Express Acceptance, Not Validation
Judging
Validation is a judging expression. It means something is right or wrong, good or bad, worthy or shameful.
For someone who grew up in a highly judgmental society, it’s likely that they only know the judging language. Every word they speak is for validating or invalidating something. Even in situations where judgment isn’t necessary, they don’t know how to speak otherwise. Their words are as sharp as knives, making it difficult to get close to others.
Example 1: Hypocrisy
When someone we care about makes an effort to express something, it’s common to feel the urge to give feedback. Sometimes, we don’t have a strong opinion about their expression, but we don’t want to make them feel bad. So, we invent words to praise them, and then feel bad for being inauthentic to our own selves.
It’s funny because if we say nothing, it implies rejection or invalidation. But if we speak, we’re limited to validating or invalidating. We’re forced to hurt ourselves or others, which we never want. This often leads us to avoid social situations to minimize these uncomfortable encounters.
Example 2: Conditional Relationships
When someone does something good for us, we feel the urge to show appreciation. But since we only know the language of validation, we praise them, make them feel worthy, and tell them what they did was “right.”
This is dangerous, especially if we’re in a position that influences their sense of self-worth (e.g., parents, teachers, close friends). They may feel obligated to keep doing that thing. We unintentionally tie their self-worth to maintaining the relationship’s conditions, creating instability if those conditions can’t always be met.
Example 3: Disrespect
When someone hurts us and we say something to invalidate their actions or self-worth, we never feel satisfied. We experience cognitive dissonance between protecting our needs and maintaining our compassionate identity. We dislike the version of ourselves that disrespects others but also hate being people-pleasers who can’t protect our own needs.
Acknowledging
These are examples of struggles faced by highly judgmental people due to the lack of literacy in “Acceptance.” They don’t know how to think and feel beyond the judging plane.
Similar to good-bad on the judging plane, acceptance-awareness is another dimension of thinking and feeling. These are expressions of acknowledgment without, or with minimal, implications of worth and shame.
Respect
When someone hurts you, you want them to acknowledge it, but you lack the vocabulary to express this. You end up speaking the language of invalidation. Instead of conveying your need for acknowledgment, you attack the other party’s self-worth. As a result, They never acknowledge anything, and you feel ashamed and confused for acting against your compassionate nature. If only you know the language of acceptance, you could say something like:
“I understand that you have your situation, and I am willing to hear more about it if you want me to acknowledge. But I feel some difficulty in my mind that need you to hear about how I am hurt by your actions. Can we have some time to exchange our acknowledgement and awareness when we both are ready? We don’t need to talk about solutions yet.”
Reciprocity
When someone does something good for you, you want to acknowledge their actions and show appreciation to maintain your identity of contentment. You want to express your readiness for reciprocity and establish a long-term bond. In other words, you want to say something like:
“Despite you have no responsibility or obligation, you made an effort to help me. This makes me feel very grateful. Without your help, I would have struggled with this problem for a long time. I hope this strengthens our friendship. Don’t hesitate to let me know if you need my help in future, I would be very happy to return the favor”
Authenticity
When someone makes a significant effort to express something, but you feel neutral and have no strong opinion, you just want to acknowledge their effort:
“Thank you about your …, it is not easy and it shows how much you put your effort into it. This can be useful for me and others in future in the situation such as …”
Conclusion
In a world where judgment is the default, we often say things we don’t truly mean, and sometimes we don’t even know what we genuinely want to express. This limitation in language creates a wall to understanding and communicating our true needs, leading to misunderstandings with others and cognitive dissonance within ourselves.
