Cutting off Toxic People
by Isabella Zollner
Imagine the following scenario: I am eleven when the 2016 election takes place. I remember crying in my parents’ arms because Trump has been elected. I’m only a kid and I don’t know how to put into words that Trump is the face of everyone who wants to hurt me for being queer. But I try to find my voice, and I start to find people who feel the same. I make friends and connections and I start to find who I am. I start to speak out and bring attention to myself. I go from Just Another Girl to That One Democrat. Through this, I realize that it’s finally time to tell the world who I am.
So I came out. It was four years ago today that I texted my friends and told them that I’m bisexual (although I later determined that this wasn’t the proper label for me). What happened next probably determined my entire future. It’s years later and still, I panic thinking about this chain of events and what it led to. But, if it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be here today. So maybe I should be thankful? I’m not. I wish I could turn this into an article about forgiveness, but I tried, and I can’t. Instead, what you’ll see I’m trying to say is that when you’re struggling, there are people there to help you.
To be clear, I don’t hold onto my feelings about this anymore (partially because so much more has happened) but forgiveness seems too kind of a word. And thankfulness just makes me seem very holier than thou. So… maybe I don’t feel anything? Maybe I’m allowed to just look back at this night four years ago and think, “This series of events was really painful and without it I wouldn’t be who I am and I love me.”
When I texted my friends to tell them I wasn’t straight, I knew there would be mixed reactions. One girl in particular I knew would be less than accepting. Looking back, I should have cut her off earlier. The abuse and gaslighting she subjected me and my friends to was entirely inappropriate. So her texting the group and saying, “Don’t talk about gay things around me. That’s yucky.” wasn’t exactly a surprise. I was prepared for that, but it still hurt.
I tried to contact her and ask her to apologize, but she ignored me. Now, that really made me angry. I was at my most vulnerable and not only did it rub salt in my wound, but she refused to acknowledge she had done anything wrong. After months of trying to contact her and her acting as if nothing was wrong, I was done. She had been acting cruel for months before I came out and this was my last straw.
On the first day of school when she tried to speak to me at lunch like we were old pals, I snapped. At this point in my life, that was very out of character. My friends would have told you I spoke a big game but didn’t follow through with confrontation. However, something in me just knew that what she did to me wasn’t okay and that if I let her continue it would only become worse. I couldn’t let her stay in my life just so that she could hurt me more. So I told her off in the cafeteria, which was probably not the most generous way to go about things. I told her that she couldn’t keep pretending that what she did to me didn’t happen and I told her that if she wanted to be in my life she should have apologized months ago.
Cutting her off was a big relief because I no longer had to play being friends with somebody who hurt me so badly. And afterwards things were okay for a while. I was a queer seventh grader in Indiana and that wasn’t easy, but it was okay. A part of me started to think: Is this really how easy it’s going to be to cut homophobia out of my life? As you can probably guess, it wasn’t actually that easy because the girl who I cut off wasn’t done. What followed was a year of harassment. She would send apology emails full of gaslighting, purposefully stand and wait for me somewhere I would have to see her, and on any special occasion for me (big performance, birthday, etc.) she would text our entire group of friends and try to turn them against me.
It was terrible everyday to go to school knowing that she would be there harassing me for an apology, trying to turn my friends against me, and all the while pretending like she did nothing wrong. I can recall this feeling of utter defeat everyday when I walked into school. I knew what was waiting for me, but I couldn’t avoid it. I think there was a part of me that even thought I deserved it. I had been the one to cut her off and some dark confused part of me thought that meant that all of this was okay. I couldn’t make her behavior stop so I just bent my head and took it.
One night I remember in particular was my 12th birthday party. I had all of my friends over, except her obviously. Somehow she found out about the party despite me trying to keep it quiet. She started to text us all wishing that “we would have fun without her” or that she was so glad “we all liked each other more than her.” She spent the whole night texting us to tell us how awful we all were, and I believed her. In the morning, one of her friends — someone I don’t even know — opened a private message with me. This second girl blamed me profusely for ruining their lives.
And it was at this point that I realized things had gone way too far. Someone I didn’t even know was texting me and gaslighting me. Something clicked that morning and I finally realized that I didn’t deserve this. No one deserves to be punished for setting a boundary or cutting someone off. Even more than that, I didn’t deserve to hate every day I spent at my school. I was done pretending to have everything under control. I was done thinking that I deserved to be a punching bag. So I finally asked my mum for help. She put an end to any abuse and helped me through my painful experiences. I only wish now that I had asked for her help earlier and saved myself a year of pain.
Soon after my mum put a stop to the harassment, the girl moved out of state (not because of me, that had always been in her family’s plan). I haven’t heard of or about her since, and I don’t plan on it. I hope someday I can look back on this and see how much it helped me pursue politics and local government. But, like I said, this article isn’t about forgiveness. It’s about letting people help you through the tough parts of life.
So what I suppose I’m trying to say is that when you need to cut off a relationship, you don’t have to do it alone. Whether it’s your parents, a mature friend (emphasis on mature), a trusted teacher, a local GSA leader, Pride Center leader, or anything of the like, you can and should ask for help. Telling someone that you aren’t friends anymore isn’t going to be easy. Especially if you cut them off because they are already being homophobic or transphobic. Their toxic behavior could get worse and if it does, it isn’t your fault. Don’t make my mistake of letting someone punish you for doing nothing wrong. You haven’t done anything wrong by cutting off a toxic person and you don’t deserve to be harassed.
About the Author:
After being subjected to homophobic harassment in the classroom, Isabella decided to try and use her writing to encourage others to stand up for each other and themselves. Isabella is a high school student in Lafayette, IN.
