How to navigate anxiety during your transition

By Andrew Adams

I’m having bottom surgery — phalloplasty — in 3 months. It’ll be an intense, 10 hour operation with a long recovery process. Of course I’m immensely hopeful, and I’ll be writing a post about my hopes in the coming weeks, but I’m also quite scared.

I have anxieties related to generally having surgery, fears around the intimate nature of this specific surgery, the recovery process and being away from home for so long, and more. This article will go over some of those fears.

Surgery is a scary thing, and this is a long surgery. The first set of fears I have are fears I would have about any surgery. The last time I had surgery, the anesthesia made me very nauseous, so while I know that medicine will fix that, I’m worried about that happening again. I’m worried about something going wrong in surgery, but I know that’s extremely unlikely. I’m worried about the hospital stay, being in the ICU, or intensive care unit, for almost a whole week. I’m worried about the sensory experiences associated with surgical recovery. I despise a lot of sticky sensations, and I know medical tape will be required to keep my IV in, bandages are required for healing, and various sensors and medical equipment use sticky adhesives or similar things. I’m also worried about pain, but I know they’ll medicate me really well for that.

Phalloplasty specifically is a very complicated surgery, so I have some fears around how it’s going to go. Any surgery would leave scar tissue, and scar tissue feels differently than regular skin. I have fears around how my surgery results will feel, how I’ll need to adjust the way I move, and if I will be able to feel temperature, pressure, sensation, and textures. I’m also worried about my arm, and how it’ll scar. The flesh for my new organ will come from my left forearm, so there will be a sizable rectangular scar on my arm. They’re also using nerves from my arm to provide sensation to the new organ. I’m worried about my hand movement, as I’m gonna need physical therapy to regain full mobility in my hand. I play guitar as a hobby so I’m worried about when I’ll be able to play fully again.

While all of these things that I’m worried about are possibilities, I know that everything is going to be okay.

I’m using the time before surgery to process these fears in therapy, talk to others who have had this surgery or are planning to, and thinking through what would happen if these things happen. If they do happen, I know that I’ll be supported by my partner and family, and by my medical team.

I’m extremely grateful for the supports I’ve built up over the past several month in preparation for this intense process. I’m also still extremely excited about surgery, despite being scared.

Overall, I know that everything will be okay and that I’ll look back at this anxiety and feel silly for worrying so much. Thanks to everyone reading and look out for the next post about all of the things I’m excited for about my surgery!

About the Author

Andrew (he/him) is a transgender student at the University of Central Florida where he is studying psychology in the hopes of becoming a therapist. He is a peer mentor for at risk teenagers at Aspire Health Partners, and he enjoys gardening, taking care of several pet reptiles, playing the piano, and replaying Skyrim on X-Box. While he has focused on his own growth and wellbeing recently, he has previously worked or volunteered with The Trevor Project, Point of Pride, GLSEN, March For Our Lives, and for local political campaigns as an advocate for LGBTQ rights. Specifically, he also is the plaintiff in an ongoing legal battle against his high school who barred him from using the men’s bathroom due to him being transgender, and that legal battle is still ongoing (See Adams v. St John’s County School Board). Additionally, as an Autistic ADHDer with a connective tissue disorder, Andrew is an advocate for both neurodiversity and disability rights.