How to Use Pronouns and Correct Somebody if They Use Yours Wrong
By Sassafras Lowrey
If you are nonbinary or transgender, chances are you have some experience with being misgendered. Having someone use the wrong pronouns for you is never fun, and it can make you feel unsafe, unwelcome, or invalidated. When someone uses the wrong pronouns it can also seem awkward to correct them, especially if you aren’t sure how that person is going to react. Similarly, if you hear someone use the wrong pronoun for a friend, it can feel uncomfortable to step-in and correct.
Nonbinary Pronoun Guide:
In addition to she/her, he/his there are a variety of nonbinary or neopronouns that people who identify outside of the gender binary might choose to use. Currently, they/them is the most popular nonbinary pronoun. But in the 90s and early 2000s ze/hir was the most common pronoun being used by transgender activists including authors Kate Bornstein and Leslie Feinberg. Although people think that neopronouns are new, they really aren’t! Dating back to the 1700s what we would today consider nonbinary pronouns were being used in English writing! Why might someone use nonbinary pronouns? People should feel empowered to claim and use any pronoun that feels right to them and feels like a reflection of their gender identity.
Here are a few common nonbinary pronouns and how to use them in a sentence:
They/Them
Sentence: They appreciate it when you use their pronouns
ze/hir
Sentence: Ze appreciates it when you use hir pronouns
xe/xyr
Sentence: xe appreciates it when you use xyr pronouns
co/cos
Sentence: Co appreciates it when you use cos pronouns
No pronoun/name
Sentence: [name] appreciates it when you use [name’s] pronoun
Practicing using different pronouns on your own, or in conversation can help you to be prepared to avoid misgendering someone. None of us automatically know how to use different pronouns; it’s something that is learned and practiced, like a new language.
Why Using the Right Pronouns Matters
Getting someone’s pronouns right might seem like a small thing to cisgender people, but for nonbinary and transgender people hearing someone use the right pronouns can both make their day and be the reason they feel safe in an interaction. Respecting someone’s pronouns is nonnegotiable. Even if you don’t understand their pronouns, their pronoun change, or the reasons they use different pronouns in different spaces, they still deserve respect. Respecting someone’s pronouns tells that person, and everyone around you, that you are a safe person, and that you respect people.
Self-Advocacy
It can feel overwhelming, disappointing, and stressful to think about needing to correct people when they misgender you. However, it’s always within your right to do so. One strategy for not having to correct pronouns as frequently is to make sure that people you meet and interact with know what your pronouns are. Ways to ensure your pronouns are known are to put pronouns in your email signature and offer your pronouns when you give your name while introducing yourself or add them to your nametag when you attend an event.
Kind people who are allies will want to get your pronouns right, and if they know what your pronunciation is they will use it. If someone messes up your pronoun feel empowered to be brave and clearly correct what your pronoun is. Often it’s effective to just interrupt with whatever your pronoun is. If the person doesn’t respond or acknowledge what you said, next time repeat “my pronouns are _____.” It’s always ok to want people to respect you and use your pronouns properly. Try to think of correcting pronouns as a form of self-advocacy and self-care. Correcting pronouns can feel awkward at first, but the more practice you have the more confident you’ll feel standing up for yourself and your pronouns. It can feel scary to advocate for yourself by correcting your pronouns, and sometimes it might feel unsafe, or too hard, and that’s ok too. Do what is best for your mental health and physical safety.
Advocating For Others:
Are you prepared to stand up for your friends if someone misgenders them? One way that you can make life a little easier for your nonbinary and transgender friends is to correct others who misgender them. The easiest way to do this is to make sure that you are using the correct pronouns yourself. When people hear the correct pronouns being used they are likely to use them as well. Then, if you hear someone use the wrong pronouns, jump in to correct them. You can do this by interrupting with the correct pronoun which usually gets someone’s attention and helps them realize they have messed up. Or, you can interject and say “[insert name] uses [insert correct pronoun].” If you have a close friend who is struggling with being misgendered frequently, consider checking-in during a private time to ask how they would like you to step in while they are being mispronounced. Some people prefer to correct people themself, while many people are grateful to have someone else do that emotional labor. It is important that, as an ally, you check in with the people you’re advocating for to make sure you’re being helpful and not harmful!
When People Refuse
Most kind and respectful people will appreciate being corrected if they use the wrong pronouns for someone. Misgendering can happen accidentally when someone isn’t aware of what pronouns a person uses. But, when it becomes a repeated issue that is extremely frustrating and hurtful. Unfortunately, right now in this cultural/political moment, some people are feeling empowered to flaunt their transphobia. This can look like intentionally misgendering someone and making fun of nonbinary pronouns. If you are faced with someone who is intentionally being hateful no amount of gentle pronoun correction is likely to change their mind. If you are struggling with people not respecting your pronouns, remember that it’s not about you, or the validity of your gender and instead is about their transphobia. If you are dealing with people who aren’t respecting you and your pronouns, try to lean on your friends and allies. It’s ok to distance yourself or stop talking with friends or even family members who aren’t respecting you. If you’re struggling with being mispronounced at school lean on professional allies, supportive teachers, professors, or guidance counselors. Unfortunately, because of transphobic legislation in some states, they may not be able to require other people to respect your pronouns. But those allies can still help advocate for you and work with you on strategies for feeling safer and more respected.
About the Author:
Sassafras Lowrey’s novels and nonfiction books have been honored by organizations ranging from the American Library Association to the Lambda Literary Foundation and the Dog Writers Association of America. Sassafras’ work has appeared in The New York Times, Wired, and numerous other newspapers and magazines. Sassafras has taught queer writing courses and workshops at LitReactor, the NYC Center For Fiction and at colleges, conferences, and LGBTQ youth centers across the country. You can find more of Sassafaras’ written works, including an edited collection exploring LGBTQ+ youth homelessness entitled Kicked Out, at www.SassafrasLowrey.com.
