The Gravy Seals

The USA has a gun addiction and given the opportunity, Europe will too.

A few months ago I sampled a particularly nasty sausage.

Relax folks, we are talking about food, I am still a homosexual.

It was called “The Death Sausage 3.0”. A small butchery in Southern Denmark makes this particular nastiness. It contains pork, fat and an ungodly volume of Carolina Reaper peppers. It has the flavour of 3rd degree burns. I had a little bite and decided that I didn’t need to prove my mettle. This small impromptu tasting was held on a construction site and I was the only girl present and that is how this became interesting.

I had a small bite and politely declined any more. I only tried it because someone said that it was not hot at all, just a tad spicy and admittedly I like spicy. Unfortunately the someone in question was a lying sack of shit and that sausage was inedibly hot.

I know it was inedible because the Sack-O-crap who told me the sausage was merely spicy puked a burning fountain of pepper spray and pork chunks a few minutes later.

However I noted something interesting. All the dudes present insisted they had all eaten hotter food and this was merely spicy. Nothing serious, just a little pepper really.

They were all sweating like pigs and turning bright red.

It was like they were saying one thing and their heaving, sweating and gasping looks of panic were saying a lot more fight or flight from the death sausage.

I cannot overstate how awful and hot that sausage was!

What I had clearly witnessed was a good old fashioned “dick measuring contest”.

The problem with dick measuring contests is that no one actually gets to the brass tacks of the matter and measures actual penis. A great many lives and intestinal tracts would be saved if men would whip it out and take a tape measure to the meat. Unfortunately, this is not how it works.

The reason this is not how it works is because men are incapable of accurate measurement of penises. It may be little more than nerve endings and erectile tissue but when your self worth is kept safe within the confines of its corpus cavernosum, objectivity is replaced with the error of parallax.

Of course you are asking why are we discussing the masculine inability to segregate oneself from one’s noodle and how to correctly use a measuring stick. Well, we need to understand exactly why body armor, assault rifles and military jargon have become so popular in the United States of America.

When the war on terror kicked off, the messaging was that the “Judeo-Christian” west was fighting a noble war on “Islamic terror”. This is a false representation of the facts though. For one, the west is most certainly not “judeo-Christian”, Christianity is a westernised version of a middle east religion used as a justification for capitalist morality.

Secondly, “Islamic terror” is a misnomer and will remain so until we start calling white boys with assault rifles and spouting slurs “Christian Terror”. But we don’t call it “Christian Terror” because it’s only weirdo fundamentalists who resort to terrorism in the west, not whole religions…

The war on terror resulted in a flood of images of brave young men wearing shemaghs and “coyote” coloured everything fighting a low intensity war in far away places. Unlike the Vietnam war that showed countless images of traumatised local populations. This war was justified by the images of 9/11. This time, before you saw the traumatised populations, you saw airliners slamming into civilian buildings and the words “Islamic terror” dehumanising the traumatised population.

The result being the dehumanisation of anyone who was guilty of looking remotely like they could be a muslim.

The other big side effect of this was the elevation of western military personnel to the status of “Holy Knights”. Those jarheads and grunts were no longer drafted, reluctant men fighting an ideological proxy war. Now they were noble, brave knights fighting an eternal battle for our freedom against conniving, inhuman would be overlords.

They were Christian Warriors!

They were Christian Warriors looking dramatic in shemaghs, body armour, packin’ AR15 rifles and 50BMG sniper rifles.

They were Tacti-Cool Christian Warriors

Young men all around the world suddenly learnt that if you wanted to be cool, you wanted to be noticed as “The Man” you needed to start using military jargon, add military surplus to your wardrobe and get a gun. You didn’t need to climb mount everest (fuck thats dangerous) or be a rocket scientist working at the JPL (Fuck thats at least a Phd) or play in a prog rock band (Fuck thats a lot of skill man). You needed to buy a gun and a really big bandana, and tell your friends about the “false flag” attack the “spooks” at “Langley” had “perp’ed”. You just needed to dress and act like a Tom Clancy sex dream.

All you needed was a gun and some kevlar. The line between “noble warrior” and “infamous mass murderer” only being who you shot and how brown or queer they were.

Of course, with the shift in “Cool” from 90’s grunge chic to “swat team member”. Men stopped “compensating” with Porsches and switched to large capacity magazines and custom made assault rifle parts.

No longer was your dick measured in cubic inches, but in calibres.

Guns and Warriorhood have an inherent flaw though. Specifically when your idea of cool is two sides of the same gun toting coin. You actually need to use that gun at some point. Old timey gun nuts with wooden stocks on their guns went out and shot animals, they said they needed the meat. Today’s plastic stocked gun runts need to shoot people. When you paint everything khaki and tell people it’s cool to be packin’ heat. When you tell people your morality can be enforced with .223 bullets and point them at a minority who happen to be your idea of immoral. When you tell those SpecOps Cos-playing idiots that a real man protects his tribe, then show him the people who “hate” his tribe.

People who pose an existential threat to his tribe.

He is going to shoot them.

It doesn’t matter if that threat is real or not. It doesn’t matter if his tribe is a figment of his imagination. All that matters is he is a warrior, he has a distinct enemy and he has the means to harm that enemy.

He will be a “real man”, a “hard man” when he looks and acts like a soldier.

When he coldly kills like a soldier.

The Gun problem the USA has is not gun companies, it’s not the NRA or the military, it’s not even the guns themselves. It’s not disillusioned and lost young men.

It’s American society that has fetishised military service and the idea of being a “warrior” is the ultimate expression of masculinity.

We live in a time where Maynard James Keenan can be found on youtube shooting a massive rifle. This is the dude who wrote the immortal lines “Fuck all these gun-toting Hip gangster wannabes” in the 90’s.

The USA with its sick obsession with guns and war has successfully distilled all the ways men measure their dicks down to just one.

How big is your gun and how did you use it?

This is why you don’t see mass shooting women.

Not cis or trans, because women don’t base their self worth in how tough they think other people think they are.

We desperately need to bring back the swiss army knife and Macgyver as the ultimate idea of manliness, this current crop of gun oil junkies are going to kill us all.