Dear MSF:
Editor’s note: This blog post is a transcribed letter that we received last week. Michael had been silently donating to us weekly for months before sending us his story. We are thankful for supporters like him who keep fighting in the name of Matthew.
This is being posted with a trigger warning of violence and abuse.
Dear Judy, Dennis, and the rest of the Matthew Shepard Foundation:
My name is Michael and I am from Michigan. I am currently 28 years old and Matthew has been a part of my life ever since that tragic day in 1998. I was only eight years old at the time, but it had a tremendous impact on my life. At the time, I don’t think I understood what being gay was. At and before the age of eight, I was sexually abused twice. Until a couple years ago, I didn’t even remember the first time. But when I was eight, I did know a little about sex. I also knew enough to know I was only attracted to other boys.
I never told anyone that, but by that age, I guess my father figured I was not manly enough to be his son because of it. Although I do see myself as male, I did like to play dress-up and I liked nail polish. My father caught me once and went crazy. He was not going to have a gay son. The first time he hit me when I was eight, he almost broke my nose. Or maybe he did. To this day, I have never had it looked at, but have problems breathing.
That was the first and last place he hit me in a place visible to others. He decided the best thing for me was to beat me straight. He did at least once a week until I was 21 in one way or another. It was equal parts physical, emotional, and psychological. One of the things I can remember the most from when I was eight was that he told me nobody would be friends with a person who chose to be gay. His language was never actually that polite, however.
Then Matthew Shepard was murdered. My father made me believe that even my closest friends would do to me what they did to Matt if they found out I was gay.
There is no enough paper or enough time to really write all the things he said, nor do I remember them all. I have been punched, slapped, pushed, kicked, thrown, and even hit in the head with a golf club. I’ve had bruises over every part of my body. I have nerve problems in both arms and legs, as well as my hands from trying to protect my chest. I’ve never had tests run, though I soon hope to have an EMG of all extremities and a scan of my nose.
I am scared.
I’ve been severely depressed since I was eight. Finally a few months ago, I sought help. I was undiagnosed Bipolar. I also, understandably, suffer from PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I’ve also been extremely suicidal since I was eight. But this is where Matthew comes in. He helped protect me.
There were three things stopping me from actually killing myself. First was mother, who protected me when she knew, even though my dad threatened me if I ever told her. Second, if my father knew how much he was hurting me, he would stop. I clung to that hope, but found that I was wrong when I was 21 and he told me he failed me by not beating me more. Third, I wanted to live my life for Matthew and all the others who were killed or committed suicide. I wanted to survive so I could live a life they would all be proud of.
I’ve made some big mistakes in my life, but I’m still fighting. I’m fighting to make up for my mistakes and also to survive my past because it does haunt me every day. I’m on a lot of medications to help with my problems and also see two psychologists and a psychiatrist. The meds help me from not being depressed, but they don’t stop be from being suicidal. However: Matthew makes me fight. As do Brandon Teena and all the others–the ones I know and the ones I don’t know. I wear an “Erase Hate” bracelet everyday. I bought many, in case I break one.
I wrote this to tell you my story and to say thank you for your work. It is important to go talk to schools. I also wanted to make you aware, though I’m sure you already know, that there are kids suffering like I did. I hope you can find some of them.
Sincerely,
Michael
About the Author:
Michael Giacoma is living in Michigan and fighting everyday to survive his childhood. He has two BAs and is trying to go back to get another BS degree in Psychology and Neurology and then head to graduate school where he hopes to study Neuropsychology.
