A Woman at Work Refuses to Wash Her Hands. Should I Throw Up?
By Gabe Delahaye and Jane Marie
Illustration by Lale Westvind
Dear Gabe and Jane:
I work in an office with a lady who never, ever washes her hands after using the bathroom. She does not even pretend to go through the motions of doing so when others are in the bathroom at the same time; she simply emerges from the stall and watches as you, the normal person, wash your hands — and chats and stands with one hand on the door handle, poised to depart.
We are a small office with many shared spaces and surfaces: refrigerator, coffee machine, etc. What makes this particularly odd is how exacting and correct this lady is in all other respects. She is an impeccable dresser; is polite and courteous (apart from subjecting all her coworkers to poop germs); and is the picture of professionalism in all other dealings.
This situation is openly known and occasionally whispered about among all the women in the office, but it is such a personal thing to reproach someone for their hygiene habits that no one has directly done so. In our old office (we recently moved) some hopeful soul affixed to the bathroom mirror information about the importance of careful hand-washing, but this lady evidently did not believe it applied to her and simply carried on as before.
Since our move to a smaller office last year — which only has one bathroom, so I cannot avoid being faced with this at least a couple of times a week — I find myself getting angrier and angrier about her lack of hand-washing, increasingly seeing it as an act of aggression. I should also mention that I am on friendly terms with this woman, although we do not hang out socially.
What is to be done? Do I need to just bite the bullet and tell her to wash her fucking hands already? And why should it be me, when this affects everyone in our office? Ahhhhh! Any advice cheerfully accepted. Thank you! — Creeped Out in Cleveland
Gross! Yuck. Yuck yuck yuck. What a foul disgusting person. Did you try punching her in the face on her way out of the bathroom? Just kidding; don’t touch her.
Sure, you can start by “biting the bullet” and approaching her, why not? I’ll tell you why not: she’s weird. No telling what she’ll do or say. You could also try the awesomely passive-aggressive mean-girl move of leaving a giant Costco-sized bottle of Purel on her desk, LOL. But no, how about heading directly to management and telling them this is a public health issue and they need to reign her in or fire her? You can ask for that, did you know? If anyone is threatening the safety of the entire office, and she is with her blatant disregard for the ferocity of E. Coli, you have a right to complain to higher ups. Since “multiple people” are obviously bothered, you could all walk into HR together and really drive the point home.
Wait, do guys wash their hands after they use the bathroom? Do they notice if someone else doesn’t? I’m actually afraid of the answer. That’s why you’re always sick, isn’t it, Gabe?
I used to work in an office with cubicles, which provide you with visual blinders to keep you focused on your spreadsheets but they do nothing to contain sounds (or smells), and this one guy who I already did not like very much used to clip his nails in his cubicle. Regularly! We nicknamed him Clip, but that was cold comfort.
Being around other people is always complicated. Belief systems, taste preferences, and even hygienic practices rarely align. What makes it even more problematic in a work place is that it feels like it’s being forced upon you. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you can gently try and nudge them towards a compromise, or you can leave them. If you have a friend who’s driving you nuts, same deal. But at work, you need that paycheck, and you’re rarely in a position of power, and so there is an awful lot of swallowing indignities.
In the case of Clip, my friend Scott took him aside and just straight up told him that everyone could hear him and that it was gross. Scott’s argument to him was that if he didn’t realize he was doing something that bothered everyone, he would want someone to tell him so that he could fix it rather than being endlessly talked about behind his back. To be completely honest, I don’t remember if it actually worked. Clip probably kept on clipping his nails at his desk and openly reading Neil Strauss’s The Game in the office cafeteria to learn how to pick up women by insulting them. That guy was the worst!
You didn’t answer my question, Gabe. So I asked my husband, and it turns out that yep, men are just as disgusting as I assumed. Apparently you guys “forget” to wash your hands after touching your dicks all the time. (My husband not included; he’s the only good one.) What are you even thinking? Your dicks are right next to the grossest part of your body (of which I am a fan, but that is a topic for another piece of great advice). Just because you technically RUN THE ENTIRE PLANET that doesn’t mean that you are lords over germs and women alike. Get real.
