Breaking News: Every man in the state must have a vasectomy!

by Brian Moniz


Men, we see your abortion, and we raise you a vasectomy!

You wake up and look out the window to another beautiful morning; it’s a bright sunny day, the birds are chirping, and all is well with the universe. You hug your wife and kids before heading out to work and start your day off on the best note. Upon your arrival to the office, your friend and co-worker asks you, “Did you hear about the new law our state just passed? All men 18-years-old and over must have forced vasectomies until they get government approval to have children!” Your eyes pop out of your skull, “What!? You have got to be kidding me!”

You jump on your computer and open your favorite news website and read the headline, “All men in (your state) must turn themselves in to their nearest clinic and have a vasectomy until the government says otherwise.” You also see that your two senators, a black transgender woman and a Latina woman will be holding a Q&A about this new policy they helped pass to clear up any concerns their constituents have. Your finger is clicking at lightning speed to reserve a ticket to that event.

The day of the event comes, and your senators are met with the most deafening screams and “boos” you have ever heard from a crowd. Police and moderators do their best to calm the audience down and peacefully get a few of the men lined up behind a microphone stand for the Q&A. The two senators sit on their lounge chairs while holding their microphones with big bright smiles on their faces. Your blood is boiling, and your rage is taking over your body uncontrollably, you feel like the incredible Hulk, ready to throw your chair and charge at the two women smugly smirking back at you and the rest of the audience of pissed off white men.

The first man asks the question that is on every man’s mind, “How the hell can you justify passing a law that is so idiotic, unconstitutional and such an obvious attempt to control people beneath you!?” The question is followed by cheers and applause from the rest of the auditorium. The moderators quiet down the audience and let the two women speak. “We truly believe that abortion is a morally wrong act that goes against our personal religious beliefs, so to solve this problem and to help prevent abortions, we are making it mandatory that any male living in (state) must have their tubes tied until they apply to us, your state’s government, for permission to have a child.”

The crowd roars in disruption! Men are throwing their firsts up, their veins bulging out of their necks, and half of them are about ready to murder the two senators. The second senator begins to speak, “Also, we need to remember that vasectomies are reversible! I don’t understand why you men are so angry, it can be undone whenever you apply to have a child, and if you don’t ever plan to have children, then at least now we won’t have to worry about you getting a woman pregnant, what is the problem with that?” By now the moderators are having the most difficult trying to control the screaming crowd. Police are putting their hands up in a line between the audience and the two senators on stage, warning everyone inside to calm down and take a seat. The first senator chimes back in, “We don’t like women having abortions, so this is the most logical solution we have come up with, and every female delegate of color has voted with us to pass this bill, so the majority agree with us that starting next month, all men will sign up for vasectomies whether they like it or not, and any man who doesn’t will face life in prison.”

One man grabs the microphone and shouts back, “I’ll be damned if two women of color are going to tell ME what I can do with MY own body! No white male delegate in this state voted for this bill, not one! Who are you women to tell us how we can treat our own bodies!? If you try to control me, I will move to another state and have the surgery reversed!” To which one senator replies, “By the way, this new law also states that any man who travels out of state to have their vasectomy reversed will face life in jail.” Another man shouts through the microphone, “If this law follows us out of the state then you are codifying residents as property of the state!”

The crowd has turned into a mob, chairs are flying, dozens of men are breaking through the policemen barrier and shouting at the senators. The two women happily wave goodbye to the men and are escorted by police off the stage. Every man in (state) now feels controlled, hopeless, angry, violated, and abused. “They can’t do this to us! This violates our rights to choose! Our rights to our own bodies!”, you shout as the women leave the building. It looks like you have lost the battle. Whether you like it or not, these women have used the power of the government to control your body, and if you leave the state and fix it yourself, you are going to jail. This is not fair, and this is not American.

This is how all you white, heterosexual, Christian men in America sound who support Alabama’s abortion bill over women. It is a bill that strips away a woman’s right to choose, a raped woman’s right to not have a child that her rapist has given her against her will, a right to not have an abortion in order to save the life of the mother. If men could get pregnant, we would not even be having this discussion, abortion clinics would be in every sports stadium, every 7–11, every hospital, and we would have abortion drive-thru’s. Abortion clinics would outnumber McDonald’s in America.

It is truly insane in this country that we have banned abortion before we ban military-style guns that have caused countless America deaths. The same people who claim to be pro-life are the ones who shout at politicians to shoot down harsher gun laws that could prevent a maniac from slaughtering your children in schools. You are not pro-life if you support this bill, you are pro-tyranny. You are not for freedom; you are for the Christian version of Sharia-Law in America. You are for the government controlling what you can do, what you can say, who you can love, and are in favor of lawmakers breathing down your neck in every decision you make.

Not one female or person of color voted in favor of Alabama’s anti-abortion bill, it was passed only by twenty-five Republican white men who argue that a woman’s freedom to choose goes against their own personal religious beliefs. If you think controlling someone else’s body is okay, then do not complain if women, gays, and people of color take over your state and band together to control what you can or cannot do with your little wee-wee.


About the Author:
Brian Moniz is from San Jose, Calif. He studied filmmaking and writing at San Jose State University from 2010–2013 and got his bachelor’s degree in Radio-TV-Film. Throughout his high school and college years, he worked as a music and movie journalist and critic. Having only recently come out of the closet himself in 2014, Brian enjoys writing about LGBTQ issues. His only regret when it comes to his sexuality is that he didn’t come out sooner.