flexible, adaptable.”
In the people-pleaser universe, being flexible means you let others mold you into whatever they want.
You’re always scheduling your appointments around their calendars, always on time when they’re late, always up for a last-minute change of plans.
Being adaptable also means you’re good at taking cues from other people’s personalities, and making sure you fit into them. It goes beyond the personality mirroring so many charismatic people have it down because it’s subservient in nature.
Charismatic people are always one step ahead, and usually get what they want in the end. People-pleasers tend to always be one step behind, doing whatever they can to fit in, including overriding their own personalities.
“Understanding.”
You gobble down excuses with the enthusiasm of a wild turkey. That’s what “understanding” means.
There’s a difference between a legitimate issue and an excuse, but in your eagerness to be understanding and avoid conflict, you accept excuses as if they were legitimate issues, as if they not only explained, but justified someone’s horrible behavior towards you.
How to be all of the above without falling on the people-pleaser trap
There’s a reason those compliments sound so nice on the surface: because they actually reflect good qualities.
You can aspire to be all of the above the right way, by letting go of your people-pleaser tendencies and embracing the attitudes those compliments should refer to.
To be accommodating doesn’t mean to let yourself be run over
The secret to life is balance. If it bothers you that others see you as accommodating, the answer isn’t to suddenly become inflexible.
The answer is to go back to your values, have them clearly on your mind so that you’re not allowing yourself to be run over on stuff that really matters to you.
Make an effort to know yourself better so you can keep in mind what you can be accommodating on and what you absolutely can’t.
A true diplomat stands up for the values of her country
We have this wrong view of diplomacy as meaning that everyone is supposed to get along. That’s not how diplomacy — real diplomacy between nations — works.
A real diplomat stands up for the interests and values of her country, and she wouldn’t be doing a very good job if she caved to every other country’s demands, or took over other countries’ problems as if they were her own.
The same is valid for relationships between people. You can be a diplomatic person, meaning, you can establish a respectful dialog as you seek an understanding, but you can do that without compromising your values, or assuming responsibilities that aren’t yours to begin with.
A good diplomat knows that walking away from the table without an agreement is part of the job. It doesn’t mean she failed. It doesn’t mean she was less diplomatic for standing up for her country’s values. At a personal level, you should remember to do the same.
A good diplomat also understands it’s not always her place to intervene in third-party conflicts. Sometimes, you have to let others figure out their own conflicts so you’re not hurt by the fallout. It’s true for nations, and it’s true for your personal life.
Focus on adapting to situations instead of bending your personality
It’s great to be able to think on your feet, to be flexible and able to adapt quickly to a new scenario, but those qualities should serve who you are, not rule who you are.
You shouldn’t change your personality in the name of adaptability. You shouldn’t suppress your wants and needs in an attempt to be flexible to other people’s demands and expectations.
Focus on adapting to the different situations that are presented to you, using your values as a compass, not on bending your personality and compromising your values to please those around you.
An understanding person knows the difference between an issue and an excuse
Issues can be understood — and forgiven, but excuses shouldn’t always be tolerated.
You know an issue when you see one. You know when someone is battling their worse demons and still making an effort to show up, to do a good job, to be a valuable friend.
And you know when someone is just full of BS, when they have an explanation for just everything. They come at you with that stuff before you even ask. They know you’re a sucker for it, after all, you’re so understanding.
Be understanding of people’s problems and issues, but quit accepting any excuse that comes your way. Raise your standards for acceptable behavior. You’ll be much happier once you do.
