different

when i was a teenager
i’ve got weird wild dreams
like me walking in the middle
of the road
highway
dancing or performing
and the camera reels nearby
taking pictures of everything
that happens
and i would be half-naked
or half-dressed
reciting a poem
which i chose not to reveal to anyone
for fear they’d laugh at me
as always
saying
the shit doesn't make sense
or i should be thankful for
what i have already
and not for
“some grass is always greener on the side”
type of bulshit
and then
there were other dreams
like i fall from a 15-story building
or my sister falls down
and i am not there
to help
and even if im there
i cant help her
because she’s too heavy
she was always heavier than me
always taller
always better
always more creative
but whose creativity made sense
mine — never did
they said
don't waste your time
you're fine
just translate
your good at this
translating stuff
go learn interpretation
as though
you have nothing to say of your own
but —
translate minds that are already there
they said
you were so good
here’s your medal
but please
never speak your mind
it doesn't make sense
moreover
its laughable
we ubiquitously reject it
it’s wrecked
neglect
and simply awful
forget about it
just do your job
support your son
just be a good mom
for once,
will you?
who are you?
what do you say?
why do you even say that?
ridiculous
33 years old
and still the same shit in your brain
remember when you worked for kids
abandoned kids
abandoned for various reasons
what good it made for you?
you were depressed
because you helped
but never helped in any way
in the end
what good it made?
abandoned kids
are just like you
but better
because you’re not
abandoned
you have family
yet do they care?
like listen
do they actually care?
you disappeared from your family
for three whole years
did anyone call you?
ever?
just once?
never?
that’s what i thought
you know why?
because you’re
just
another piece
of human shit
undeserving
just like your mother said
you’re nobody
you’ll never amount to anything
because you know why?
because you are
different from the rest
inexplicably different
everyone tries to make sense of you
but everyone fails
they abandon you
halfway through
yet they do
they leave
because you’re so
so
so
beautifully
different