For too long, men have languished at the margins as their emails to women go unanswered, despite urgent expectations of a thorough and thoughtful reply. It is almost as if they are not owed laborious explanations of women’s every action, word, or opinion nor regular defenses of their humanity. That’s why we are here: to help you send the kind of emails that will encourage women to respond, ones containing appropriate language and a shred of fucking decency.

Our rigorous email reviewing process catches even the most minute mistakes, filtering out inappropriate content and offering tips and tricks for improving your correspondence with women. We look forward to guiding your communication so that you never send another ill-advised or ill-conceived email to a woman ever again.

Below are just a few of your premium account’s exciting features, available at the low cost of $69 a month:

• Customized email responses to why your emails were caught in our filters
• A PDF copy of our white paper “Why Constantly Appealing to Evolutionary Psychology Is For Assholes”
• Social media data integration to determine level of familiarity with correspondent
• Instant removal of all referents to women as “female”

We are so glad that you signed up for our service, what a great ally you are!

Regards,
The GMale Team

Subject:

Re: Sales Powerpoint + Quick Favor

Dear Sir,

We are sorry but the email to your colleague Angela could not be processed as we believe it was sent in error. Angela is on the business development team and is your superior in both rank and sales performance. The suggestion that she should place the lunch order for your upcoming meeting is inappropriate and absurd. Please consider replacing some of the time you spend on your fantasy league by learning to order food yourself.

Regards,
The GMale Team

Subject:

Re: I messed up

Dear Sir,

We are sorry but the email to your ex-girlfriend could not be processed. The fact that you timed your email in conjunction with her first Instagram post confirming a new boyfriend was flagged by our team as suspicious and more informally “bearing the moral compass of a starved weasel.” Perhaps you should consider downloading Tinder again or covering yourself in animal blood and wading into a gator swamp.

Regards,
The GMale Team

Subject:

Re: An honest debate

Dear Sir,

We are sorry but your email to the woman who wrote a piece with which you disagreed could not be processed. In reviewing the article in question, we learned that the author never said that “all men” currently residing on the planet engaged in the troubling behavior under scrutiny in her story. Please consider the possibility that you are not the still point on our moving Earth and that Reddit is not fact-checked.

Regards,
The GMale Team

Subject:

Re: Catching up

Dear Sir,

We are sorry but your email to the woman you went out with twice from Hinge could not be processed. We intercepted two text messages in which she told you explicitly that she was no longer interested and we have deemed your attempt at contact inappropriate. Consider having some goddamn pride. Yeesh.

Regards,
The GMale Team

Subject:

Re: Christmas Plans

Dear Sir,

We are sorry but your email to your mother could not be processed. Every day she is haunted by reminders of that cursed morning on which you sprung from her loins, already stinging-eyed and screeching like a banshee at having not been born a king in another time. She needs a day of rest before she finds your video games and sends them to you. In the meantime, please familiarize with the concept of “delusions of persecution” or if that does not suit you, go to your nearest prison. Ask if you can live there.

Regards,
The GMale Team

Subject:

Re: I know this is weird

Dear Sir,

We are sorry but your email to your best friend’s ex-girlfriend could not be processed. When you made the case for her giving him another chance and expounded on his best qualities, your qualification of “no homo” not only detracted thematically but was deemed unnecessary. She is well-aware that you are not, in fact, a homosexual. The remainder of the message was made up of manipulative non-sequiters, and generally categorized as “shit moves.” Have you considered eating actual shit?

Regards,
The GMale Team

Subject:

Re: The decline of the First Amendment and the chilling effect in universities

Dear Sir,

We are sorry but your email to your professor could not be processed. Just because you don’t need a trigger warning about class content does not mean they are without merit. Have you considered that what you called your “intestinal fortitude” at the sight of violence and atrocity might actually be better described as “psychopathic indifference”? Please consider descending into that volcano where sharks live and becoming their house servant.

Regards,
The GMale Team

Subject:

Re: Babe, please

Dear Sir,

We are sorry but the email to your ex-girlfriend could not be processed. Blaming your emotionally distant father for your persistent infidelity was deemed both cliché and irrelevant by our team. We rejected the correspondence and then proceeded to make a jerking off motion in unison at your audacity. For expedited consideration of a new email, please consider an apology that is not preceded by a self-defensive qualification. Another option would be that you blow me.

Regards,
The GMale Team

Subject:

Re: Fucking jizz receptacle feminists like you are self-sabotaging fuck slits

Dear Sir,

We are sorry but the email to a woman you called a fucking ugly cunt could not be processed. Yes, we are aware of the alternative account you use for such outbursts. No, we have not ruled out the possibility of sending it to your mother. We are fresh out of suggestions for improving this email but please consider going to our blog for tips and tricks or feeding yourself to a local bear. If no bears are available locally, consider leaving town for some wooded mountains to find one. Never return to civilization.

Regards,
The GMale Team