How to feel
Looking back on my first year as a feeling designer
* This personal essay was written in December, 2019 and first published at The Seers’ Catalogue in February 2020.
2019 has been quite an emotional year for me. In some ways, this project reflects parts of that journey. I had the idea of Feeling of the Month Club for quite some time before I started a pilot version in Spring 2019 and an official launch in the Fall. The story of finally doing it is a story of letting the naive and bold part of me say, “Just do it and see what happens,” and letting the hesitant part of me take baby steps. Now that I have made and distributed ten “feelings,” this struggle of striking a balance between perfection and imperfection has come to repeat itself on a monthly basis. Sometimes the feelings seem to take on a life of their own, so much so that at times I feel I need to just let the feelings be.
In conversations about this project, one of the questions that comes up a lot is “What made you start Feeling of the Month Club?” And I want to know too. Even when I search myself, I’m sometimes left with a mysterious fog that seems to shrug at me.
One thing I do know with certainty, which is as mysterious as the unknown, is that Feeling of the Month Club by far reveals more about who I am compared with my other projects. I feel exposed when I show this project to people, as if they can now see vulnerable parts of me.
Lately I’ve come to think that what compels me to make this project are the contradictions that reside in me and shape my thoughts. I can be both rational and emotional. At times, I shut out my feelings with layers of mental distractions; at other times, I’m heroically open to feelings, even hurtful ones.
My curiosity about and struggle with emotions make it necessary and urgent for me to do something about them. The therapeutic aspect, which many people told me they felt from this project, perhaps is less about me trying to heal others’ wounds, and more about attending to my own and wanting to share intimate explorations of feelings with whoever is drawn to participate.
Another tension that plays an important role in this project is one between usefulness and uselessness. The pragmatism rooted in Chinese culture (which I grew up in), my 6-year design education, and some deeply rooted insecurities promote a desire to prove the value of my work. Meanwhile, I’ve always been gripped by things that don’t seem to serve any functional purpose, things that exist simply for a potential feeling, things that claim the charms of their uselessness, almost as a gesture of rebellion, like one of Bruno Munari’s Useless Machines.
In a way, the feelings I make are demonstrations of a rebellious spirit, the pursuit of poetic uselessness, and open invitations for vulnerability. They don’t follow any particular formula; nor do they have obvious connections with each other. Each of them stands on its own feet and reflects a potential feeling at a moment in time. They are like weirdly shaped bottles waiting to be filled, or entries in a diary linked by the inevitability of time passing.
The only commonality across all the feelings is the component of instructions, straightforward steps leading users towards enigmatic emotional states. They are unreliable recipes for feelings and everyone takes away a unique result.
Looking through the 10 feelings I’ve created so far (which are listed below) I see that they are part of my ongoing effort to figure out how I feel.
Feeling #1: To Dream List
Looking at my to-do list one day, I wonder if we could bring a similar kind of rigor and dedication to things to dream, versus things to do. Wouldn’t it be nice to be a proud dreamer? To dream big and small.
Feeling #2: Good Feeling Jar
What if we collect good feelings each day just like we collect coins in a jar and let them accumulate?
It can be an emotional rainy-day fund that we draw on when feeling blue.
Feeling #3: In Memory of…
Endings and losses are hard for me. A lot of times I don’t know how to say goodbye. It moves me deeply when I think about the Chinese ritual of wearing a black cloth when a loved one passes away. I want to transform this beautiful sadness into something different — a collage of fabrics that recollects joyful memories.
Feeling #4: Lock
This feeling goes like this: “Imagine you are a lock. Draw a picture of that lock. Tell me what would make it open up.” It’s still a question I want to ask: what would make you open up?
Feeling #5: No
It often gives me anxiety to say no. This feeling grew out of an aspiration to be stronger, more assertive, and strong-willed.
It guides subscribers to take inventories of different types of nos and reflect on what they’d like to say no to.
Feeling #6: Imperfection
Inspired by Wabi-sabi, a Japanese aesthetic, I created this feeling as a reminder of the beauty of things imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete. What does it mean to be imperfect and (truly) okay with it?
Feeling #7: Lifelines
From time to time, I think a lot about philosophical questions, which is reflected in this feeling. Consisting of difficult and good questions, as well as bright colors and irregular shapes, this feeling traces our past and future, and pieces together truths about who we are.
Feeling #8: The Loving Self
“What’s the most loving thing I can do right now for myself? For this relationship? For this community?”
This simple quotation always reminds me to be caring to myself and others. This feeling invites subscribers to cut a shape that represents a difficult emotion and write down ways in which they could care for it.
Feeling #9: Fictional Memories
Combining the formats of concrete poetry and Mad Libs, I want to create visual pieces made of words and lines. This feeling allows subscribers to become a poet by filling in the blanks to construct fictional memories. In the process, subscribers can recall real memories that have been hidden all along.
Feeling #10: Now
January is a typical month for new year resolutions, yet I find myself thinking a lot about chance, the unpredictable, and the here and now. This feeling asks you to play with spaghetti sticks and reflect on the past, present and future simultaneously. How does the Now feel?
Feeling of the Month Club is an experimental subscription service that delivers emotional exercises by mail. Each issue opens up a space in time for people to discover and reflect on how they feel deeply, something that is often ambiguous or hazy, using exercises that are explicit and tangible.
Subscribe at https://www.feelingofthemonth.com/subscribe.
