This Is How You Feel Good About Dating Again
Break the bad habits and embrace positivity.
Dating is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be an exciting way to meet new people, have a good time, and hopefully, fall in love.
But chances are you’ve been feeling pretty negative about dating lately. You feel like it’s a chore, or something akin to pushing a boulder up a hill
I agree, dating can be hard. Soul-crushing, even. But with small attitude changes, you can flip the script and go back to having fun again. I know, because it’s what I did.
If you actively date, you will experience tough times and heartbreaks, that’s unavoidable. But you don’t have to go into it thinking it will suck. You can turn dating from boring chore into an overwhelmingly positive experience.
This is how you feel good about dating again:
Stop wasting time on the wrong people
Hanging out with the wrong people makes everything two times more difficult. The wrong people are hard to talk to, difficult to relate, and can suck the very life force out of you.
Be selective of the people you spend time with
Stop spending time with people just because they’re there.
Stop playing a numbers game — both online and in real life. Dating isn’t about how many people you can get through until you find the right one. It isn’t about kissing a lot of frogs to get to your prince or princess.
Dating is about being respectful of your own time by being selective of the people you spend it with.
Some people you can tell won’t be a great match from the start, but you give them a chance anyway — stop. Start listening to your gut instead. Sure, you hope they’ll surprise you, but they won’t. And believing you have to knock them out of your list to get to the next one doesn’t help, either.
Go for quality over quantity.
Don’t be afraid to be alone — part I
When you dread spending an entire weekend by yourself, you end up spending your whole week trying to find someone — anyone — to fill that hole. And that’s when your standards go down the drain.
You’re not worried about long-term compatibility, all you want is someone to warm your bed for a night, but what works in the short term drains your energy and makes you feel twice as lonely in the long run.
So don’t be afraid of an empty Friday night. A Saturday evening watching Netflix by yourself can be all the fun you need when you enjoy your own company. Wake up on Sunday morning and cook brunch for one — enjoy the pancakes.
Don’t be afraid to hurt people
Don’t say yes yes to second date with someone you have nothing in common with just to spare their feelings. If there’s no spark, no sense of compatibility, don’t insist out of a sense of obligation — that’s exactly how you turn dating into a chore.
You’re afraid your honesty will cause them pain, so you keep your feelings to yourself. You think perhaps giving them a chance will help you warm up to them. A handful of dates is not enough to get to know someone, you have to give it time, you have to give them a fair chance — or so you think.
Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to end it before it even begins. Save yourself, and your date, precious time and energy. Telling someone, “Tt’s been nice meeting you, but I don’t think we’re a good match” is neither rude nor mean, it’s honest. It might hurt in the moment, but it definitely spares more pain in the long run.
Don’t let your expectations run the show
Don’t project what you want to see on the people you date. You want the next one to be your Prince Charming or Cinderella so badly, you overlook any indication that might not be the case.
You expect things to be perfect, so you project. You see things in people that aren’t there, and overlook the most obvious red flags. You cease living in reality and embark in a world molded by your expectations.
When reality doesn’t match your expectations, you’re heartbroken. You feel the pain twice as hard, and dating feels twenty times more difficult than it actually is. You’re not trying to figure out dating, you’re trying to make dating match your unreal expectations — and that’s never going to be a reality.
Manage your expectations going in and you’ll have a much easier time.
Don’t be afraid to be alone — part II
Stop worrying about the next 10, 20 years. Stop wondering if you’re going to die alone or not.
Be open to meet new people and have a good time instead of hunting for someone to be by your bedside when you’re dying.
People can tell you’re desperate, they can tell you’re ready to settle, and that to you, anyone will do. You’re so afraid of being alone that you get attached too soon, and lower your standards just so you can have someone by your side. If there’s a recipe for attracting insecure people with low self-esteem, this is it. Flip the script if you’d like to have better results.
Don’t be afraid to get hurt
You’ve experienced heartbreak, and you’re not ready to go there again, so you guard your heart.
You keep a safe distance from anyone who might hurt you, and actively make an effort not to “catch” feelings. You date, but as soon as it feels like someone’s getting to close, you push them away.
You expect heartbreak even before it happens, and that means you keep your shields raised at all times.
Dating won’t get any easier if you keep guarding your heart. Let it come out, show it to the world. Yes, you might get hurt, but the only way to experience love is to be open to it.
Know what you want
You might think you do, but you don’t.
The only thing you know is you don’t want to be alone, so you compromise on everything else. You let other people lead the way, and you find yourself following on their footsteps before you even figure out if you trust them to take you on the right path or not.
Don’t be a chameleon
Don’t mold yourself to whomever it is you’re dating.
Agreeableness is a great trait to have, but not to the point of losing your sense of self to become a copy of the person you’re with. No wonder you find dating to be so exhausting when you’re constantly shape-shifting to please the person you’re seeing.
Hold on to your standards
Stop compromising all the time, on everything.
Stop doing stuff that feels uncomfortable — or downright wrong — because your partner asked you to.
Not holding on to your standards is the easiest way to end up with someone who feels more like an energy drain than a partner. It’s the easiest way to feel you’re losing part of your soul to the dating world — because guess what? You are.
Stop dating because you think you have to
It doesn’t matter how tired you are, or how much your mind is set on other things. It doesn’t matter if your heart isn’t ready, or if you’re actually happy by yourself, you’re supposed to be dating, so you do.
You might be living through the perfect phase to be alone — and you don’t even recognize it.
Perhaps to you, work takes precedence. At least for now. You find yourself cancelling date plans to focus on a project — and you don’t even regret it. Working energizes you, and you don’t have a lot of mental space left for anything else, much less another human being, with a heart and feelings.
You date, but your heart is just not into it. Your heart is into your hobbies, into spending time with family and friends.
When you pursue dating despite not having your heart fully into it, it does become a chore, and that’s the worst mindset you can have.
Perhaps what you need right now is to be by yourself. Take a break from dating and enjoy your friends and family, not try to force something you don’t feel good about.
The right attitude changes everything
If dating feels like pulling teeth, take a step back and evaluate your attitude.
- If dating feels like a chore, take some time off to be alone.
- If your heart is not into it, enjoy what you genuinely love and embrace being happily single.
- Manage your expectations.
- Revise your standards, and learn how to uphold them.
- Don’t be afraid to break it off with people who don’t excite you, and who you have nothing in common with.
- Keep an open mind, and focus on getting to know new people instead of on the hunt for your Prince Charming or Cinderella.
Respect your time, your boundaries, and remember: if you’re not enjoying it, something’s not right — you have the power to fix it!