Quarantining with Child(ren)
Rapid overnight transformation in to a stay at home mum has been a shock to my system. I value my alone time, mental stimulation outside of the home and a change of environment, so very dearly.
It has become even clearer that a sense of adventure is a core value for me, and this can be going somewhere new, engaging in interesting conversation, having time to write out some meaningful thoughts on my quest for truth or just wandering off without a goal in mind.
Yet now, I am full time mum, mainly playing, cooking, hugging, gazing lovingly at my little boy, becoming exasperated with him and hiding in the bathroom when I feel I need to.
How to balance both sides of myself? At the moment, I can’t. I am still in the process of accepting the change. And isn’t that so important, when embracing any imposed change such as this quarantine, that we accept it first? This leads us to surrender and be present in the moment, vitally here, now.
However, when I read well intentioned Instagram posts listing a multitude of projects to do with the kids, why do I feel so depressed? I have stumbled upon a stubborn part of me that won’t accept what is staring me in the face. Life is not the same, and may not be for some months. This requires a metaphorical pause button to activate for my usual life, and a redirecting of intention towards something else. I realise so much of my “self” is invested in the activities I do and the ways in which I usually think.
So, I’m wiping the slate clean, and starting again, intentionally, with purpose. This time is showing me how much humans make their own meaning for just about everything in life. Even choosing to accept the moment or not. I am acutely aware that I can change my thinking or feeling at any moment and there is great freedom in this. My business may suffer, my freedom is gone to a large degree, but a light is being shone on what I value. Perhaps the stubborn frustration I feel shows how much I love the life I have built.
My little boy is telling me more and more that he loves me, and I realise that’s because of all the extra quality time we have spent together, and it’s far from perfect.
What is important to children, is special time, eye contact, reassurance, cuddles, honouring their feelings, and engaging in the endless curiosity and imagination they embody so well.
My son has accepted the change with an open mind and heart, and has found the good within it. I on the other hand with my (totally natural) negativity bias, have firstly found the worst parts, the limitations and the losses. The fear that arises from future based thinking has blocked me from the joy in the moment, and the connection to embracing the here and now.
In light of this, firstly comes acceptance and a letting go (for now), of the self I was before. Maybe then I will feel less anxious, more adjusted to the moment and remembering that this is, “for now”, like everything truly is in life, is a great comfort.
