Safety Tips for Women Just Getting Started with Online Dating
How you can stay safe, meet great men and have fun.
Online dating seems like the norm these days, but if it’s your first time joining in, it can be a bit scary.
I remember when I created my very first online dating profile. I felt a mixture of nervousness and excitement. I knew I should be careful, but I didn’t really know all the rules, and I definitely didn’t know everything people were capable of in these platforms.
I had never considered anyone would upload a picture of someone other than themselves to their profile, for instance. If that sounds naive to you, great. But I wouldn’t judge anyone whose lack of experience led her to not consider the possibility that people lie. Especially online.
Not everything about online dating should scare you, though. Online dating is a great way to meet people, and as long as you take a few basic precautions, you shouldn’t get into trouble.
If it seems too good to be true, it definitely is
You come across the profile of a man who’s just your type. Right age, gorgeous picture. He seems a bit out of your league, but he’s interested in you, and that boosts your self-esteem just the right amount.
There’s not a lot on his bio, just enough to indicate he’s an interesting person: he’s got a profession, a few hobbies, maybe one or two favorite movies.
Once you get to talking, he’s the perfect gentleman.
You feel like you hit the jackpot.
And that’s when it hits you: the feeling that he might be just too good to be true. Never, ever, ignore that feeling. Dig deeper instead.
Reverse image search
This is one of my favorite tools to stay out of trouble when online dating. Often “too good to be true” begins with how good-looking someone is, and with the feeling he’s out of your league. Not to put anyone down, but women usually know what range of men they tend to attract. Take a minute to think about yours if you have to.
To reverse image search, just take a screenshot of his picture on your computer or phone, upload it to Goggle Image Search, and see what pops up.
When to reverse image search:
- He’s so handsome he could be an actor or model;
- His pictures look professionally taken: great lighting, great scenery, he’s wearing nice clothes that look brand new, the picture was clearly taken in a studio.
- He only has one or two pictures on his profile;
- His bio barely says anything about him at all;
- His picture is low-quality.
What you might find:
You might find your handsome man came from a stock photo website, Pinterest, or a male clothes catalog (yes, really).
This is the result of a reverse image search I had to do just this morning.
This is the screenshot I took (notice how low-quality it is):
This is the result Google provided (notice how the very first image is a perfect match):
Upon further investigation, I found this handsome bearded gentleman is very prominent on Pinterest. Either I had just matched with a legit Pinterest model, or someone was trying to play me. Which one do you think it was?
With time and enough practice, you won’t even need to reverse image search anymore. A quick glance at someone’s profile photo and you’ll be able to tell it’s not legit.
Find them on social media — or google them
You can also ask him for other social media handles (Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn) or add him on Facebook. If you know his full name, google him.
If you know his first name and where he says he works, that will help your search.
You don’t have to keep Googling him until you’ve filled a 50-pages report on his life, just enough so that you can tell he’s a real person, not a scammer.
A reverse search may also reveal he’s using someone else’s picture he stole from social media. You’ll know that’s the case if you find a profile with the same picture under someone else’s name, or several profiles with the same picture.
Beware of lame excuses
Be careful if he constantly dodges invitations to meet in person, avoids phone calls (he doesn’t want you to hear his voice), and avoids video calls (he doesn’t want you to see his face).
Lame excuses include:
- “My ex really hurt me, so I’m taking it slow.” (Taking it slow is ok, taking it super slow is a red flag);
- Out of town (or country): I’m abroad on business, I’m a ship captain, I’m in the army, etc;
- Sick or taking care of sick relatives;
- Too shy/ introverted for a voice call or in-person meeting.
Don’t take too long to meet in person
The point of online dating is to connect two people who wouldn’t normally meet in person so that they can, well, meet in person.
If you’ve been chatting online for a few days and it’s going well, there’s no point in postponing an in-person meeting any longer. If your guy is taking too long to ask you out, you can ask him. If he comes up with too many excuses (see above), it might be a sign he’s not worth your time and effort. Move on.
Have a video call
It’s 2020, and with the covid-19 pandemic, meeting anyone in person is virtually impossible, but you can still video chat.
Until you can actually go out and have a date, a video call is your safest option to move things along and don’t let any of the sparks die.
Video calls are not 100% scammer-proof, but the chances a scammer will agree to show his face are so slim you’re essentially safe.
Meet in a public place
Your first time meeting in person should always be in a public place. Consider a park, a coffee shop, a bookstore, a restaurant.
Public places offer you witnesses and plenty of exits should anything go wrong.
For now, be mindful of the social distancing guidelines to prevent the spread of covid-19. Maybe keep this tip tabbed for a little while until it’s safer going out there.
If something feels off, don’t be afraid to hurt their feelings
Women often get into trouble for being too nice and afraid of hurting someone else’s feelings. When it comes to online dating, however, you should never be afraid to make someone feel bad to promote your own safety.
If someone’s behavior feels off, disengage immediately.
Be careful with requests for naked pictures
It’s 2020, and I’m the last person who’s going to tell anyone not to send nudes. You do you.
Just be very aware that there’s absolutely no guarantee your images are safe with anyone. He might share them with just one friend, with the world — or he might have his computer hacked and your images leaked. You never know what can happen.
Don’t let anyone prey on your loneliness and your vulnerability to get sexy images from you. If you feel weird or uncomfortable doing it, say no. If he insists, it might be a sign you have to let him go.
Never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Online or in real life.
Never send anyone money — no matter how small the amount
One of the dangers of online dating is being scammed for money.
You might be emotionally involved (scammers won’t ask for money unless they think you already are), but remember: it’s not your job to bail anyone out of anything. Especially if you’ve never met him in person.
Scammers will usually ask for a small amount in the beginning (like $10, or $20), just to test your willingness to help. When it comes to online dating, however, asking for money is always a red flag, no matter the amount. Don’t be afraid to say no.
They might claim you hurt their feelings. They might ghost you until you miss them so much you reach out to re-establish contact. Don’t. Lending or giving someone money is a serious step in any relationship, but you denying someone money isn’t a good enough reason for a serious person to dump you.
Don’t forget to have fun
There are many great men online dating, even more than liars and scammers. These great men are looking for love just like you are.
They are careful and cautious just like you are, but they’re also eager and ready to find real connection. Give them a fair chance, the result might surprise you.
