It’s Valentine’s Day and, for the First Time in My Life, I’m Lonely

By Anne Gregg

I have never had a girlfriend. This has never been a great issue for me. I’m a romantic. I believe that love will come for me when it’s ready. Until then, I can live and let live, unburdened by worries of heartbreak. However, this Valentine’s Day is the first time I’ve felt alone. Weird, right?

For years I viewed Valentine’s Day as this cotton-candy-sweet celebration of love, a day to make funny valentines for your friends, eat heart-shaped sugar cookies and remind the people in your life you love them. Now I hate it. More accurately, I’m starting to feel embarrassed by my lack of experience in matters of the heart and my need to take any relationship I enter at a snail’s pace.

Why should I be embarrassed though? Everyone starts somewhere, and that especially rings true for queer people. I wasn’t out in high school. Dating would have been near impossible for me, considering it was already hard enough to hide my queerness. I’m not alone in this. Many queer people do not have the typical high-school experience when it comes to dating. Either because they are not out or they are the only person who is out in their school. For many of us, our queer dating lives start later than our cis-straight peers, because we have to come out and find other queer people first. It can be difficult seeing your straight friends get engaged and even married before you’ve ever had a partner, but everyone goes out at their own pace. We all discover what we like in our own time. This is true for everyone. If you feel surrounded on Valentine’s Day by people with way more experience in love than you, know you are not alone, and know that there is nothing wrong with you.

A partner is viewed as an essential component of a fulfilling life. This narrative is harmful for queer and straight people alike. This idea emphasizes romantic love and connection above all else. All you need is a partner. Friends become secondary. But everyone needs more than one person in their corner. A partner will not and should not meet all your social needs. As queer people, our friend groups are so important, they are sometimes a substitute for our family, our community, our support network. They are the people we feel the most comfortable to be ourselves around. I understand that romantic relationships can be validating to many queer people who feel they need to prove their queerness to themselves, or who just want to find someone who validates and understands their sexuality. However, you do not need to be in a romantic and/or sexual relationship to be validated.

We all need to learn to stop viewing romantic partners as the solution to our loneliness. Your network should be greater than one person. Your love should be infinite and expansive, seeping through your days and drowning out all hate. It should be enveloping, welcoming, and kind. Most importantly your love should first be given to yourself.

This Valentine’s Day do not lament about being alone. It’s okay to want to have a partner, to have a crush, to yearn for someone, but it’s also okay to not have a partner. Make your Valentine’s day about love, all love. We are queer, we celebrate love and loving proudly. So love proudly, love radically, and love yourself.

And, if it suits you, ask your crush out, because while you have people who love you, it’s always okay to have one more person who does too.

About the Author

Anne Gregg is a poet and writer from Northwest Indiana. She is an English Writing major at DePauw University and is the editor-in-chief of her campus’s literary magazine, A Midwestern Review. She is a Media Fellow at her university and loves dissecting how LGBTQ+ people are portrayed in film and tv.