One Who’s Never Wrong Never Goes Anywhere
From career stagnation to lack of personal growth, are you completely stuck in your own excuses?
They may not see it — and they wouldn’t admit it if they did anyway — but not owning mistakes is costing a lot of people a lot of great opportunities.
You might have seen them around. They’re that coworker whom no one warned not to talk to about the company’s secret new product outside of the office. It’s not that they have loose lips, is that no one made them sign an NDA.
They’re that person you dated who claimed you were over-reacting every time something they did din’t sit well with you — and you had the guts to let them know. They didn’t mean to upset you or hurt you, so it shouldn’t matter that they did. Everyone knows no bad outcomes ever come from good intentions.
They’re that friend who’s always 40 mins late to everything, not because they never put any real effort on being on time, but because of traffic.
It’s never their fault. Not really.
Somewhere along the way these people might have picked up that they were expected to be flawless. It might have started with their domineering parents, pushing them to behave a certain way, wear certain clothes, be always the top of their class — so that they were worthy of love.
Their parents failed at demonstrating unconditional parental love, and instead, they learned they could only be loved under the condition that mommy and daddy were never disappointed.
Whenever they did something wrong, they would hide it at all costs. They would blame either their siblings, or the dog, and even if there was no one else to blame, they’d go on denying they had anything to do with the problem at all.
“No, mommy, I don’t know who ate all the cookies from the cookie jar, even though I was home alone all afternoon. I swear it wasn’t me.”
They feel like they can’t risk not being loved anymore, and they’ll try anything to make it seem like they’re worthy of that love.
After they’re done with school and get a job, they apply the same logic that guided their behavior towards their parents to their boss: being competent means being flawless, and to maintain the illusion of perfection, they simply deny responsibility over any mistakes.
That’s why, when a colleague criticizes or raises concerns over something they did, the concerned party are actually too short sighted to see the brilliancy of what they meant to accomplish. It’s all in the intention.
When a friend is upset with their actions, that’s a sign they’ve been hanging out with uptight or overly-sensitive people all along. Where are the cool people who can let loose? Where are the friends who “get” their sense of humor? Apparently they can’t find any.
If their boss flat-out tells them they screwed up, they actually didn’t do anything wrong, they just received “bad information,” or were “poorly advised.”
These people thrive on the feeling of perfection and invincibility that not admitting their mistakes brings them — it can be a real self-esteem booster to delude yourself to the point of believing you’re perfect — but it just makes them look like a jerk to everyone else.
And sure, hiding their mistakes from their boss may not get them fired — at least not right away — but it sure as hell won’t get them promoted. Good bosses can see through bullshit like that, and good bosses know it pays off to invest in honest, accountable people more than it pays sticking with people who put extra effort into appearing perfect.
That’s the number one opportunity they’re missing out on by no owning their mistakes: a great career.
They’re missing out on being asked to be a team leader because no one wants to report to the person who can throw them under the bus at any moment.
They’re not being heard at the most important meetings because no one wants to listen to the person who has all of the excuses and none of the accountability.
They’re stuck working with a shitty boss who eats up all their bullshit instead of being hired by a great boss who could catapult their careers to its highest level — if only they were honest and dropped the bullshit.
The second opportunity they’re missing out on: forming meaningful connections.
Not lacking people to hang out with on a Friday night isn’t the same as having meaningful, fulfilling friendships. Responsible, accountable people eventually get tired of the excuse machine and step away. Just as water seeks its own level, people who never admit their mistakes tend to pair up with other responsibility avoiding experts, or establish toxic relationships with people whose self-esteem is too low to stand up for themselves.
Lastly, one who avoids admitting mistakes is standing in the way of his or hers own personal growth.
The opportunity to learn from our mistakes is invaluable for our growth as people. Assuming responsibility allows you not only to learn how to not repeat a mistake, but to learn humility and accountability.
Too many people avoid admitting mistakes to maintain the veneer of perfection they believe they have built for themselves. They confuse admitting a mistake with appearing weak, with taking a hit, so they’re always on the offense — which to them is the best defense.
Instead of saying they’re sorry, they accuse others of being oversensitive.
Instead of stopping to reevaluate the outcome of their actions, they insist their good intentions should grant them a clean slate.
Instead of taking a blow they totally deserve, they’ll grab the nearest person to use as a human shield.
Then they wonder why other people are successful while they’re not. They wonder why a coworker who admitted to a colossal mistake last month is now getting promoted. They wonder why the only people asking them out are the same boring friends who are always late because of traffic.
They don’t realize how stuck in life they are. Perhaps they feel a little bit behind, but they’re ready to blame it on some perceived injustice or on how no one can see how amazing they actually are.
They refuse to see how their attitude is what is keeping them stuck — and how simple it is to change that.
Sure, it takes work, but the process is actually simple.
If you feel like you may be similarly stuck, perhaps following these steps will help.
First, it’s important to become more tolerant of other people’s mistakes. No one is under any obligation of being flawless, and everyone deserves basic respect. Once you learn not to judge others so harshly, you stop fearing they’ll do the same to you.
Second, it’s essential to learn how to validate yourself instead of seeking external validation. Sure, we all thrive on hearing we’ve done a good job, but it’s important to let go of the idea that you’re only worthy if people think you’re perfect. Those who love you will love you for who you are, and those who decide to hate you will hate you no matter what, so try to relax.
Third, practice giving other people’s concerns a fair shot. Actually listen to what they have to say instead of instinctively shutting them down from the start. Yes, being criticized sucks, and you definitely don’t have to stand for rude or offensive feedback, but if someone comes to you politely with a valid concern, you should at least hear them out.
Fourth, practice saying, “I’m sorry.” No “I’m sorry, but.” No “if only I knew X, or had been told Y.”
“I’m sorry, I messed up.” That’s it.
Start slow and start small, and see how far it can get you.
