What Do You Do If You Are A Godless Woman Who Likes A Mormon?
By Gabe Delahaye and Jane Marie
Illustration by Lale Westvind
I have a coworker who is perfect and on his way to med school and, of course, he’s a Mormon. Served his mission, doesn’t drink tea, helps other missionaries convert people in his down time. (Our jobs are in a very liberal field and he’s expressed some very liberal opinions, which leads me to believe he’s not a Mitt Romney Mormon.) I was kind of raised Catholic but am now an atheist who respects everyone’s right to believe in whatever they want.
I have a giant crush on him and I feel he is reciprocating (lots of touchy-feely stuff on both our parts). He’s bought me lunch and dinner a bunch of times and sometimes we run errands together. We’ve had really good talks and though he was cagey about talking about his religion when we first met, he’s become really open with me about his mission and his upbringing. But I haven’t really told him about my lack of religion. I feel like the religion talk would solidify us as interested in each other if I confirm I believe or completely ruin everything if I come clean. I have legitimately had thoughts of pretending I believe in God and even converting to Mormonism just for this dude who I’ve never even kissed!
Should I start this conversation? If so, how? I really want to get the religion and crush thing out of the way at the same time — good idea or terrible? Do interfaith relationships ever work?
Caveat: I’m pretty sure I’ll be giving contradictory advice by the end of this thing. Looked at one way, you have very little to lose here. I’d wait until you’re not coworkers anymore and then just say whatever you want to dude. “I’m an atheist and I’m DTF!” Or, “I’m whatever you want me to be; mold me in your image.” He’s probably going to reject you no matter what because he obviously doesn’t like you like that or he would’ve asked you if you’re Mormon by now. Imagine a world where you confess your feelings and he’s like, “Holy shit, me too!” Does that seem like even a remote possibility? Probably not, so take it down a notch.
Also, have you thought about why you like this seemingly unavailable and disinterested man of the Lord? Is that your type? You might not actually want a boyfriend so you’re falling for someone with whom that arrangement is an impossibility, and someone who opposes your world view. What kind of life are you trying to make here?! I think you need to get laid. By anyone. You’re spinning out on the wrong person and some orgasms will shift your focus. Gabe, remember when I gave you this same advice? How’s it working out?
First of all, JANE, you know how your advice worked out for me. It worked out GREAT. I am in love, and I finally cracked the code of life, and I see everything in little green Matrix lines of ones and zeros and there will be no more problems or complications from here on out. Goodbye Agent Smith, I did it! So, thank you.
Personally, while I agree with your interest in the “why are you so hot for this particular, clearly problematic person” line of questioning because it’s definitely valuable to trace and understand those impulses, I have always felt, especially when I was on the receiving end of it, like your advice ends too abruptly with a “so cut it out.” It always felt like you were blaming me, and while one must take responsibility for the choices one makes in life, both in dating and elsewhere, I think in the middle of one’s desperate, hopeless singledom, when it feels hard enough just to find someone you are even interested in, let alone go on a third date with, to then hear that you are not allowed to be interested in them is like a nail in the coffin, if your heart is the coffin.
Sometimes you are obviously right, like back when you were only interested in dating married tattoo artists, or back when I was only interested in dating women who fundamentally disliked me, but there has to also be a version where someone meets someone they like and recognizes that there are some red flags, and in this awareness they are able to make it work because they finally have their eyes open? Is that completely outside the realm of possibility even? Jane, I am a people person, and I love all people, and I just want everyone to succeed. You know this about me.
My question for this woman is if you’re too scared to talk about this very simple, fundamental, obvious difference with a guy that you like who you thinks likes you, then what kind of relationship are you really hoping to build here? Like, this is just Step One. There are a bunch more steps after that. If you’re too scared to take Step One, which is fine, Step One can be one of the scariest steps, but if you’re too scared for that then you def might not be ready for the One Hundred Million Steps that will for sure follow. It’s like you found a job listing on monster.com that you think might be perfect for you but if you’re unwilling to even just create a free monster.com login then you definitely aren’t going to get the job.
You “always” felt like I was “blaming” you!? OH NO. I’m so sorry, Gabe. Truly and deeply filled with shame and regret, here. I’ve genuinely loved (half) the people you’ve dated so I’m embarrassed this is the takeaway. What a jerk. I’m so sorry for nailing your heart coffin. I’ll be more thoughtful in the future.
