Johnnie Joy Blue — What I Know Now
Filmmaker, author, and creative entrepreneur Johnnie Joy Blue shares their advice to queer youth.
Name & Pronouns
My name is Johnnie Joy Blue. I use he/they pronouns and I identify as nonbinary trans-masc. The journey of claiming my name is ongoing, but I remember what it felt like to choose “Johnnie Joy Blue.” I felt so proud and strong in my name. I felt like I could fill it out and give it character with my true nature. While I didn’t feel especially joyful in that particular season, “Joy” was the only part of my given name I kept. I wanted to be free from the bounds represented by my first and last birth name, but I could not bring myself to separate from the one name that aligned with my spirit. So I made a quiet promise to myself that I would heal and reconnect with Joy. That process is also ongoing.
What did you want to be when you were a teenager?
Both sides of my family were committed to a heritage of lifelong careers in evangelical Christian ministry. There was tremendous pressure on me to work in the church, even though I wanted to be a fighter jet pilot or a greeting card writer. Just before I started puberty, my father took a church position in a small town north of our native Seattle. When I was 13, I showed an aptitude for speaking during a church meeting and the mentorship began. I started working with the youth group, practicing my public speaking, and writing my own lessons and sermons. I progressed as we moved around the country, eventually leaving college to work for the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, where I was mentored in the international arm of the organization. I was completely surrounded by, absorbed by, and isolated within Christianity and evangelicalism throughout my teens.
This was also during the time when my gender dysphoria kicked into maximum gear. And with undiagnosed Autism, I started to severely struggle physically and emotionally. Spin all of that together with an unlimited refillable prescription of codeine at age 15, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for psychological collapse. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. I was only familiar with what was expected of me. Thoughts of the future were either drowned in a fanatical god complex, or just fleeting.
I started investigating careers seriously in my twenties, slowly coming to realize that identity isn’t the same thing as profession. Calling, however, is deeply tied to identity, and once I figured out who I really was, I decided to listen to my calling. And it’s not in a church.
What do you do now?
I do many different things now. I always have a project going. I just published my first book, “Out of the Blue: Naked Confessions on Gender Transition” (available on my website). I run my own private practice coaching younger transgender and queer neurodiverse people. I’m currently transforming my practice into a nonprofit that matches elder and more experienced transgender and nonbinary humans with younger or less experienced community members in a mentoring relationship. I’m also an Emmy Award-winning editor. I make videos and documentaries, and have been sitting on material for my next film for too long. I’m a speaker and spent this last summer at Pride Festivals speaking to crowds about coming back to our bodies with compassion. However, I’m beginning an adventure in 2024 to become a sustainable farmer. My partner and I are moving to Europe to farmstead and create a place of rest, artist training, and education for our communities.
What are you most proud of?
I am most proud of transforming myself inside and out. I was born into an environment, a belief system, a body and a heritage that weren’t aligned with who I am. My psychological foundations were formed under a giant misunderstanding of the kind of person I was, which led to the beginnings of mental illness. Had I ignored my dysphoria, my conscience, or my shame, I would have become a monstrous individual who persecuted my very own community and hid my desires in the shadows. You see, monsters are not born out of malice. They’re born out of pain.
In order to become someone who I could love unconditionally, I had to give up everything I thought I was in order to discover my truth. I discovered that self-love doesn’t mean self-pampering. It means committing to the grueling work of being authentic, genuine, and sacred. I’ve made this lifelong commitment to myself, and the rewards are more profound than I ever could have dreamed.
What are three words that describe your teenage self?
Cute, confused, and ashamed.
What are three words that describe you now?
Sensitive, wise, and creative.
What would you tell your teenage self?
You can’t imagine the hardship you’re heading into, but you will have help if you’re honest. Your emotions are not enemies, but messengers. Your strength is in your vulnerability, not your coldness. Your body is your brain. Look inward. Everyone is going to tell you you’re special, and it truly has nothing to do with your abilities. When someone says they’re worried about you, listen. You’re very different, so don’t bother trying to fit in. You’ll find joy if you find you. PS. You’re not a girl.
What do you wish you knew about coming out that you know now?
The fear of coming out is so much louder and scarier than the act of coming out. The relationship, career, or family damage that is possible from coming out to unaccepting people isn’t comparable to the peace and joy of claiming one’s true self. As humans in a society that seeks to condition us, we must come out every day to ourselves in order to maintain our integrity of spirit. When we challenge our internal status quo, when we validate our own desires, needs, and pains, we can lead truly fulfilling lives. It’s difficult, but there is great power at our fingertips when we decide to live deliberately.
What do you wish you could have done differently as a teenager?
I think that to wish something were different would be the same as regret — an extra burden to carry that doesn’t need to be carried. But if there was one thing that would have made a massive impact on my health and happiness in my teen years, it would have been to be informed about my Autism and flavor of neurodivergence. If I had known that much of what I was feeling stemmed from an overstimulated nervous system, I would have seen myself and the world in profoundly different way. Instead of feeling like a constant victim and failure, I would have been able to appreciate my differences and limits, and been able to better care for my mental health. Therapy and mental health weren’t common terms in my household, unless they were being used to judge others. The bias against mental health treatment was probably the largest factor in my whole life falling apart.
What do you love most about being a part of the LGBTQ+ community?
I love feeling a sense of belonging in the LGBTQ+ community, even if I don’t feel especially plugged in sometimes. I feel represented and counted, and that matters. During my 20’s and early 30’s, I “community hopped”, looking for a place where I felt like I belonged. I was a short-term member of all kinds of communities: backpackers, bicycle clubs, the circus, the drunken Christian youth group crowd, the film community, etc. I found all kinds of amazing people, but nothing that felt like home. When I stepped into the LGBTQ+ community, I felt a world of possibility and freedom open up to me that came complete with support and chosen family. It wasn’t until I felt this belonging that I felt the agency to become my most authentic self. Having a community around me that loved and accepted me saved my life.
Who’s the person you most admire?
The person I admire most in this world is my partner. They are brave beyond belief, deeply compassionate, wild, ancient in spirit, and absolutely beautiful in every way. I aspire to be in touch with my humanity like they are, to let my inner child shine like they do. Being with them invited miracles and motion into my life, and I’ll be forever grateful.
What’s one thing you would change about the world?
One thing I would love to see change in the general human population is a shift in perspective from “conquering and mastering” to “curiosity and compassion”. Our earth is perfect, and can heal herself if we get out of the way and start helping instead of causing damage. Balance and health are possible within each of us if we compassionately investigate all the messages our bodies send us. Peace between cultures, nations, species, and sexualities is possible when we approach each other with empathetic curiosity. It all starts with our perspective.
What inspires you now?
I’ve spent the last 10 years shedding all my illusions about what’s valuable. As my values and perspectives changed, the things that inspire me also changed. Where I used to find inspiration in the latest trends and styles, I now find inspiration everywhere in the natural world — the trees are fascinating communicative creatures, mushrooms are beyond comprehension, the birds and whales play a vital role in the flow of the earth’s systems. I also find inspiration in witnessing kindness and compassion in both humans and animals. They are universal languages that transpire all divisions. And I really love seeing a human who loves themselves for who they are. There’s incredible power in radical self-acceptance and walking that out in the world.
