How to navigate that awkward conversation with your relative about your LGBTQ+ identity
By Sassafras Lowrey
During the holiday season something most LGBTQ+ people dread is the awkward conversations that can happen if you find yourself spending more time celebrating with cisgender and heterosexual family members. Although some people outside the queer community are allies, the holidays can mean a lot of awkward conversations with homophobic, transphobic, or just uneducated friends and family. If you’re facing a holiday season of awkward conversation, here are some survival tips for how to navigate conversations with people you might not have talked to all year.
Find Allies:
If you are anticipating awkward conversations at your upcoming holiday events, think about if you have any allies in your family. Are there family members who are also part of the LGBTQ+ community, or who are progressive and supportive in their beliefs? If you know there are people in attendance who are affirming and welcoming, try to talk with those family members in advance about what you are concerned about, or who you are anxious about needing to spend time with during the holidays. Ask if they can be part of your support system, and brainstorm together what supporting you at these gatherings could look like. For example, if they see you getting trapped in a conversation to intervene and help to redirect the conversation topic away from LGBTQ+ topics if that doesn’t feel safe. You can also ask these allies in your family to correct other family members if they deadname or mispronoun you or say something homophobic or transphobic.
Set Boundaries:
It’s always ok to have and set boundaries around how you will or won’t be part of awkward conversations with relatives during the holidays. One option is to try and set boundaries in advance by telling relatives if there are topics that you are not open to discussing, especially if you’ve had awkward or painful conversations on these queer topic in the past. Sometimes even people who think of themselves as supportive can create awkward conversations for LGBTQ+ family members. These can be people who might be well meaning but, use outdated language or ask intrusive questions trying to appear supportive.
It’s ok to not answer any questions that make you feel uncomfortable regardless of if the person asking them is intending to be offensive or not. You don’t owe anyone, even your family details about your body, relationships, identity, community, or life that you don’t feel comfortable sharing with them. It’s always ok to have boundaries for yourself in awkward conversations. Ad refuse to answer questions that you feel are inappropriate or make you uncomfortable. Feel free to change the subject if a conversation doesn’t feel supportive. Having boundaries is a way to take care of yourself and it’s not your responsibility to satiate someone’s curiosity, you never have to talk about something that makes you uncomfortable. If you have family members who say overtly homophobic or transphobic things or praise homophobic/transphobic politicians it’s up to you, and how safe you feel if you feel comfortable speaking up against them.
Connect With Community:
If you are concerned that the holiday season is going to involve a lot of conversations that are uncomfortable or awkward, try to take some space for yourself and build in some breaks into your holiday visits or gatherings. This could look like making plans to celebrate with chosen family, and LGBTQ+ friends. If you physically can’t leave a holiday gathering or are traveling to visit with family make plans with queer friends who you can call, text, or facetime with when you need a break from all the awkward conversations. Talk honestly with your friends and community about ways you can support each other, share ideas for how you plan to answer questions that are awkward, or try to laugh together or console one another about the silly or hurtful things that unsupportive cis/het relatives say.
Even though the radio and advertisements might be saying on repeat “there’s no place like home (the home where you were raised) for the holidays” that frequently isn’t the case for LGBTQ+ people. It’s always ok to create your own home, your own queer family. If you are physically, financially, and emotionally safe doing so it’s even perfectly ok not to spend any part of the holidays with the family that raised you, unless you want to. It’s your holiday season and if not this year, then someday you’ll be able to make all the decisions about who you share it with. In the meantime, if you must spend the holidays with family members and are staring down hours of awkward conversation remember you don’t have to justify or explain your identities. Navigating awkward conversations can be hard and uncomfortable but try to prioritize your own emotional safety and don’t feel pressured to defend yourself (you have nothing to defend, there is nothing wrong with being LGBTQ+), and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone if you don’t want to.
About the Author:
Sassafras Lowrey’s novels and nonfiction books have been honored by organizations ranging from the American Library Association to the Lambda Literary Foundation and the Dog Writers Association of America. Sassafras’ work has appeared in The New York Times, Wired and numerous other newspapers and magazines. Sassafras has taught queer writing courses and workshops at LitReactor, the NYC Center For Fiction and at colleges, conferences, and LGBTQ youth centers across the country. www.SassafrasLowrey.com
