Navigating Challenging Holliday Conversations
By Sassafras Patterdale
Are you worried about awkward conversations happening with family over the holidays? You aren’t alone! The holidays can be a challenging time for queer people as many of us have strained or complicated relationships with families of origin. In particular, with our current political climate, it can be overwhelming to think about knowing LGBTQ+ issues are going to come up in conversations with relatives you don’t often see. This is especially stressful if you suspect or know those relatives hold anti-LGBTQ+ beliefs.
Going into the holidays it can be beneficial to make a game plan for yourself for how you intend to handle these conversations. Consider whether you are willing to talk about politics or LGBTQ+ culture at all? Are there aspects of your life that are off limits for talking about?
Safety First
Before going “home” or to any family member’s house for the holidays, it’s important to make sure that you feel safe with your trip and plans. This is both about your physical safety, but also your emotional safety. If you don’t feel like spending the holiday with your family is going to be safe for you. If you have concerns about your physical or emotional safety reach out for support. Talk to people in your life who you trust who are supportive.
Work with supportive people in your life to create a safety plan for during the holiday. This might look like in the most extreme case creating a plan/reason to not attend holiday gatherings where you don’t feel safe or supported like saying you have to work so can’t attend a dinner, or seeing if you can spend Thanksgiving with a friend. For holiday gatherings you are going to be attending you’ll also want to think what conversations feel safe for you to have. For example, are you talking with someone who has financial control over your life because they pay your tuition? If so, would revealing details about your queer life or identity impact their financial support? If yes, there is nothing wrong with avoiding those conversations to ensure your safety and stability.
Set Boundaries
It’s always ok to set and hold boundaries about what you are and aren’t willing to talk about. This includes your identity and the LGBTQ+ community. If you have to spend any time during the holidays with people who you know hold anti-LGBTQ beliefs you do not have to talk with them about your life. It’s ok for you to say that your gender or sexuality are oJ-limits for conversation. Before getting to the holiday dinner, think about what is going to feel comfortable to you. For example, maybe you are comfortable discussing politics, or a LGBTQ+ topic that is in the news, but you aren’t comfortable talking about what medical- affirming care has looked like in your life. It’s also always ok for your boundaries to change. You might feel like nothing is off limits, but when you get to the holiday dinner you find it’s too stressful or upsetting and decide you don’t want to talk about queer issues. Or you might find that a family member you were worried about is saying affirming things, so you might go into the holiday thinking you weren’t going to talk about anything queer, only to end up feeling more supported and more comfortable.
Find Allies
If you’re going to spend a holiday meal with family members, or if you are traveling to visit family for the holidays with relatives who hold anti-LGBTQ+ beliefs it’s important to find support. Are there any family members who will be attending that are allies? If so, try to connect with those relatives in advance. Make sure that they will also be attending, and try to strategize together about how they can support you during the visit. This might look like them stepping in to interrupt during challenging conversations if they feel comfortable doing so, or correcting people who don’t use your name or misgender you. It could also look like you plan some breaks together away from the stress by going to see a movie together, take a walk, a hike, or any activity that is going to get you out of the house or get you some space from relatives who you anticipate causing you stress during the holiday.
If you don’t have any relatives who you can trust to be allies, consider bringing a friend or a date with you. Just be sure to warn your plus one about some of the challenges, and be sure they are aware, prepared, and comfortable dealing with your unsupportive relatives. You can also make check-in plans to connect with friends and chosen family. Having plans to text or call your friends while you are at holiday gatherings can help you feel seen and supported even if the people you are physically with aren’t affirming.
Practice Explaining
If you know that there are going to be some challenging conversations to be had over the holidays with your relatives it can be helpful to treat these conversations like an interview or speech that you prepare for. If you want to engage in conversations about the LGBTQ+ community, or other topics likely to be controversial with a relative it can help to practice what you’re doing to say. You don’t have to script yourself, but it can be useful to do some research and create and memorize some talking points just like you would if you were going a presentation or speech in school. This might include research into statistics about issues you know your homophobic/transphobic relatives are uninformed or mistaken about. Being prepared with researched facts can also help you feel more confident going into difficult conversations knowing that you have facts on your side.
Preparing in advance for difficult conversations can help you to feel less stressed and more confident. If you know you’re going to be faced with difficult conversations, preparing in advance can help you to feel more confident and secure. Remember though, you are not under any obligation to try and educate or change the mind of people over the holidays. Do what feels best to you and be sure to prioritize self-care, as well as your physical and emotional safety.
About the Author
Sassafras Patterdale’s novels and nonfiction books have been honored by organizations ranging from the American Library Association to the Lambda Literary Foundation and the Dog Writers Association of America. Sassafras’ work has appeared in The New York Times, Wired, and numerous other newspapers and magazines. Sassafras has taught queer writing courses and workshops at LitReactor, the NYC Center For Fiction and at colleges, conferences, and LGBTQ youth centers across the country. You can find more of Sassafras’ written works, including an edited collection exploring LGBTQ+ youth homelessness entitled Kicked Out, at www.SassafrasLowrey.com.
