The Year of Me

Dennett
Mariposa Magazine
Published in
2 min readJan 17, 2019

I cried through much of 2018 — the reasons detailed on Medium multiple times so I won’t go into them here. It was definitely not my year. I cheered it’s exit while not welcoming its replacement. I had no joy for 2019 and no hope for the months to come.

A week into the new year, my attitude changed.

I don’t know how or why. It just did. The sadness, disappointment, and resentment of 2018 disappeared like fog in the sun.

I now feel focused, creatively energized, and bold.

In spite of a long-held belief that I can never retire, I am now choosing to believe I can.

First, a slowdown with my work. Then, retirement in three or four years. This may not sound like such a bold move for a woman nearing 65 but, believe me, it is a giant step for workaholic, anxiety-ridden me.

Recently, I met with the senior partner of my largest client to put him on notice that I want to decrease my hours in his office by at least 50% by 2020. Next week, I plan to tell three other clients that this will be my last year working for them.

A third client is in retirement mode herself, allowing me to slowly decrease my hours as the close of her business nears. I will keep two other low-stress weekly clients for now, possibly indefinitely. If I were to stop working other places, these two would provide easy extra income.

Along with professional life changes, I embarked on personal ones. First with my daughter who has been a great source of confusion, disappointment, and distress. I am releasing all of that and accepting that I can not transform her attitude nor change her choices. My feelings are still valid and won’t disappear but I refuse to dwell on them any longer. I have moved her out of a big space in my head and into a tiny closet with a door that closes firmly.

While my daughter and grandchildren moved to another state in 2018, I entered the state of grief, spending months mourning the loss of the kids I helped raise, who lived with me most of their lives and who were my world. I am still sad and miss them desperately but 2019 is the year I take back my life as I celebrate the expansion of theirs.

2019 is the year I concentrate on me.

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Dennett
Mariposa Magazine

I was always a writer but lived in a bookkeeper’s body before I found Medium and broke free — well, almost. Working to work less and write more.