GasLighting
It seems that ‘Gas lighting’ is in the media these days, but do we really understand the term? I was gas lit for several years in a relationship and it can be debilitating. After leaving the relationship I put a lot of time into myself trying to find out what went wrong — as we all do at times, right?
I put some of her phrases into Google and the recurring theme was this thing called Gas Lighting. Everything fit, and I felt better getting a handle on what was going on. Then I grabbed some books and read those — but while they were very enlightening, none of them covered the DARVO process that gas lighters tend to go through and that was part that I was most interested in. That is why I am writing this in hopes of getting the information out so we can all protect ourselves.
Most simply explained — gas lighting is the removal of power from a person through BS.
If your boss claims credit for something you did, and does not acknowledge your input, this is gas lighting. You are left powerless and unable to claim the credit and recognition you deserve.
This can be insidious in a relationship so please let me explain the DARVO process through an innocuous example — if your partner accepts compliments for the garden — without acknowledging that you did the work.
If you call your partner out on the garden thing, and their reply is — ‘No no, they were talking about the place in the garden that I did a year ago — you remember that don’t you?’ then you are left questioning your perception of reality — maybe they did do that spot, you then start to question both your memory and/or if this discussion is worth having — after all, that is what partners do so you let it go — the behavior succeeded and the gas lighter is therefore reinforced and more likely to act similarly in the future.
But if you continue to question, the DARVO process comes more in to play.
- Deny the abuse ever took place.
No I didn’t…., that is not what happened…., you are wrong…
This first stage is where the person in the above example says ‘No no, they were talking about a different spot’. This, from experience is the first reaction, and even in the face of evidence they will continue to deny that the event took place, often with shades of meaning but sometimes with blatant denials. It could be that you were mistaken and should be able to be sorted out very quickly.
Should you continue to question the event, the gas lighter will
- Attack the victim for attempting to hold them accountable;
‘Oh, don’t be so silly, this isn’t worth talking about.’ or ‘Is this actually something you want to talk/fight about?’ or ‘Oh, you are being pathetic. It is just a garden.’ In this stage the gas lighter will belittle your attempts at getting the understanding that you deserve. At this stage red flags should be ringing through your head.
- Reversing the Victim and Offender
But it is because my parents…. My life is so hard, so…. How can you say these things when I am going through…. It is not fair that you raise this now… I’m just trying to cope so don’t… Well, I only did that because you …. I am sorry but you….. You shouldn’t have been/done….. You have brought that upon yourself because…
In our gardening case, ‘I had to redo that spot because you planted the wrong thing — remember?’ or ‘No, I did that spot because you did not buy enough fertilizer when we were working there last year.’
Gas lighting is part of the Cluster B set of Narcissistic personality disorders. True gas lighters are narcissists and have no perception of their impact on others feelings, of the impact of what they are doing. It may also be that this is what their parents did and it is simply a learnt behavior. Whatever, it is not good enough.
Gaslightees often report losing confidence, feeling unsure of the decisions that they used to be able to make and being unable to function without the SO (the gaslighter) giving some kind of ‘OK’. Should the gaslightee stand up from themselves and attempt to either rectify the understanding or set new boundaries, the gaslighter will become abrasive and possibly abusive.
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We all need to be a little narcissistic to be able to function, to set boundaries — “No I do not accept this behavior” is, by definition, narcissistic but ‘normal’ people are aware of the impact on others and couch their language in acceptable formats. When Gas lighting behavior is 1) allowed to continue and 2) accepted without consequence, it becomes very hard to extinct.
The case of the garden was not an actual case in my relationship but the chrome cast on the TV was. So was deciding on accommodation during holidays and where the oven trays went. None of these issues were ‘big things’ — there were certainly others that were — but if this maladaptive schema continues, you will continue to doubt yourself. And that will impact on your career, your interaction with your children, and your relationships with your friends and family.
It is difficult to spot in a relationship, especially in the honeymoon phase, when there are hundreds of these little conversations and the gas lighter may not be aware of these maladaptive behaviors. There may not be an intentional use of these techniques, but rather an ingrained schemata that has been positively reinforced for years and has helped them survive.
If you notice that you are not as confident as you used to be, that you are having difficulty making decisions, that you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells — there might be something to talk to a therapist about. I would suggest alone at first so they can fully understand the issue and give you the tools to deal with it better. Then if it continues, go together. Or leave.
Boundaries are important and accepting your partner as they are is fundamental to all relationships — but this needs to be a two way street. Communication is paramount — if they claim credit for your corner of the garden or your corner of anywhere — they are stealing your self-worth. If your partner is unwilling to recognise you questioning, and is willing to devalue you — it might be a good idea to think about moving on.
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References
Narcissists Exposed — 75 things narcissists don't want you to know — Drew Keys
How to deal with gaslighting — Bob Scott
Gas Lighting — how to recognise manipulative and emotionally abusive people…and break free — Stephanie Sarkis [highly recommended]
Boundaries after a pathological Relationship — Adelyn Birch
