‘Should’
I have fairly recently come out a relationship which I am still trying to understand. I am happy that I am out but am writing down some things that transpired to both figure them out and in the hopes that someone will read them and make better choices. So let me tell you about an incident that happened at the beginning of the relationship where I should have read the signs, but further than that, to illustrate that there are no simple answers sometimes.
One night early in the relationship my SO and I were getting into bed. She wore an eye mask and ear plugs to bed and I was thinking perhaps blackout curtains and me sleeping in the other room if I was snoring was a good idea. Apparently all the women in her family have issues with sleeping — although after meeting her mother this was not the case. However, I felt sorry that she had to go through that rigmarole every night — and, unthinkingly, I said the seven worst words ever — “You should be able to sleep better.” Nothing was meant beyond a desire to empathise, for her to be able to get into bed, close her eyes and sleep. I mean, sleep is important to every aspect of our lives.
Hell have no fury like a woman scorned is the saying but apparently ‘should’ runs a close second.
Before I go on, please let me say two things. Firstly I agree that the word ‘should’ can be detrimental to both ourselves and others. It can be controlling. It can be demeaning. It can make the listener feel like they have failed. Read this tiny buddha article — it makes a lot of sense and worthy of consideration.
So we can agree that the word ‘should’ can be dangerous in a relationship.
But hang on a second.
Part of the work that I did during my Masters was around modality, in particular modal auxiliary verbs — of which ‘should’ is one. And generally (but not universally) there are considered to be three types of modality in English: epistemic modality is concerned with the speaker’s beliefs, and covers areas such as certainty, possibility, doubt and logical necessity — “He may be here tomorrow”; optative modality refers to wishes and intentions to do something; — “He wants to be here tomorrow”; deontic modality refers to seeking or imposing obligation and permission — “You must be here tomorrow”. (Crowley, Lynch, Siegel, & Piau, 1995, pp. 217–218).
Here is the short version
Epistemic — indicates a degree of uncertainty
Optative — indicates a wish or a hope
Deontic — expresses permission
Clear as mud?
Lets try some real examples —
“You should stop wearing singlets.” This is deontic. It expresses something that should or should not be done. It is something that the speaker is wanting changed immediately and so — it is controlling.
“Urghh, why are you driving this way! The other road is quicker. You should have gone the other way.” Again deontic. It is expressing an unspoken obligation to have driven in manner considered correct by the speaker. It is controlling.
“You should be a man and not talk to me about your problems.” Deontic. A desire for the listener to be something different from what they are. Controlling. Not nice.
“You should lose weight.” This could be deontic, or it could be optative, I hope you lose weight because it is bad for your health is optative. I am not overweight so it seems deontic. Also, it is not something that can be accomplished overnight so it is asking for a lifestyle change and is therefore controlling.
“You should go out with your friends.” Deontic? Or optative — a desire for your partner to go and do something that they enjoy?
“I am not staying unless you put a trash can in the bathrooms.” This is an ultimatum but it has the same function as ‘should.’ We all know that ultimatums have a negative effect on relationships — it is again deontic and therefore controlling.
But lets turn this around now. What about the following cases?
“You should not speak to me that way.” Deontic — yes. Controlling — yes but this is setting boundaries. If you read the little buddha article you may realise that this is also an ultimatum. But it was saying that this what I will accept and what I will not accept although there may be better ways of making this statement.
“You should believe me.” Deontic — maybe. Or is it expressing a hope that the other will take on board what is being said? Especially when it was providing answers to previously raised questions — something she wanted answers to — like secondary gain or unique identifiers. They were explained later by others and I got “you should have explained better” ;)
One further thought — ‘should’ plus ‘able to’
“You should be able to lend me that money.” Deontic — the speaker is deciding for me what my budget for the month is. Something that can be changed immediately and therefore controlling.
“You should be able to sleep better” — optative. Not something that can be changed immediately so can only be expressing a desire for something and in this case positive.
Anyway, back to the story now that we are all experts on the uses of the word ‘should.’
I should have been able to dismiss the issue with the words “I did not mean it that way.”
I should have been able to talk about this.
I should not have had to deal with a week of being ignored.
I should have been able to explain that with my education I knew what I was saying and did not mean it that way. I should not have been told that I should not use my education in an argument. I should have seen that as ironic and laughed but it wasn’t.
We should have been able to see the therapist and when it was re-explained by her, my ex-SO should have realized that she had over-reacted.
Ok — so homework time — I have used ‘should’ nine times above. Is it deontic. Optative? Controlling? Similar to the suggestions in the Little Buddha article? You decide.
So what is my point?
Yes, ‘should’ can be destructive. If ‘should’ is used to change your behaviour, both short term and long term (but in particular with something that you can change immediately) to what the other person wants without an altruistic motive — then it is most likely controlling. However, ‘should’ can also be optative (or epistemic which I have ignored for brevity). So if your SO uses it, clarify before you decide to react. We all misspeak at times. While we all should try to speak as clearly as possibly, sometimes we get it wrong. Language can be complicated — meanings and indeed levels of meaning - make communication difficult at times.
