Minefield
I’ve been taking a brief hiatus, unplanned of course, from putting my thoughts to paper. They’ve just been mulling around in my chaotic mind, consuming my spirit like ravenous dogs, starving for any sign of life. I don’t mind this sometimes. It’s how I’ve always operated. Thinking deeply, feeling deeply, my psyche so deep that nothing seems to be able to escape it. I don’t know how this happened or why, all I know is that I’m beholden to these patterns and simply try to make the best of it from one day to the next.
They’ve just been mulling around in my chaotic mind, consuming my spirit like ravenous dogs, hungry for any sign of life.
They say some people are like the Dead Sea. Quiet and reserved, pensive to the point of self-destruction. I know this about myself. Most others know it, too. My husband knows this best of all. I want to be more forthcoming about my needs, honest, transparent; I want to be my own advocate when nobody else is up for the job. It’s just that I get so tired of begging for someone to notice that I’m tearing at the seams. It’s only a matter of time before what’s left of me spills out onto my un-mopped kitchen floor.
I love my life. I love my husband. I love my baby. I love my home. But I don’t always love the way I feel about these things.
It’s becoming so treacherous to navigate the pitfalls and impossible to make it out unscathed. This, too, shall pass. Isn’t that what they always say? I repeat it like a war song until my head stops spinning. Light another cigarette to spark dying embers within, steeping to maximum strength like the mug between my trembling hands. This will be enough for now. I feel alive again. And then the next explosion. Bracing myself for the blast. Anger, sadness, loneliness, frustration, polluting the air like bits of shrapnel.
This, too, shall pass. Isn’t that what they always say?
Nobody warned me about this. That motherhood and marriage can be such deadly forces. It’ll be hard sometimes, they’d said — well, sure — but they never said these things would break my spirit. Yet somehow they have the power to wash away iniquities and fulfill my heart’s desires in an instant. It doesn’t seem fair. But all’s fair in love and war, I suppose.
