By Gabe Delahaye and Jane Marie
Illustration by Lindsay Mound
I was recently invited—by a beautifully designed email invitation—to a “homos only” party. The invitation specified that only gay men were invited to attend. Attendees could bring guests…as long as those guests were gay men. In all my 29 years of being gay, I’ve never been invited to something that excludes everyone except for other gay men. I feel kind of weird about this but I’m not sure why. Should I still go? Should I be annoyed by something so, well, annoying? And more important, can I feel annoyed and still go? —Anonymous
What you’re experiencing here is called “cognitive dissonance.” According to Wikipedia, it is “the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas or values at the same time…” You hate the idea of this party, but you know it’s gonna be a good fuckin’ party, man! Cognitive dissonance. Read a book about it.
Here’s what I would do if I were you: I’d go to the party and walk right up to the person whose stupid idea it was and be like, “The fuck, dude? Kinda lame theme for a party,” and I’d rib him and we’d laugh, but really I’d be laughing at him. I’m sure Gabe is going to tell you to take some moral high ground that I can’t even imagine, though. Gabe?
I’m not sure there’s any moral high ground to take when it comes to going or not going to a party, because it just doesn’t matter. The political statement you can make by going or not going to a party is equivalent to a farmer deciding whether or not to be vegetarian as it pertains to eating his own animals. Nobody’s going to notice and it will have zero effect on the world, so you should definitely just do whatever makes you feel better. That’s the nice part about being an adult: It is up to you! Do you want to go? Then go! Do you not want to go? Don’t go! That’s the basic idea.
The annoyance referred to in this question seems to be the real issue. You claim not to know why you’re annoyed, but I have a guess: Maybe, as a member of a socially demonized minority, you find it awkward to participate in the exclusion of others? That is totally thoughtful of you! And unnecessary in my opinion. We should all strive to live in a world that is more tolerant, accepting, loving, and co-mingled, but that doesn’t mean ANY exception results in social harm. I’m a founding member of a sporadic dinner club called the Steak Boys where we go to different steak houses and eat steak. It’s called Steak Boys because of the steak, but also because it’s MEN ONLY. As much as I love my girlfriend and my platonic female friends, in this instance I don’t want them there. It can be fun to be in the exclusive company of men. Women have been known to enjoy the exclusive company of women from time to time as well. (Jane, for example, runs a Ladies Only Book Club. See also: Angie Martinez’s, Lil Kim’s, Left Eye’s, Da Brat’s & Missy Elliott’s song “Ladies Night.”) There are obviously situations where exclusion is painful and aggressive and damaging and cruel, but I’m not convinced this is one of them.
As you know, Gabe, I FUCKING HATE STEAK BOYS. I am super mad about Steak Boys, madder than you even know. My heart is actually racing just thinking about it. Every time you people post a picture on Instagram of your be-penised selves sitting around a table full of bloody steak, I write Instagram an email about, “How come there’s no ‘hate’ button?” But really I’m just jealous. Tonight I’m going to wish upon a star that someday I’ll become a real Steak Boy.
On the other hand: My vaginas-only book club is crucial. It’s where we talk the most shit about Steak Boys. It’s a safe space for hating dudes because, let’s admit it, you’re the worst. Maybe that’s all this host wanted to create, a place to trash talk heteros? Who knows.
Honestly, now all I’m thinking about, besides stupid Steak Boys, is who custom-designs an email invitation? Don’t they know about Paperless Post?
I agree with you that dudes are the worst, especially heteronormative white dudes. We don’t have to get into all of that, because it is literally The Problem, but I do think the result of how bad they (we) are is how things like “homos only” parties are born. That’s why I don’t think this guy should be so bothered by the laser-specific purpose of this party.
Up until not that long ago, and still to this day in some parts of the country and many parts of the world, it was straight-up NOT SAFE to be a gay man, so creating a place that is both totally safe and even celebratory seems fairly legitimate. That doesn’t mean that as a gay man you have to participate, obviously, or even like it, but you can at least understand what’s going on there and why it is probably pretty reasonable. Again, we could define the very existence of women-only book clubs and homos-only parties as a clear reaction to the oppressive and constant reality that straight white dudes impose on everyone else, but that’s a much bigger issue, and I doubt we can solve it here. (And I will acknowledge that as a straight white man I am in permanent danger of coming off as authoritative and condescending regarding issues about which I know the least, but such is the unspeakable burden of the straight white male internet advice column writer.)
Maybe this guy just doesn’t like his friends. Have we considered that? Also: We had our annual Christmas Steak Boys last week, Jane, and carolers in full Dickensian costume came around to all of the tables and they would sing WHATEVER YOU WANTED!
Annual!? Ugh.
I think you’re missing the point. All I’m trying to say is that as an adult, you can organize your life according to your own, personally selected value system. Don’t go to “homos only” parties that annoy you, for example. Never eat steak without at least one woman present. Only read books as a pretext for talking shit about other people. It is completely up to you. Being a grown-up is annoying, but it is also the best!
More Great Advice from Gabe and Jane:
Need some great advice? Want to feel slightly better about the not-great thing you’re probably going to do anyway? Send your questions to Gabe and Jane, at matteradvice@medium.com.
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