First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage…Confessions from a Divorce Lawyer
Marriage compatibility. This important and noble goal brings to mind counseling, seminars, and workshops as ways in which to explore a couple’s long term potential. But first…there’s an app for that. Marriage Material is a hot new app that assesses the strengths and weaknesses in a couple’s relationship — measured through a series of quizzes that gauge compatibility based on several areas, including: finances, personality, intimacy, and friendship.
As any other trained lawyer might react, I was initially skeptical. Divorce attorneys are not typically known for their optimism or unfiltered confidence in the institution of marriage. I sat down and took these quizzes, mostly out of curiosity. Should I recommend this app to my friends, or even more directly, to clients seeking a prenup?
At the very least, this app highlights areas that may not come up in a couple’s relationship to the degree that they should. Countless times I have seen marriages dissolve based on a lack of similarity in values, goals, and desires.
It boggles my mind how so many partners have not discussed very important issues before saying “I do” and committing his or her self to another human being.
Whether it is the fact that one person is a spender vs. a saver (unbeknownst to the other spouse), one spouse’s lack of ambition, or just one’s overall distrust in the other spouse, areas of conflict are endless. Love is not blind. My personal and professional opinion is that whether it’s conscious or unconscious, people ignore and dismiss potential red flags because as humans we want love, comfort and acceptance.
In the throes of passion and love, it is easy to ignore potential conflicts.
I like Marriage Material because it brings these issues to the forefront in a non-confrontational and exploratory manner. This is a good thing!
Couples should discuss and know their compatibility. Believe it or not, this stuff is not all intuitive and unfortunately, without effective communication things don’t just “work themselves out.” This app provides a means by which one partner can take a series of short quizzes (anonymously) to get a compatibility percentage. The most important result is not one’s percentage score, but what one does with this information. It is this difficult step that is most important — to discuss the result and potentially problematic areas with one’s partner.
Effective communication is essential to a relationship. If one cannot communicate about potential conflicts when in a serious relationship or engaged, what exactly about the marriage label would change one’s communication patterns? Get out there and go out of your comfort zone. Whether it is installing this app or something else to get the conversation going, be sure that you communicate with your sweetie about your future compatibility.
It may just keep you out of the lawyer’s office years from now.
Jenny R. Jeltes is the Owner and Managing Attorney of Law Offices of J. Jeltes. Her primary areas of practice in family law include divorce, custody, parentage, child support, premarital agreements and adoption. www.jelteslaw.com.
