Should we ban sports? No, no, we most certainly should NOT ban sports.

Think about what you are suggesting. Consider the gravity of what you propose. Don’t you have the slightest clue of what such a radical approach would do to society at-large?! Have you no realistic conception of what sports mean to the common man?! Are you insane?!

Forget, for just a moment, about the endless cornucopia of delicious scandals served up by the $10 billion industry which is the National Football League. Kindly ignore the $500+ that was liquidated from your bank account after you took your family of four to witness a Major League Baseball game from the nosebleeds. Pretend, if you will, that ever-depressing debate over the non-payment of “student-athletes” in the NCAA doesn’t continue to rage. Hey, look over here! No, not at those hate-filled, racist soccer fans who continue to practice their bigotry in public view from the stands of European matches. And, yikes, I almost forgot, if we didn’t have sports, then for what purpose would the completely sexist sports media machine exist?!

Sports are, literally, everything. If we were to ban them, we would have precious little to do with our time, our money, and, most importantly, our passionate fervor over symbolic athletic representations of what we, ourselves, were never good enough to achieve. That would be a tragedy that our nation, nigh, the world, simply could not bear. Let us continue to cling tightly to our notions of escapism, our esteemed sports publications, and our principal source of morality, righteousness, and excess.

Anyway, I gotta run, the game starts in 20 minutes.

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