How To Know If Your Partner Is Cheating on You
I feel her behaviour is questionable, but I am unsure what is going on with her; I asked her directly if she was cheating, and she said no.
We were having a lot of trouble and were seeing a marriage counsellor, and my main complaint was that she had never “paired up” with me — as a couple — she was her thing, and I was my thing. We argued over the tiniest stuff — she would pick a fight about everything.
And in all that time, I told the counsellor — it’s like breathing for her. She takes sides against me even when she knows I’m right.
I’ll make a schedule for the kids and she will tear it down and rebuild it — largely the same — but now she can claim it’s her idea and her handwriting.
She claimed to never take sides against me.
I gave more examples of this behaviour until the counsellor had heard enough.
A friend of mine is an investigator with an insurance firm, and he finds frauds and roots out their dastardly plans. He Makes pretty good money at it.
I talked with him about My partner, and he told me this
He told me not to ask “yes or no” questions until you get a “hit” on the open-ended ones.
But always ask open-ended questions.
I should watch her behaviour.
Does she fidget or watch the door?
Does she strange things they don’t normally do in a conversation like they are uncomfortable?
He told me if I asked her a yes-or-no question — I let her off easy. He gave me a couple of examples.
A week later, I had to stay late at work and wrap up some contracts, and when I got home, I was treated to the usual barrage of “Who else was there? who was the last one to leave before you?” Hmm — these were open-ended questions. No wonder I felt so naked.
So I asked her where she had been. I hit her with my first question — When was the last time you were intimate with a man besides me?
She stared at me. Silence. I mean, cut-it-with-a-knife silence.
She finally said, “Define intimate.”
Hmm — interesting answer
I gave a very broad definition without naming specific forms of sexual activity.
She said, “Does it include oral sex?”
I said — let me modify my original question — when was the last time you gave oral sex to a man besides me?
Her face contorted like her skull was about to explode.
After another deafening silence, I said — Who are you protecting?
There was a slight jolt as a reaction to the question.
She stared at me some more.
“Is he married?”
She jolted again, like stepping on a tack. Obviously, but she kept control.
I said — you said you would give me straightforward answers immediately, without hesitation.
More staring.
I said — are you afraid of incriminating yourself? (no response) — Or are you protecting his family?
She swallowed — and the look on her face was like she wanted this to be over — whether the conversation or the affair, I could not tell.
I said — Here’s what I think — you’re protecting him from me. You think I’ll confront him, maybe in front of his wife, and you don’t want that. You’re protecting him because you are more loyal to him than me.
Her eyes misted, and her lips quivered, like something was trying to get out but could not.
I said — you’re taking his side against me.
She slowly shook her head and brought both hands to her mouth. Little did I know — all this was an act. My investigator friend said a guilty person accused of infidelity might react in bitterness but not real anger.
They’ll fake the anger, but it will die after the conversation. An innocent person can’t manufacture the outrage of being falsely accused. It can last for days and sometimes much longer.
I said — last chance — tell me who is he-
No response — but when you think about it — she was screaming the answer at me without saying a word.
I told her — I won’t divorce you for cheating. But this — taking sides against me is alarming.
He must be pretty valuable for this kind of loyalty. You must love him.
She exploded into a rant. I listened to every word like a clinician. She ranted on and on until she was burned out.
Then I said — I need an answer to the question.
You have your answer! she says.
Repeat it for me, in case I missed something.
More staring.
I said — here’s the deal: I gave you plenty of chances to come clean, and you didn’t. We could never reconcile anything unless you gave up on these other men.
“other men” was just enough bait to get her talking, and she talked herself into a hole. She’s the type of person who can’t stand it when a narrative comes from my mouth — she always has to correct it. I inadvertently used this against her.
So I said — I’m divorcing you.
She jolted a lot harder this time.
I said — not because you cheated, but because you took sides with him against me, and this conversation was about our marriage. I know where your true loyalties lie.
Three days later, she came into the bedroom as I was leaving, spun me around, and unloaded this incredibly complex tale of how she met the guy, he was a random guy, etc.
I slow-clapped and told her it was a fine performance, but her chance to tell me the real truth was back when we discussed it because she would not have had enough time to fabricate a “tale”.
And it was a pretty elaborate tale. I took every part of it and dismantled it.
She’d never seen me do that before — I had always accepted her word for things.
I told her I’m still divorcing you. Remember — not for cheating, but for taking sides with him and not taking my side. We’re supposed to be side-by-side — but your loyalty and your heart belong to one another.
