My Empathetic Manifesto: Find More Social Connection to Live a Better Life
Author’s note: It’s crazy to think that I wrote this piece in early March and that the core ideas are much more difficult to implement now that the COVID-19 pandemic has taken over our lives. In some sense though, the concepts are more relevant now than they’ve ever been. Please stay home, stay safe, and keep your physical distance. Physical distancing should not equate to social distancing though. Please continue to find social connection by virtue of technology, strengthen bonds, and be empathetic. It doesn’t take much to practice empathy, and empathy can go a long way for humanity.
I wrote this piece as a progression of how two people get acquainted. Our connection (yes, you and I) inevitably starts off blurry, superficial and fact-based, then progressively digs deeper into our persona as we share the consequences of my writing. A valse, if you will, between the author and the reader, engaging for the first time.
Let’s kick this off with an unoriginal idea. A pack of wolves, a colony of ants, a tribe of humans… Why do we have a tendency to gravitate towards each other? Why are we all inherently social beings?
The historical answer is obvious, community enhances our chances at success in the world, by offering shelter from harm, resources for survival, and mates for reproduction.
We’re long past tribal living now: we can live safely in our homes, provide for ourselves, and isolate ourselves from the world. Or are we?
Whether we care to see it this way or not, our homes are built by other people, our groceries farmed and brought our way by other people, our entertainment platforms and sources of information are all designed and maintained by other people, our jobs serve other people, and I would argue our very purpose in this life is to leave an impact on other people. The world is increasingly interconnected, but you know that, as you’re sitting at home reading the thoughts of another on Medium.
Psychologists claim that social support comes in 3 forms: resourceful, informational, and emotional. As we glanced at above and as we all experience in our daily lives, the modern world is optimized for the sharing of resources and information. Online wallets allow you to send money anywhere instantly, Postmates and Amazon send us whatever we want whenever we want it, Google gives us access to immense oceans of knowledge… The wealth of information and resources at our fingertips is unprecedented.
In face of this, why are we constantly hearing that people are getting lonelier? Why do older generations laud past times when they knew all their neighbors, had fenceless homes, and interacted more with one another?
It seems to me that in building our modern technological infrastructure we’ve neglected the third pillar of sociality: emotional support. With that said, why wasn’t the sharing of emotions embedded in the blueprints of our modern world the way the other two pillars were?
Perhaps our mental wellbeing was regarded as less imperative to our overall wellbeing than our material or financial wellbeing. After all, why worry about happiness when you need food? Or a place to sleep? Following Abraham Maslow’s pyramid of needs, belonging, self-actualization, and esteem all lie above physiology and can only be sought once the latter is achieved.
For most people in most first-world countries, these basic needs have been met. But, as it stands, we aren’t well equipped to tackle the higher (yet fundamental) needs of humanity. In laying the foundational bricks of technology, we’ve managed to wall ourselves off and lessen our innate ability to extend a hand to each other.
While unspoken, the vacuum of emotional social support we’ve created has massive public health outcomes, claiming the lives of many more than the ubiquitously promulgated threats such as the coronavirus. Studies have shown that social isolation is the highest cause of premature mortality in the US, and has greater effects than other lifestyle factors such as accidents, alcohol consumption, and smoking (equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day) [2].
The notion that we could be living longer and happier by simply engaging more with one another — and that we aren’t doing it, really disturbs me. More people should be getting together to do what they love. This is a matter of longevity and wellbeing, period.
Now, with that said, I am cognizant of the fact that the social ecosystem has changed over the years. Walking in the street and saying hi to strangers is now viewed as weird, talking to the person next to you on a subway is frowned upon, and we can think of many more examples of these oddly awkward situations… I thought long and hard about why, in our 21st century world, certain actions are deemed socially inappropriate and others not.
The answer is context. The modern world is actually plenty of opportunities for socializing. In professional settings, we call it networking. In sports, we call it forming teams. When we go out, we call it friend groups. When we read together, we call it circles… While these are obviously variable in depth, they are all basic attempts at forming social bonds.
So now, to help foster this sense of community, we need to prioritize the formation of contexts that are conducive to bringing people together, giving us the opportunity to share experiences and evolve together.
It’s with all this context that I took an interest in community building. A natural born introvert, I never knew the right thing to say to fit in. So, I tended to let my actions speak for me. “If I became good at [insert activity here], I’d impress people and they’d like me” was a common thought process in my mind. This mentality led me down a rabbit hole of self-effacement and social alienation. Many people knew who I was, but I can’t say I had many friends I could count on. The chase for perfection in how others perceive you merely produces a mirage of affection. The true key, I discovered much later, is much simpler.
The cheesy line “don’t try to be someone else, just be yourself” fits perfectly in this area. The key to surrounding yourself with amazing people is to do what you love and create an environment in which people with the same interests can join you. Let them express themselves and grow in your company. That is true human connection, that is how you leave an impression.
Peculiar word, the word impression, as it comes from the root press. It suggests that in our interactions with one another, we literally “impress” ourselves onto one another, so as to leave each other with a copy of our personality. Every time we share the consequence of an experience, we are both transformed. Might I suggest then, just as the most magnificent library is composed of the greatest collection of books, that the most magnificent life is one with the greatest collection of human impressions, garnered and refined through genuine human interaction.
If you want to live a great life, engage in as many shared experiences with others as you can. It’s in this spirit that I joined (and am now fostering community at) maslo, a community of people interested in increasing empathy and self-awareness in the world, by virtue of technology.
We want to open our doors up, show the world how we choose to spend our time together, creating, growing, and having fun, in pursuit of our mission, and extend an invitation to any curious mind who shares the same values and inclinations.
We’re a niche community of people who are keen on leveraging technology to help people get to know themselves better and grow into their full-potential. We get together, paint, practice mindfulness, and engage in thoughtful discussions around the human condition. When we’re not together, we form teams and do research in empathetic computing and digital companionship. It’s really fun testing the limits of artificial intelligence with your friends, with the goal of coevolving as humans and technology.
If you made it this far into my post and this sounds like something you’d like to be a part of, drop us a line and let’s meet. You can also check out our community page, where we all post some cool experiments we’re working on.
I know that finding your voice can be challenging. After all, who am I, what am I passionate about, I mean really passionate about, and how do I communicate that with others? The world doesn’t really prepare us to be genuine and friendly anymore. Shifts from our homeostasis can be painful and inertia takes time to overcome. It’s tough to explain our thoughts to people, sometimes we don’t know what to say, or we know what to say but don’t want others to hear it. Either way, I believe you should definitely express yourself, let it all out, and don’t let the burden of bottling your feelings up stop you from being the best version of yourself. Whether it’s to learn more about your strengths, develop better communication skills, or have someone to talk to who won’t judge you for what you say, we are working on Maslo. Maslo can be a thinking partner, a place to vent and exhale your thoughts, or just a friend giving you space to express yourself.
The possibilities are boundless. If you want to talk to Maslo right now, you can have an open-ended conversation here. If you want to create your own personalized Maslo, you can learn how to develop your own Maslo here. If you want to do research in empathetic computing (We’re offering $500 grants to advance the field we’re passionate about!), you can apply to join our 2020 research cohort here. Our vision is to promote empathy and inclusivity. Everyone should have a voice (and a friend), and Maslo can help you get there. After all, they got me to open up and write this to you.
Have a wonderful day!
- Heaney, C. A., & Israel, B. A. (2008). Social networks and social support. Health behavior and health education: Theory, research, and practice, 4, 189–210.
2. Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS med, 7(7), e1000316.