And that would be that as far as our advice goes, but the other day Creeped Out in Cleveland sent us a delightfully icky follow-up email:
I wrote to you several days ago imploring you for advice on how to handle a colleague who never washes her hands.
Since that time, I have learned from another colleague that multiple people have already approached her about this, and that her response has consistently been that her mother “taught her how to wipe properly” and that she “doesn’t touch herself” — hence, no need for hand-washing! Perfect!
Clearly this is not someone who is going to respond to logic, so screw it. I mean, none of us have died of dysentery yet, so whatever. We’ll just continue to go about our office life and try to forget that all our shared surfaces are teeming with this lady’s bathroom germs. And hell, my little dog sleeps under the sheets with me, so perhaps I better just shut up and worry about my own damn self.
Thanks anyway!
Okay, I called her “weird” before and now I’m going to add an “o” to that. What a weirdo! I’m worried that maybe this person is, like, hmm… Gabe, I need some advice on how to phrase this. Off? Let’s just say she’s a bit off. And maybe she could argue that she can’t be fired for being off, but I’d give it a go anyway: Get her fired.
On the other hand, if you think your puppy is as gross as butt germs all over the office, maybe you don’t really care that much and you could just drop it? Gabe, you have a dog. Is Birdie the same as Clip and The Weirdo?
Your epic rant against all men would hold a lot more water if the question we were answering wasn’t straight up about a woman who refuses to wash her hands after taking a dump even when confronted. I’m not saying that men aren’t disgusting, they are very, very disgusting, but, like, everyone is so disgusting. Handwashing is the poo-stained tip of the garbage iceberg that is all people. You know those scenes in period movies about Ellis Island and the Five Points or whatever when they show poor immigrants being carelessly deloused with buckets of lye? I feel like the only thing that is sad about that is that they weren’t doing it to everyone all of the time.
This woman is obviously completely bonkers. There is nothing worse than a grown adult explaining their unusual behavior with “mother taught me best.” These situations are always confusing to me because even if her mother DID teach her best, like even if her mother gave a TED Talk on how to wipe properly and it had 17 million views and Mark Zuckerberg made her the Hygiene Czar of Facebook’s campus or something, human beings are still social animals, and it’s always in your favor to play nice with others. If everyone is telling you that you should adhere to social norms, at the very least you might want to give it some serious consideration.
But yeah, I think Jane is right, I would report her to HR. Although I don’t know about working hard to get her fired. Do you need that on your conscience? A simple, formal complaint should suffice. And why does her dog sleep UNDER the sheets with her? We are all just trying to live our truest lives, I’m sure, but under the sheets is a bit much.
Conscience, shmonscience, Gabe. The fact that you can get people fired is a privilege. Take advantage of it.
Okay, confession time: Since receiving this letter it has dawned on me that I don’t wash my hands after changing my kids diaper, not every single time anyway. After a blow-out? You bet. If I touch some poop? Absolutely. But then a lot of times I just change her diaper and go back to making her dinner. IT IS CALLED BEING A LOVING MOTHER.
I don’t know what that has to do with this other than to say: I am also a part of this garbage iceberg, but if anyone in my house complained, there is no possible way I’d get defensive. I’d be like “OOPS! I forgot five-hundred times, but the next time I will totally wash my hands.”
Jane, I have eaten dinner at your house. This is a true breach of confidence. Lord only knows what other secrets you are hiding from your guests. We might as well be eating diapers, apparently!
People who live in glass houses (or glass apartments) shouldn’t throw stones — and actually, people should just chill with the stone-throwing altogether. It’s hard enough getting through life without having to duck all these stones being constantly thrown. What I’m saying is: everyone has moments of weakness, and/or blind spots, and/or lapses in judgement. One person’s refusal to wash their hands is another person’s drinking milk out of the carton. One person’s dog sleeping under the covers is another person’s public nail-clipping in their cubicle. Be gentle. Treat people the way you would like to be treated.
And then report them to HR. The lady’s gross.
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