Marvel Retold: X-Men, Part Three
Jack Winters: Who let you in here, baldy?
Prof X: Your young ward, Scott, here.
Scott [frisking about]: Hi, Jack! You gonna take care of this guy, Jack? Huh? You gonna smack him around with your diamond hands, Jack? You gonna make him sorry, Jack? Huh? Huh? You gonna —
Jack: Shaddap, kid!
[Scott takes five across the eyes]
Scott [bouncing up off the floor]: Naaah, haha, you don’t wanna do that, Jack! That’s dumb! Hey, you want me to take care of him, Jack? Huh? You want me to laser him with my eyes, Jack? Huh? Huh? I can do it for you, Jack!
Jack [smacks him]: Naaaah!
Scott [getting back up after a slight pause]: Ha… haha, nah, you don’t want me to do that! That’s ridil — riddical — rrrrih…
Jack: Sound it out.
Scott: It’s ridiludicrous!
Jack [knocks Scott down again]: Close enough, kid.
Prof X: Stop that at once! Scott Summers needs your support, not your abuse!
Jack: Har! You should talk, G-man! You think I don’t know why you’re here? Tryna put ol’ Jacky away for seeing the TRUTH!
Prof X: And what truth is that, Mulder?
Jack: I don’t get that reference ’cause I don’t watch THE MAN’S television! I’m talkin’ ‘bout the crap you put in our FOOD! The non-puncture tire technology you’re KEEPIN’ from us! And don’t get me STARTED on COWS! But you ain’t takin’ ME down!
Prof X: I’m afraid it’s out of your hands, Mr. Winters.
[Xavier concentrates, gets a nosebleed]
Prof X: OW. I can’t… control your mind. And my mouth tastes like pennies.
Jack: Hah! Your government mind alien technology won’t work on me, idiot! I’m a MUTANT!
Prof X: Oh thank God, for a second I thought I wasn’t special anymore.
Jack: An’ I’ll tell YOU what’s outta my hands.
[Jack removes his gloves to reveal sparkling]
Jack: They don’t call me Jack o’ Diamonds fer nothin’.
Prof X [winces in pain]: Nobody calls you that.
Jack: Sh-shut up! They do too! In prison, they called me that all the time! ’Cause if they didn’t, I’d… HAND it to ‘em! Haha, nice, Jacky boy!
Scott [from the floor]: Haha, you’re the king, Jack!
Prof X: Hand what to them?
Jack: … My… hand.
Prof X [trying to recover]: I’m here for Scott, but clearly YOU need the help.
Jack: I got all the help I need in this kid here. He’s gonna take on The Man with me and nothing’ll stop us! Y’know why?
Prof X: Go ahead and expound; I’m still trying to jumpstart my brain.
Jack: See, my hands turned diamond blah blah isotopes witter witter show them all tweet tweet cyclotron yubyubyubyub take over the world. And Scotty here is just the guy to make it happen!
Scott: Yeah! Doing it! Surrogate father!
Jack: What?
Scott: Nothing, no, what?
Prof X: Okay, I finally got back my memories of rice. Listen, Jack, you might think that by exposing yourself to more radiation of the type that turned your hands to diamond that you’ll transform your entire body into diamond, but radiation doesn’t work that way.
Jack: Spider-Man. The Hulk. The friggin’ RADIOACTIVE MAN, fer crissakes.
Prof X: All right, you have me there. But you don’t need to do this. I have a school in which I’ll be teaching mutants how to use their powers. I think you’d benefit from attending alongside Scott. We could explore your abilities together!
Jack [pauses]: You mean it?
Prof X: I do! You don’t need to fight against a world that doesn’t understand you just because you’re different!
Jack: I don’t?
Prof X: That’s correct. Please, put your mad plans aside and let’s go back to my school, the three of us. What do you say?
Jack: I say… that’s just the kinda talk I’d expect from a The Man. Scotty: blast ‘im.
Scott: You got it, Jack!
Prof X: Mother of mercy… is this the end of Charles Xavier?
TO BE CONTINUED, TRUE BELIEVERS
