I Survived The 🦄 Frappuccino
…and barely lived to tell the tale. Seems that I unintentionally went through all 5 stages of grief in the span of just 45 minutes.
It all started with an innocent little post on Instagram. An impossibly colorful drink popped up on my feed. A drink, but also a…unicorn?
Didn’t matter — they used a unicorn emoji in the description (🦄), and that was enough for me. Silly mid April fools joke, Starbucks. LOL! How could a drink be potentially “life changing”? Not possible.
Stage 1: Denial
At first I didn’t think it was real. There’s just no way. A unicorn drink that changes it’s color AND flavor? Heck naw — and also, TBH, it sounds like cancer in a cup. Look at all those artificial colors and flavors swirling in there. Too many to count. I was in a state of denial, so I went hunting. On Instagram. Using hashtags. (#UnicornFrappuccino)
What I found shook me to my core. After the 15th post in a row of someones hand holding this pink and blue monstrosity, a wave of anger and frustration washed over me. It was real. And the ONLY reason why it exists is for people to post about it online. Starbucks created a viral sensation. Brilliant.
Bet it tastes like rainbows and diabetes.
Stage 2: Anger
“HOW DARE YOU STARBUCKS!” I quietly scream-whispered at my phone, teeth clenched in rage. I mean, I was genuinely impressed with their sugar-induced audacity, but furious at the same time. Can you be in awe and simultaneously boiling with rage? It’s possible, thanks in part to the friggin’ Unicorn Frappuccino.
So — being a good “health conscious” millennial — I did a quick Google search to find out the nutritional facts about the drink. Oh look! The Venti size only has 76g of sugar!
WAIT. 76 GRAMS OF SUGAR?!?
Men are only supposed to consume 35 grams total in an ENTIRE day. For women that number is even less, around 25 grams. A DAY.
I’d REALLY like to live until the Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. 2 release in a few weeks. I’ve already got my tickets! A drink with that much sugar puts that goal on blast. My chances of reaching May 5, 2017 drop significantly and I simply can’t take that risk.
The rage consumed me. I was shaking. I felt the cavities forming in my mouth as I swiped through post after post.
But out of nowhere, something weird happened. I kinda actually wanted to try it. I was falling into their trap. Does that make me a horrible person? Perhaps it does.
Stage 3: Bargaining
**Cutting to a live feed inside my brain**
Me, talking to myself: “Frank! Listen dude, maybe — just maybe, it’s actually good! There’s a chance, right? I mean it’s supposed to kinda taste like mango, or sweet tarts, or nothing at all so if you buy it and don’t like it you don’t have to actually drink it. You’re an adult! Use self control.”
Then I saw the Snapchat filter. It was fun. Ohh! Look at the unicorns! All of it seemed so harmless.
“It’s a one time thing Frank, you’ll be fine.” I told myself as I paced back and forth. “You always talk about going on adventures right? You’ll have fun, and it’ll look awesome on your Instagram feed.”
“Go for it” I told myself. So I went for it.
I opened the Starbucks app and nervously began looking for locations that offered Unicorn Frapp. Nearly every store was sold out, except for one. Nervous excitement crept into the places where fear and anger once resided. I called them to make sure they had the drink in stock. They did, but according to Courtney (my over-the-phone barista) they were quickly running out.
Stage 4: Depression
Then I threw my friggin’ phone on the ground. No joke. Good thing I have a high-quality case. I walked to the nearest mirror and starred into it. Deeply. “You’ve hit a new low, Frank” I said out loud, as a coworker awkwardly washed their hands next to me and silently stepped out of the bathroom. Did I not mention all of this happened at work? Should’ve mentioned that earlier.
I was full on ashamed of myself. A new low. I sulked back to my desk. Embarrassed and disgusted, I sat in silence for a good 5 minutes.
Stage 5: Acceptance
*Twenty minutes later*
I came to. I found myself standing in line at the nearest Starbucks ordering the drink I’d sworn off earlier that day. The barista looked at me weird when I ordered it. She was clearly tired of making it and literally asked me “are you sure?” But I was determined. I made up an excuse and said I was buying it for my wife. She called my bluff. I fessed up, and asked her to make sure it’s Instagram worthy. My exact words were “Make those sprinkles POP.”
She did.
Turns out, it’s actually pretty good. Glad I tried it.
Frank Danna is an award winning social content creator, the Content Director for Softway (a creative Agency in Houston), and the co-founder of GhostCodes, a discovery app for Snapchat. His work has been enjoyed by over 65 million people across Vine (RIP) Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat (FrankEDanna).
