Most Days, I Feel like a Shark: If I Stop Swimming, I’ll Drown
I fear the day I’ll be just too exhausted to swim.
Most days, I feel like I can’t stop.
Like a shark, if I stop swimming I won’t get enough water flowing through my gills and I will die. I’ll just sink to the bottom or the ocean (or float upwards?), my once capable, fearsome body now stiff and useless.
And all it would take would be for me to stop for just one day. Just a quick break, not even a full vacation.
In my life, not stopping ever translates into getting enough writing done so I can get paid. It also means getting enough writing done so I can finish my first novel some time in this lifetime, and don’t die without having achieved at least one of my dreams.
And lastly, it means distracting myself enough so I don’t give in to the despair that comes from knowing someday I’m going to die. And then that will be it.
Depressing, I know.
There’s not much about feeling like a shark that’s very uplifting.
It sounds cool at first glance, doesn’t it? “I feel like a shark.” Makes one think of a fierce, strong creature, someone who’s determination will drive them to accomplish their goals, no matter what.
But that’s not exactly how I feel. In my case, it’s less about determination and more about feeling like I can’t stop. I’m not allowed to stop.
Feeling like I can’t stop has very little to do with feeling like I’m unstoppable, and a lot to do with my anxiety. It’s a feeling that comes not from believing I can do anything, but from the fear I might do nothing otherwise.
And then there’s the fear that one day I’ll be too tired to keep going, and that that break will be enough to make my whole life collapse over my head.
Trying to resignify the shark under a positive light
If I must keep going, then I’d rather keep going with the strength and purposefulness of a shark.
It’s up to me to resignify what feeling like a shark means, and even though it does come with a lot of pressure to perform, it can become a source of motivation if I look at it through the right lens, which I have been trying to.
Apparently, some sharks are able to lay on the ocean floor and shut part of their brains out while another part, or their spinal chords, keep them moving just enough so they can still “breathe” as they rest. While that’s not the same as completely stopping, I’ll take a day or two of doing less, if it will allow me to take a break while still keeping me afloat.
We each have our hangups in life, and mine is the fear that I might not be good enough to build anything of value in the short time I’m allotted in this world. Doing things in a hurry, however, is no guarantee of success. Consistency is key, and that’s another positive way in which to frame the shark mindset.
Feeling like a shark might not be immediately inspirational, but I do hope it can become a good enough mindset for me — if only I remember to keep swimming forward.