(And that, my people, is how you fucking APOLOGIZE! Boo ya.)
Back to this lady, another issue that was kind of glossed over is that this guy is still actively proselytizing. Please, dear missionaries, do not take this the wrong way, but sometimes your tactics can feel like flirting. I should know — I spent a long, cold day with a couple of you charmers. You’re passionate about saving souls from eternal damnation, for chrissake. What’s more romantic than that? I don’t even know what she should do with this notion, other than to be aware that it’s possible he’s playing the long game here with the final inning set in *HEAVEN*. Gabe, you’re great with analogies. Think of a better one for me?
Thank you for the apology, Jane. I accept.
As is typical of almost anyone describing anything, this woman takes a lot for granted. She just seems to think that the situation is completely obvious and we all know what anyone should do here, but she’s somehow fighting against the current. Like, OF COURSE this guy is Mormon, and OF COURSE she is an atheist, and OF COURSE they are in love, but OF COURSE they are doomed, as if any of that is innate. Other than wondering if the whole thing is just a disaster waiting to happen (as if there are any other kinds of disasters) she doesn’t seem to ask herself why she finds herself in this particular situation. This is kind of what you have already said, but I’m thinking of a subtler line of questioning too. Like, instead of just saying “what is wrong with me that I am attracted to a situation that seems hopeless,” she might also ask, “why am I so attracted to this deeply religious person, and what does that say about my own beliefs?”
Atheism, and Mormonism for that matter, are choices. They are not biological imperatives. I’m not saying that strongly felt religious belief doesn’t feel like some kind of sacred fact, I’m sure it does, but, like, there is no recessive gene for Hinduism. If you are so interested in this guy, maybe you should be open to what he thinks and has to say about those thoughts. That seems like a pretty good starting place for being interested in someone. Maybe you will find out that you aren’t actually an Atheist!
I’m not actually arguing that anyone should become Mormon. That’s insane. No offense to your new boyfriend, but God burying golden tablets in WESTERN NEW YORK and then telling Joseph Smith to take all of his wives to the salt flats of Utah is some borderline Xenu shit. I’m just saying: the heart wants what it wants. Also, Jane, to answer your answer-question, I think the thing that makes proselytizers so hot is the conviction of their beliefs. People are so wishy washy these days. It’s gross. Someone who believes that in their heart of hearts they know what is right and what is wrong with the entire world probably also knows how to FUCK. Right?
You’re so thoughtful and sweet and generous and smart and great at writing, Gabe. You’re the opposite of me, and that is maybe why I love you? So in that regard, I can relate to this girl.
I guess I’m just a teenage boy at heart because after all the intellectualizing and thoughtfulness, I still just want them to fuck and get it over with. Or at least make out? Or at least talk about the possibility of fucking or making out some time in the future? Or talk about the impossibility. There’s a lot of touchy-feely stuff, he buys you lots of dinners, why not just ask him what is up? There’s no wrong answer at this point, you know?
Here’s a secret, too: even if ultimately he cannot wife you because of your religious differences, you will still get a lot out of having an open and honest chat about your feelings. For one, it’s good practice in general for future romantic relationships. For two, you may find out he loves you because you are the forbidden fruit, and that is pretty sexy. Or, for three, what you wish to transpire between the two of you will come to fruition and you’ll live happily ever after until you divorce. It’s all good! See, I told you I’d be sending mixed messages. Gabe, what’s the best way for her to approach him? I’ve tried to un-friend-zone plenty of dudes unsuccessfully, so it’d be nice to hear what you folks go for.
You know, in all of our high minded parsing of the ins and outs of this poor woman’s deep-seated, subliminal psychological motivations for sexual denial, we have completely glossed over the part where THEY WORK TOGETHER. I feel like all of this religion hullaballoo has been a total smokescreen to blind us to the giant red flag that is DATING YOUR CO-WORKERS. Maybe instead of asking him whether or not he could ever accept your lack of religious faith, you should ask him if he could ever quit and go work somewhere else. Let’s start there. Sorry, scrap everything that we’ve said and let’s start over from there. Hi, what’s the problem? Oh, you work together? Maybe you should let this one go. Wait, and he’s Mormon and you’re atheist and you’re not even sure you’re compatible? FUCKING FORGET IT, JAKETHERINE, IT’S FUCKING MORMON COWORKER TOWN!
