Embracing Authenticity: A Man’s Journey from Self-Repudiation to Acceptance— What I Know Now

By Nicholas Frey, He/Him

What did you want to be when you were a teenager?

When I was a teenager, I felt a strong calling to public service. At the time I was dead set on becoming a police officer, and volunteered with my local police department after school and on weekends between my sophomore and senior years of high school. At this point in my life, it would still be eight years before I came out to my family and friends, and like many LGBT youth I was struggling with my sexuality in the background despite my well put together exterior. To others, I put on a mask and continued being active with volunteering and became somewhat of a role model to other volunteers and peers I had in high school, but on the inside, I was struggling. I would spend many hours keeping myself busy volunteering to set myself up for what I thought was my future career and held myself to high standard. Being a gay youth who still very much enjoyed and apprehended traditionally masculine activities, I saw my homosexuality as an inconvenience at this point in my life and spent many nights in my room sobbing because I truly did hate that part of myself. The self-loathing, loneliness, and sleepless nights were something I lived with throughout this period of my life, and the only way I knew how to cope with it was to put on a tough and guarded exterior. Despite having great friends and a good family life, I felt alone and that something was wrong with me. I grew up in a Catholic household, and homosexuality was something that was considered wrong and looked down upon. I was very faithful and somewhat active within the church throughout my youth, attending mass often. I could not understand why I was having homosexual attractions and can recall having these attractions as early as elementary school. I could not wrap my head around why I was having gay thoughts and urges, as I was so faithful to God and did all I could to be a good Catholic and a good person. I spent many years of my youth trying to pray the gay away and confessing my “sin” to my priest and working to try and change myself. After my many attempts at praying away my homosexuality over the years, it proved to be unsuccessful and I was convinced that I was being punished, which led me further down the dangerous path of self-hatred and depression. There have been many points in my life where I even prayed to God that I would die, because I felt I was doomed to an eternity in hell and did not deserve life. My youth was a confusing and bipolar part of my life, but I turned to extra-curricular activity in an attempt to keep myself distracted. Nobody knew the truth about me, and I did my best to push all of my thoughts and feelings down and focus on a career in public service as a way to cope. I thought if I could contribute to society in the realm of public service, that maybe I could have a life worth living someday and contribute something to society. I did not realize how unhealthy this was at the time, as I was still facing my struggles with sexuality on my own and did not have any outside support because I refused to admit my homosexuality to anybody, and was trying to come to peace with the idea that I would never find love or achieve happiness.

What you did after high school:

After high school I joined the Marine Corps and eventually became an Arabic linguist after attending the Defense Language Institute. Even though I was still repressing my sexuality and attempting to change myself throughout my tenure in the Marines, I found that I was adequately distracted during this time and was able to focus on other things. Yes, I still had frequent low points and dealt with much of the same self-loathing I dealt with in high school, but I felt that because of how busy I was, my day-to-day life was an adequate distraction. I spent five years in the Marines and still had not accepted myself, and continued trying to convince myself I could change my sexuality. I even went as far as to try and date women, but I never even got past the first date every time I tried, as I knew I was not being true to myself and could feel the damage it was doing to me mentally. I turned back to God on several occasions trying to change myself. Towards the end of my time in the Marines, I took leave prior to my deployment and ended up meeting a man who became the love of my life in my hometown. Even though I knew I wanted to be with this person, I still refused to come out at this point. We stayed together despite this, and soon after meeting him I deployed to Syria. While in Syria I encountered the first experience I’ve had where I felt that death was a possibility. Our compound was bombarded with rockets, and the only thing on my mind was that if I did end up dying, my family would never know the truth about me, and my boyfriend would be the only person who truly knew me. At that point I was quite ashamed of myself, and promised to myself that if I made it home that I would take the steps to accept myself, which included coming out to my family and friends. Fortunately, my squad and I were in a concrete building while all of this was happening, and nobody was killed. It was a sobering moment that really opened my eyes as to how precious and fragile life is, and that living unauthentically is a waste. Upon my return to the United States, I called my family and came out to them. I let them know about my relationship and how deeply I felt for this person. I would be lying if I said it was all sunshine and roses. Some of my family members had a hard time accepting who I was at first. There were arguments and tough conversations, but after giving them time to process they eventually came around. I truly believe facing my own mortality was a necessary step that I personally needed to experience in order to finally come out. My only regret is that I was not able to do it sooner. My life and mental health has significantly improved since having that experience, and I would not change it. I truly believe I was meant to experience it.

