Marvel Retold: X-Men, Part One
Professor Charles Xavier: Moira, I have this amazing mutant brain that lets me control the very minds of the populace.
Moira MacTaggert: Uh-huh.
Prof X: I have a large inheritance provided me by the deaths of my parents.
Moira: Right.
Prof X: And I have a huge mansion, empty but for myself and Viscount Squeak, my hamster.
Moira: … sure.
Prof X: I feel that I should be doing more with my time, but for the life of me, I can’t figure it out.
[a bat crashes in through the window]
Prof X: Good lord, Moira! That’s it! I shall become… a GLASSBLOWER!
Moira: …uh.
Prof X: …
Moira: [sips tea]
Prof X: Right, how about I just open a school for mutants instead?
Moira: Do… you have any experience teaching?
Prof X: Oh, sure. I’ve taught Viscount Squeak to sit up, to roll over, sing, etc.
Moira: No, I mean people.
Prof X: Squeak IS people, Moira. That’s hurtful to his self-esteem. He can probably hear you.
Moira: YOU’RE the greatest mutant mind on Earth? Och, this school’s finished before it’s begun. I mean HUMANS, Charles.
Prof X: No, I just SAID, it’s a school for MUTANTS. For a doctor, you’re not a good listener.
Moira: I’m not that KIND of — Charles. Have you taught HUMANOIDS before.
Prof X: Well, no, but honestly I can just put knowledge into people’s minds with my brain. It’s a gift. Hey, that’s what I’ll call the school! “Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters”!
Moira: I mean… it’s not a bad idea. There have to be hundreds of mutants out there who feel like they’re all alone… who feel like they’re freaks, and no one can help them.
Prof X: Right! I wish there had been someone to help me when I was learning to control my telepathy. Would have avoided a lot of trouble.
Moira: What do you mean?
Prof X: Let me just show you.
Moira: No, I hate it when you —
[images flow into Moira’s mind]
Young Charles Xavier: Hey, lookit me, I’m Chas X! I can walk, I gotta full head o’ hair, and I’m totally not a mutant! Life’s good, y’all!
[goes to the county fair]
YCX: Gosharootie, I don’t know what to do first! I really want a deep-fried Snickers bar…
Everyone in a thousand-foot radius: I REALLY WANT A DEEP-FRIED SNICKERS BAR
[the concession stand is mobbed, people gorge themselves upon deep-fried Snickers bars]
YCX: Dang, the line is terrible. Maybe I’ll get me some elephant ears instead.
Everyone: MAYBE I’LL GET ME SOME ELEPHANT EARS INSTEAD
[elephant ears cart is overturned; all edible matter rapidly consumed]
YCX: Jeezy creezy, what’s with the crowds today? Hell widdit, I’m’o guzzle some Pepsi-flavored Coke!
Everyone: IBID
[every soft drink in the area swiftly disappears into gullets]
YCX: Dagnabbit! FINE, I’ll just ride the craziest ride I can find!
Everyone: NOT IF I GET THERE FIRST
[every human climbs aboard the already-in-motion Human Cuisinart, massive injury count sustains, copious vomiting ensues]
YCX: … egad.
[Moira snaps out of it, visibly shaken]
Moira: I can never go to the fair again.
Prof X: If I can help just one young mutant from enduring the same fate I did, then it’s my duty to do so.
Moira: You didn’t endure anything! That whole thing was your fault!
Prof X: I paid $25 and didn’t get to ride or eat anything. You think I didn’t SUFFER?
Moira: Fine, open a school. At least it’ll keep you from destroying human lives. Presumably.
Prof X: The question is: how will I find them?
Moira: Didn’t you tell me once that you can sense the presence of other mutants?
Prof X: Yes, but my range is pretty limited. I have to be within about 50 feet to get a good fix.
Moira: So you need some kind of… mental amplifier. I bet Hank Pym could help with that, if you paid him.
Prof X: Hank who?
Moira: Scientist bloke I met once at a conference. He was doing some amazing work with insects, as I recall. He’d be happy to take a look; it’s hard for him to secure funding for playing with ants.
Prof X: Fantastic! Then all I need is a name for my new, mutant-seeking device. Hmm… something catchy… how do you go about finding things?
Moira: Well, I just ask Siri, bro.
Prof X: … SAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY
TO BE CONTINUED, TRUE BELIEVERS