What you do now:

Presently, I am now completely out to my immediate and extended family, as well as my friends. It was a process that I undertook for a little over a year. It was hard at times but was definitely a growing experience and something that changed my life for the better. I am currently going to college majoring in environmental science, and also work a full-time job as a project manager in the telecommunications industry. I recently got married to my husband who I mentioned earlier, and overall life is good. After denying myself for all of those years, I can definitely say that coming out has taken the weight off my shoulders. Accepting myself is an ongoing process, but it gets better every day.

3 words that describe your teenage self:

Scared — Depressed — Confused

3 words that describe you now:

Confident — Ambitious — Self-assured

What would you tell your teenage self:

Having gone through everything I have now, I would be realistic with myself and say that going through this process will not be easy, but in the end it will be worth it. Living a life not being true to yourself is not really living at all. Everyone has struggles and things they need to face in life, and this is yours. While it may not seem like it right now, coming out and living authentically will be the best thing you have ever done, and everything in life will start to fall into place afterwards. It is a difficult road, but the alternative of living a double life and never accepting yourself is unhealthy and will only lead you down a path of sadness and frustration. Don’t avoid coming out because you are scared of what will come after. Take things as they come and learn to be confident and at peace with who you are. If you feel you are in an unsafe environment to come out in, work as hard as you can to achieve independence and surround yourself with good people.

What you wish you knew about coming out that you know now:

I wish I knew how supportive and understanding people would be. I had a bad habit of isolating myself, getting into my own head too much, and assuming the worst of people. I imagined that the experience of coming out was going to be completely negative, which was not even close to reality. It’s easy to put up walls for yourself and to assume that your life is going to fall apart if you come out. Try to overcome these thoughts and face this process with a positive mindset. Your friends and family may even surprise you with their support, especially the ones you are worried the most about reacting negatively. Even if you do get negative reactions, do not take it personally, and take some time to step away from these people until they have time to process. Always remember that if it took you a long time to come to peace with yourself, it may take others some time as well.

What you wish you could have done differently as a teenager:

Looking back, I wish that I would have cared less about what people thought of me. I saw my sexuality as something undesirable to others and believed that coming out would destroy the friendships and relationships I had already built. I was so concerned about what other people thought of that I prioritized their perception of me over my own peace and happiness.

What you love most about being a part of the LGBTQ+ community:

The sense of belonging and common ground shared between the people. Being a masculine gay man, I had the issue of feeling like I did not belong in the community because of the way LGBTQ+ are portrayed in the media. Once you start interacting with the community, you realize that there are people just like you within the community, and that you do not need to have a certain personality or fit into a specific mold to be accepted. The community is a melting pot of people all from different backgrounds with different personalities and walks of life. Interacting with more gay people who have similar interest and hobbies as myself really opened my eyes to show me that I am not alone.

Person you most admire:

Without a doubt I can say the person I most admire is my husband. He is patient, kind, and understanding. He undertook the entire coming out process by my side and was patient with me as I confronted this huge step in my life and let me process things in my own time without pushing me, but also without coddling me. He has his own story and has gone through things much tougher than I ever had to deal with in my own coming out experience. He handles everything with grace and dignity, and despite everything he has been through is the kindest and most empathetic person I have ever met. He exudes positivity and always knows how to make others smile.

If you could change one thing about the world, you would:

It may sound overly simplistic, but I would love to see a world where people would get along with each other. I’m a firm believer that as long as a person is not encroaching on other people’s freedoms, hurting others, or taking advantage of innocents, they should be allowed to live life as they see fit, and respect others’ right to do the same. This doesn’t just apply to the LGBTQ+ community, but to everyone. I feel that social media has been a detriment to symbiosis within our communities and is leading humanity in the wrong direction. We need to learn how to respect each other. We cannot and should not be able to control what other people believe, but I wish that we all had the mutual respect to let people be who they are and believe what they want without fear of retaliation.

What inspires you now:

My inspiration stems from the positive interactions I have with people, whether it be my family, friends, or strangers. I spent most of my life believing that I hated the world and most everyone in it because of the struggles I had with myself growing up. Through interactions with good people, I have dug myself out of the hole of negativity that I had effectively buried myself in throughout my adolescence and early adulthood. Get outside, interact with the community, and learn to shut out the negativity that is keeping you from enjoying life. It works wonders for your outlook on the world and reminds you that life isn’t so bad.